140 characters are not enough

To tell people you care how much you care...so here goes...

@Latinaboop: Hoping from the bottom of my broken heart that 2011 is waaaay better than this stupid year that is about to end, that you will have the strength to keep going forward and that this new year has less heartbreaks and more laughs. You have such a beautiful family and I know you are the glue that keeps it all together. With much love. Happy New Year!!! Love you girla.

@CarlosEMqz: Una sola palabra: GRACIAS! Nos hemos peleado, dicho de cosas, casi no nos hablamos mas...pero en your own little way siempre estas ahi. Espero q el anho nuevo te traiga a alguien q no solo te de una tu buena samaquiada pero q te sacuda el corazoncito tambien. Solo q no te vayas a casar :P. Te quiero.

@ToaoSV: #thatawkwardmoment when you cant find the right words to say to someone. How about I dont hate you, I am not mad so please stop thinking that. LOL.  Despite of everything that happened, for the most part you are an awesome person. You learn through experiences and I learned a lot through you.Thank You for all your help and in advance for all the help I will need in 2011. Hope you have much success in the New Year, so that you can keep being the compulsive shopper that you are :D!

@Claudette83: Mi manitta....que en algun tiempo de este anho sufrimos juntas por el desamor. Muchas gracias por esas noches en q me apoyaste y me diste animos. Espero q en este nuevo anho tengas a ese alguien a tu lado q si te sepa apreciar por todo lo q eres. Sigue pa'lante mija. :). Happy New Year!.

@Mome_04: MI BROCITTO!!! No se q diablos no decirte. :) Te quiero!. Muchisimas Gracias por estar en mi vida...Te quiero! ..por las llamadas solo por q si ...Te quiero..por siempre preguntar como esta tu sobrina...por todo. Te mereces lo mejor en esta vida y espero q en el 2011 al fin tu corazoncito este 100% contento. TE QUIERO. GRACIAS!!

@ralexnderm AKA #Ralyna ..awwwwn. Muchisima suerte en este nueva etapa de estudiante. Mi primer y unico Nerdo-Geek friend. LOOL. Exito y Suerte nene :)

@shoko17: mi poeta favorito...el q no quiere aceptar q me ama y q ya soy su duenha...JAJAJAJA...sigue siendo como eres. Te quiero un monton monton monton. Aunq me ignores y ya no te desveles y nada por el estilo. Have a wonderful and Happy New Year!!

@lobo_4d Mi amigo de personalidades multiples...JAJAJAJA...sigo esperando mi cajita de sorpresas...Muchisimas gracias por leerme, por creer q soy real y por always trying to cheer me up. Wishing you nothing but the bes in this New Year...keep being who you truly are because you are worth a whoooole lot.

@beiioso: Ejemplo de mujer, madre y esposa. Cuando sea grande quiero ser como vos :). Que este nuevo anho nos trate mejor...siii amiga 100% mejor..o q por lo menos no nos de tantas pruebas para superar. Que llene tu casa de Felicidad amor y Salud. Abrazos a las nenas y uno super mega fuerte para ti :). Happy New Year!!

@Nochez...mi primo q no acepta q perdio la apuesta...y dandole pruebas!! You and I were on the same boat for a while...I am trully happy that you were able to get off. My time will come ...someday. Hope your 2011 year is filled with many beautiful experiences and opportunities. Happy New YEAR!!!

@angnoch: where the fuck were u this year? Such a wonderful beautiful person you are. I love you!! I hope to see more of you next year. Happy New Year!!!

Well these are the people that made a difference in my life this year. Oddly I only know 3 of them im person, but I am 100% ok with that. Thanks you guys!!!!

2011 Here I fuckin come...be afraid...be very very afraid.....

...chelitta

2010 RECAP

So, I thought a million and one times how to write this entry. Only because inevitably I will have to touch such a sensitive topic and I might just say something offensive. BUT...I cant erase the months Of January to June...which were the worst of all, it wouldn't be a complete recap and well, it's over and done with so ...might as well right?

So here goes...

The year started off ...well with me falling in love with a man that I had never met. Why? Beats the shit out of me. Seriously sometimes, when my mind has enough time to think about it, I ask myself how and why..and I cant seem to come to a logical explanation to it. Its not like I met him we talked and talked forever and it just happened ...it was more like...I met him something happened and I fell in love. Now if anybody can explain what the fuck that something was I would really truly appreciate it.

The thing is, "it" wasn't meant to be. If you refer back to my earlier entries you'll get the whole story, but for the sake of time and to avoid opening a can of worms ..lets just leave it at ...my heart was broken into a million pieces by a stranger that didn't have the guts to be upfront from day one.

You would think that I have hate for this man, to whom I willingly offered my heart to and all he did was break it. I don't.  I can not hate him although I have tried endlessly to do so. Do not ask me why I cant hate him, ok maybe not hate him but at least have some type of resentment towards him. I don't. I know I should but it just doesn't happen.

Anyway that alone takes up to 6 months to be over and done with. But January ends with us moving out of my parents and into our own apartment.  February comes along and with it Valentines day, which I vaguely remember cuz I got drunk off my ass, if I remember correctly. I don't know if it was because I was broken hearted, or I just needed to cry. By this time I have met my "friend". Nice guy, but for some odd reason I cant see myself being with him, we tried many times to make things happen, but they just wouldn't.

March rolls along and nothing special happens during this month, OH WAIT!!! March...how can I forget...this is the month when the guy FINALLY decides to be honest. I was pretty much angry during this time. Pissed and sad what a month right? My friend and I keep seeing each other, I keep trying, he keeps waiting. My friends birthday was during this month and well I once again got drink off my ass and freaking did something with her best friends brother. I don't regret it...it was a lesson learned.

April...daddy's birthday!! which to me is always special. Besides that nothing special...happens during this month. I'm still angry, I'm still working at night, Denisse Is growing like a weed and life is just boring as hell.

May, people are starting to countdown the days until the World Cup..I had by  this time made up my mind and said Spain would win...people laughed at me, I never cared. It was going to be Spain ...I just knew it. Don't ask me how. Besides that everything remains the same, May was a pretty ok month. By this time I am coming to terms with somethings and the pain is much less that it had been.  I think this is the month my friend and I stopped seeing each other, what happened is something I prefer not to say. I can say, I take the blame for everything. We still talk as 2 people who know each other, but there are things that a mans pride just can not forgive, and I understand this.

JUNE!!! The world cup!!! That's all the world talks about. I went to the beach for a day and got burnt like a cherry tomato. We went to mini vacation to Lake Tahoe with the family. It was an ok month. My Auri was getting ready for her wedding and I kept asking her about the dress and she kept putting it off. By  this time, my heart bled in silence. I had decided not to talk about it, think about it nothing!!! My marriage took a horrible turn for the worse. At this point I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing more to salvage but I am still hesitant to file for divorce.

July!!! HOT month...SPAIN IS WORLD CUP CHAMPION!! I always told everyone. SO take that!! Still working nights, my facebook account has been officially closed. Why? Ok here is the honest truth. I cant delete some of my emails, and they just need to be deleted, for the sake of my mental and emotional sanity. There I said it. I had tried many many times to delete them and I couldn't, and sometimes I would fine myself reading them, and that would just break my heart over and over. July ends with me being all nervous about the wedding, and me being very sick in the last few days...I am told by my doctor that I can either have my uterus taken out, or be on hormone therapy for a max of 5 years to control the bleeding. I want another child, the uncertainty of not knowing whether or not I will have one tears my heart apart.

August...the wedding. I hadn't seen my friend in forever, and we had to see each other on that day. He was civil about it, we went  to lunch and talked and came to the agreement to put aside everything for our friend. SO the day came, mind you at this time I had put an ad on craiglist and seen a few guys, but nothing ever came out of it. I still wasn't ready I guess. The wedding was beautiful, I had to make my maid of honor speech, which I didn't write, I must confess...teehee...it was written by...the guy, yes that guy. I don't remember exactly when, or why ..but we eventually started "talking" again,  it was like ok lets forget about what happened and start from scratch again. We never really said anything like that but that's kinda how it happened. Eventually we made an agreement not to talk about what happened, well it was more like I decided it. So we don't talk about it, and when the very rare occasion arises that it does I tend to change the subject. I am not ready to be "civil" about it yet. Getting back to the wedding, the wedding came and when I saw that man in his suit ..all I can say was DAMN! He looked FINE AS HELL...but for some stupid reason ...I still couldn't. We danced and something kept me from melting in his arms. I decided to leave early. Auri got a little upset...but I just couldn't stay. I felt that something that I might regret later would have happened, the beach, the alcohol, the loneliness, they were all ingredients for something regrettable.  Denisse started preschool this month. :') ...my baby is no longer a baby. She loves it!

SEPTEMBER!! The month I hate forever. Nothing happened during this month only that I turned 31. OH WAIT!!! My schedule changed. I am now working days. It was hard and stressful at first but it was for the best.  I was told by Denisse teachers that she may be eligible for the gifted program...I am hesitant because I don't want to push my child too much, but eventually I decide to have her evaluated. I also started seeing a therapist. There were somethings I wasn't getting over and I started to think that I was going crazy or that I was crazy. Turned out I wasn't.

October...Denisse gets evaluated. She is gifted. Great right? Well I was proud but at the same time I know what this means, eventually my child will be too smart for her own good. She will be 2 steps ahead or at least she will try. We will see how it goes. She was Tinkerbell for Halloween. Very cute. At work everything was going nice and dandy until they decided to use iPads. Whatever I am over it now. I also Filed for divorce this month. I also left twitter this month as well...only for 30 days, but I had to have some brainwashing.

November!!! Denisse Birthday!!! We went to Disney and she very much enjoyed it. My friend which had left back in August to Brazil, emailed me after a long time. He had promised to write everyday and he did...until I asked him to please not do so anymore. I just got so frustrated with myself it wasn't good, so when I got his email I knew it was important. It was to tell me that he had met someone. I was honestly happy for him and my reaction actually pissed him off. We have not talked since then. We have to go to couples therapy its a requirement. Es por gusto. This isn't fixable.

Finally December..I got my apartment, makes me nervous, its the beginning of a new life. Eventually it will just be Denisse and I. I have started thinking that maybe, there is no point of changing anything, but then something happens and it reminds me of how unhappy I am. This year has been the saddest of my life. My heart finally stopped bleeding, but it has been frozen in time. Sometimes I feel the warm blood trying to thaw it, but then I refreeze it, I just have to.

What will the new year hold? Probably nothing...one thing is for sure. I will not hurt like I did this year. I don't want to fall in love the way I did. EVER. I am now scared to love. Scared to find someone and not be able to love him like he deserves, scared because I don't want to hurt as much as I have. ...

Denisse is my priority. She will be until she decides to make her own life. There is no time to think of me anymore. I am no longer my own priority...I am no ones priority...

Best Wishes for the New Year!!!

....chelitta

My Christmas Wish

NO!! This year it's not a man. Seriously...I am ok being alone for a while. Even though it hurts and I sometimes get all Emo about it...I am ok, not having anyone to give all this love I have within me to anybody. I learned my lesson this year, I am not going to go around giving my love to anybody. My heart will remain frozen until someone comes along and melts all the ice away. PERIOD.

Its not money either...although the last half of this year has been aweful and I wished I had married into a rich family or that I had won the lottery I dont want money either. It just changes people and makes them forget where they came from. I want to go into a store and look for the deals, look for the cheapo stuff, and not just walk in and say I want this and not even look at the price. I want people to see me in nice clothes and compliment and me able to think to myself it was on clearance. I enjoy the clearance rack far too much...to just leave it.

Its not the latest gadget out in the market. Although I have become more and more friendly with the damn iPad ... I still enjoy living in a cave. I like to know that the phone is just a phone and that its used to call people and not to check mail, and update statuses...I like reading a book and feeling the pages between my fngers and the smell of the old pages, I wouldn't change that for the world.

I dont even want peace in the world. I can not ask for the world to be fixed if I cant fix myself. There is a reason for everything and all the hate in the world is a product of many many years, broken hearts, and uncompromise. Too much of everything is not good, If there is peace in the world everybody would be all happy and too much happiness is never good, it makes us lose touch with reality.

My Christmas wish ..is STRENGTH...yeap ..thats all. STRENGTH to keep going forward when all I want to do is give up. Strength give my child a better life, to help her through all that she will go through. Strength get up and dust myself off and try again when I fail, because I know I wil. Strength to be a better person and to pick the right road when the time comes to choose one. Strength to hold back the tears when my heart hurts and bleeds, because deep down inside I know that somwhere in the damn universe there has to be someone for me, there just has to be. Strength to accept things that sometimes hurt, strength to be able to get over things I shouldnt fret over. We all get what we deserve, and I must accept that for some reason I wasn't meant to have something others do. Strength to guide my daughter and show her that the world is a beautiful place...despite all the angry resentful people....

*SIGH*

Will I get my wish?..I didn't last year...only time will tell...

Happy Holidays!!

...chelitta

Thinking...

So today ..I was youtubing...and found myself with a documentary on gangs in ES.

One of the guys on there reminded me of one of my highschool classmates...

He was a baby face...his name was Luis..and he was very tall ...a little chubby ..he seriously looked like a teddy bear...they called him .."chimbimba" ..lol..I never called him that ...I never call people by their nicks unless they are cute...anywho...

The reason why it reminded me of him ...he was one of the smartest people in our class..we would often compete on who got the better grades..etc. Anyway ...in our last year..we became somewhat close...at times it would be me and him and we would just talk nonsense...honestly I had a lot of guy friends in H.S they were all very kind and sweet ...and the girls would hate me for this even though it was clear I had m boyfriend...and I even had problems with that person as well..but that just a whole other issue within itself...

So one day ...talking and talking he told me ..im gonna join a gang...we had a couple of active gang members as classmates...which was not scary at all ...I mean at least I never felt scared of them ...but maybe thats just cuz Im weird ..and dont care about dying....anyway ..he told me this and I just looked at him and knew right away he was serious...

I asked him why and his answer left me speechless...I am not loved or feel that I belong in my house..these guys and chicks make me feel welcome, protected etc...I said well..if you are doing it then dont come after me ..LOL ..I knew that he would do it..he told me he was scared of the initiaton and all that...I hugged him and wished him luck...

I few days later...he came to me again..and he said..I did it...I am in..he told me what happened and showed me his bruises...they looked pretty bad...he looked diferent..I dont know if I was seeing him in a different way ...or he had really changed overnight..but he did look different...for the remainder of the year ..we grew apart..his grades slipped some and he was no longer interested in competing for grades...

It was sad ...I felt I had lost a friend...even though every now and then he would come to me to just talk..he never told me about his gang life and I never asked...

We graduated and I came  back to the US...a year after I went back to ES and on my way to college one day I saw him ...and we talked...I never asked and he never said it...but he hadnt left the life ..I could tell..strangely he was in college...and by what he said, he was doing well...that was the last time I ever saw him...and even thought of him...

Until today ...

I wonder how he is...what was of his life?...I hope he is doing well...my highschool days fade and fade but  there are a few events that I will never forget ...and that day he showed me his bruises...I wont forget ...because he wasnt only showing me his bruised body ...he was showing me his bruised soul....

...chelitta

Eternity

She comes and goes...as she pleases...isn't held back by anybody..by anything...

She is well prepared to face the world, life has taught her that she can handle anything and everything. She wears her heart on her sleeve, but very well guarded. It has been broken once before, yet she managed to find all the pieces and put it back together. She lets people in, but trusts no one to have it on their hands, she knows better. 

Her body is not perfect but has been where many perfect bodies have been, felt what they have felt and more. She is the owner of her body and does what she pleases with it, with whom she pleases. She is not a prude but does have a taste for the experienced man. 

She is strong, independent and full of life...

Until one day...she made a wrong decision...and it began a downward spiral of failure after failure ...the only thing she had left...was her heart...still worn on her sleeve, still protected...still untouched...finally after a long time...a little light was born within her..and she promised herself that she would be the best that she could for it...

Yet, she did not know what life had in store for her...and it took her by suprise, and it destroyed her...the only thing she had, her heart, was taken from her, she never saw it coming ...it was taken, shattered into a million pieces once again...and it was left there...for her to pick up..for her to put together...it was broken by silence.

It was so unexpected that she still sometimes wonders what happened...but just as she has done one too many times...she is slowly picking up the pieces, rinsing them off to wash away any imprint left behind ...and putting them back together...

a slow..painful process...because she knows that when she is done...she will not be what she once was...she will not wear her heart on her sleeve ever again...and never again will anyone have access to her heart...

She has a promise to keep...she will be the best she can be...for the little light that was born from her...she will make that light become a flame..and once it has reached its full intensity...she will step back ..and do what she has been longing to do ...

take...the leap of her life...into eternity....

....chelitta

Same Mistake

Its been SEVEN days!!!!

I honestly cant believe that its been this long..its been hard...it really has I log on and its like what the hell am I doing...and then I quickly check to see all the peeps are ok ..and then I move on ...sooo...

What have I done in these 7 days?

Well ...for starters...I have been catching up on my reading...and on my sleep. Also ..I have oh gzuz...lol ..I have started watching this brazilean soap opera...LMAO!!! and whats worse is ..that its an old one..its called Duas Caras..and its awesome!!! Im watching it all in Portugues w/o the subtitles, so that way I pick up on the language...and start speaking the damn thing..LMAO. Anyway ..I kinda understand the whole concept of the "novela" and I love it!!! I honestly havent and dont watch soap operas but for some reason, this one grabbed my attention even though I cant understand half of what is said. But its sooooo passionate...and of course being the hopeless romantic that I am...had to love it.

And well ...you know those backround songs they put..the ones u usually never pat attention too...well I do...LOL ..and I totally love the song..its like my song...jajajajaja and it makes me cry ..:'( ..but only temporarily ...and then I get happy again. I want to share it..unfortunately the damn record company or whatever disabled embedding on the oficial video so I have to share a crappy...version..but still ..its awesome...

It just makes me wonder...would I make the same mistake again?...

...chelitta

"Gifted"

What do you guys understand by that word?

"Gifted"

I understand it as something that was given to you. Usually when something is given to you, you usually consider it special, right? Well I don't think I like that.

Let me tell you why...

My daughter..which is 4 ..according to her recent evaluation is "gifted". According to this evaluation she has the "intelligence" of that of a 2nd grader. How the hell they figured that out...I have no idea...but she is now in the "Gifted" program, if we so choose to place her there. This is where it gets ugly.

I don't see my child as "gifted" (special)...to me she is what every 4 year old should be ...curious, funny, limit testing, button pushing, you name it ...that's her. Yes, I have been reading to her since inside the womb, yes maybe I did play and sing some classical music every now and then and maybe just maybe I exaggerated while being in the hospital and read things beyond fairy tales and nursery rhymes. Yes, I would make a game out of learning and teaching her the numbers and letters and how to spell her name and how to tell time. Does that make my child gifted? Does she really absorb what is being said to her and process it like a child of 7 or 8 rather than like a 4 year old? If so...why the hell does she not listen when I tell her to put her toys away, or not to come in the kitchen when the stove is on, or not to bug the hell out of the dog?

Why? Let me tell you why...because she is 4 :)...and that is what 4 year olds do ...that is their thing. Yes she may be able to add 2 and 3 and know that its 5...but she still wants to play, she still wants to run around instead of competing with a bunch of kids on who finishes their work first. That is where I am stuck...

We sat to observe a "gifted" class for an hour...we read the schedule...all work ..no play..they want to get the most out of them..I did not like what I saw one bit...kids have their own desk...the room looks like a college classroom rather than a 3-4 year old class...there are no ABC's no 123's on the walls, those little cute projects ...are non existent...The teacher lectures not as she would a preschool aged child, but an elementary one...I honestly don't like it...and doubt my child will...

She is 4 ...we have treated her age appropriately since the day she was born...I have never said or thought..ok your smarter than what you should be let me treat you as such...she still loves spaghetti and gets it all over the place...she watches Dora the explorer instead of some National Geographic show..

She is my one and only...and although ..I know one day she will spread her wings and fly...I am in no hurry for that to happen...everything has its time and its purpose.

I wish, I could ask her ..do you want to be in the "Gifted" program...and she gave a yes or a no..it would be much easier...I know ..she wont like it...I know this..will I be a bad parent for pushing her or for holding her back? What if I push her to much? what if I don't push her enough?

Right now..I wish I were gifted..to know the future...to know what to do ...this is my child's future we are talking about...that is something I don't want to mess up....

...chelitta

You were right

Well Hello there...long time...very very long time...lets undust this place...lets make it happen again...:) ...Its time...its time to move on...to be free...to spread my wings and fly again...to wherever I please...

*sigh*

Ok ...maybe not ...teehee...

So anyway...for whoever reads this ..prolly no one ..but thats ok ...I have officially left twitter..well kinda...I check in daily ..to see if all my favies are ok ..and then ...leave...in and out with a quickness ...before I get tempted to tweet something ...anyway..lets get to the nitty gritty ...

I got an email...from a friend...I havent heard from her...in well ..the time ive been back in Cali. So about 3 years? anyway ..it was an email that I never thought I would read...she and her husband are getting divorced...and she pointed out..."you were right"...and even though I always knew I would be it kinda hurt ...because I honestly never said what I said ...in an ill way...I said it because it is what I believe in ...

Now let me go back to that night...me and my damn memory...I swear if I get Alzheimers that will be the death of me...

We were at Applebee's ...I was having a Long Island, and she was having a Margarita...we started talking and she asked me ...Do you shave...I looked at her kinda funny ..and said uhh yeah ...doesnt everybody? ...and then it hit me...she wasnt asking if I shaved my legs ..or my armpits...she was asking ...if I SHAVED...and I said ..OH! ..and she blushed..and I said ..yeah ...why? I then she dropped the news...she didnt ...and her husband wanted her to and she was a prude that wouldnt do it.

Now..for those of you reading this and that know me...you all know that once she said that a million things went through my head...and one of them being...if she doesnt "do" a simple thing as SHAVE to please he man...she isnt doing much otherwise either...so then I asked her ..why? The answer she gave me ...floored me..."God meant sex to be for procreation not for pleasure" I went WTF!!!! ...

And so I laid it out to her straight...Well ..you ask God what to do when your man finds someone else to take care of him and please him when you dont. If you dont take care of your man ...someone else will.

hence...the you were right...he cheated on her...after she found out she tried everything to please him but it was too late...he had already tasted the different fruits that were out  there..and as hard as this woman tried...she couldnt do or give him what the others could...because whatever she did ..wouldnt be because she wanted to ...it would be to keep him...so she would never enjoy it ...

She wrote asking me for advice...what I wrote back was not what she wanted to read...I told her .it was time to let him go...because once a man cheats...god damnit ...he will do it again and again and again ...no matter how many times he promises, no matter what he does..he will do it....she wrote back...I love him...and then I said..all the more reason to let him go...

She of course not knowing what I have been through recently ...wrote back saying you dont understand what it feels like...not to be loved by the man you love...you dont know what it is like knowing he loves someone else...that he is with someone else...you are asking me to let go of my heart, you are asking me to break my heart in a million pieces....and let him go...because you dont know what it is....

*sigh*

I wrote back...I am telling you ..to let go of the man you love because he is happy with someone else..and when someone loves another person, even if your heart breaks, you have to let them go...I do know what it is...please do not ask why or how...because I cant and will not tell you...YET...i am not ready to talk about it ....when the day comes..I will and then you will see that I can feel your pain even miles away...please..do it for yourself...and for your son...let him go...be happy that he is happy...give yourself the place you deserve...cry..every fuckin day until it stops hurting ..and dont be ashamed that you are...you be proud that you are hurting ..because the day you stop hurting ...you will be much strnger than what you ever thought you would be ...

It gets hard...to know that your words become reality...I truly never meant them to become that...but just as those infamous words came true ..I also know that what I said will too..she will get over it..she will one day wake up and see the light at the end of the tunnel...and have the damn strength to let go and move on...to keep going...even if the pain is still there...

and you guys know why...

because I did...

....chelitta

"Do you still love him"?

That was the question of the day.

I am going to therapy. I have been for the past 3 weeks. I feel that it helps me ...but at the same time I feel like it brings me down. I know.... It is part of the process.

*sigh*

Today she asked me the above question, but she added "or are you now in love with the idea of a man like him". I hesitated. I must admit. She caught me there, yet she knew my answer, and she said, he is not here, you are not breaking your promise...just say it, how long has it been. With that I said it...Yes, the answer will always be yes...I still do, I know I shouldnt but I do.

Love is not something that should be banned. Why do you say that you shouldnt? she asked. My answer, the three words I tell myself when I feel I am falling: Ama a otra. She surprised me with her answer, I must say, I didnt expect it...she said and? You are not taking him away by loving him, you have put so many walls up around this love, it is not free. Love is meant to be free. If someone is offended by the fact that you love someone then they have the problem not you.

I was speechless, and tears running down my eyes. I need you to say it...I need you to say that you love him and not feel guilty because you do. There is nothing wrong with loving. No matter how many times he made you feel like there was...there isnt. I told her I couldnt anymore. That everytime I tried...I just couldnt ...she said then your love was never strong to begin with ...it is a coward love...she was pushing my buttons...I said no ...my love is not coward ...it knows its limits and it cant and wont cross them. He loves another woman, I WILL and MUST ..respect that.

She yelled...YOU ARE NOT DISRESPECTING ANYONE BY LOVING HIM!

Now say it..he is not here...she is not here say it and dont add "i know I shouldnt" HE MADE YOU LOVE HIM...I need you to understand that...He had the opportunity from the beginning to tell you he loved someone else...did he? NO HE DID NOT....you have to stop excusing him, he fucked up...not you...you were honest from day one..was he? NO...and the excuse he gave you is unacceptable, you were not asking for an explanation of his life, you were not asking for his love story...all he had to say was I love someone else. The way he did after it was too late. Did you ask explanations after he told you, NO you did not...you took his words and decided to step back ...no questions asked...except one that you had a RIGHT to ask...why didnt he tell you sooner? He avoided answering your question. HE AVOIDS IT, because he knows he fucked up, and if he doesnt...then I am sorry to say that man you love, does not deserve your or anyone elses love.

and there I was ...listening to every word she said...and she asked me again...."Do you still love him"?

...and my answer....was ....Yes....the answer will always be yes..end of story.

*sigh*

stupid heart....refusing to listen to any logic....

The session ended with.....do not be ashamed of loving another womans man, be ashamed if you are trying to part them, you have never tried this, how many times after he told you that his heart belonged to someone else did you tell him you loved him? NONE! ...you stepped back...you did the right thing...your love is true, it is pure ...I would be honored if someone loved me like that....Do not be ashamed of your love...you can not fight for it or hold on to it...but at least you know ..you are capable of loving like this...and I am sorry to say...and it may sound unprofessional ...but a love like this...only comes once in a lifetime...you will love again, yes you will...but not like this....

I sat there...wiping my tears....and thanked her...for believing me...for not treating me like I was some crazed obsessed woman...she said..the only obsession I see in you...is wanting to get rid of what you feel...and we will figure that out in time...

I feel better...I feel relieved...I have not said that I loved him in a long time....not publicly at least ...I am doing it now...

Yes, I still love him...end of story.

...chelitta

Moving On

Its been a while...almost a month since my last post.  I apologize. I will try to set aside more time for my readers.

Well, since the last post a lot has gone on. My daughter officially started school. I just had her...and now she is off to school.  Today she completed her first week. It was ok . She adapted well. I knew she would, she is her mothers daughter after all.

I have started Vlogging, here also, I think you can find the link to it on my profile, the only thing, I do it in the dark ....LOL..still have issues with myself....but at least now u know what I sound like...right?

I have started therapy, but you can go to my Vlog for that...I just felt that too much time has gone by for me to still be sad...hopefully by the end of the year I will be better. I have to be. This is not normal at all.

Somedays are better than others...on the bad days I just try to think of other things, and on the good days Im just thankful Im not crying. I will get over this, whatever it is that happened to me....and by golly ....I will never ever...fall in love again. I have promised myself that much.

September is rapidly aproaching, with it, my birthday..which I have damned. I shouldnt have been born. I was a mistake...but reality is I am here. Now I am just waiting patiently for my soul to pay its debt and then move on.

Well thats the recap of everything....

....chelitta

La Muerte y las dos Senhoras

La primera vez q las vi, estaba en El Salvador. Tenia apenas 10 anhos. Me habia enfermado horriblemente. Me habia dado infeccion en el estomago, no habia comido nada en 1 semana, y lo poco q comia, lo vomitaba. Fiebres a mil..deliraba y ni pararme podia. Veia la preocupacion en los ojos de mi mama.  Creo estaba mas preocupada por lo q le diria mi padre cuando por fin regresara del viaje si me moria q por mi.  Me acuerdo que sudaba a mares, escalofrios horribles. Llego al punto de q hasta a un cura le hablaron. Esperaban lo peor.

Y entonces las vi...mientras todos dormian ...ahi estaban ..al pie de mi cama con dos ollas, un olor a rosas y vestidas de negro, hablando extranhamente en portugues, si asi es, no se, tal vez un dia me de por averiguar el por ese idioma siempre ha estado presente en mi vida, pero por ahora es solo un pequeno detalle. Creo no se dieron cuenta q las veia, la verdad ni se si las vi o si todo fue un producto de la fiebre, igual ahi estaban. Esta muy ninha decia una...no la podemos llevar asi...ademas.observa...no le toca...la otra entonces que venimos a hacer? Por q nos mando, perdida de tiempo otra vez.  Jamas las voy a olvidar, pasaron lo que parecia una eternidad discutiendo el por q estaban ahi. "pero mira como sufre"..."no merece sufrir asi". Vi q la otra se acerco a mi cara...cerre los ojos pero recuerdo q aun la podia ver...creo se dio cuenta de ello, por q abrio los ojos en asombro y dijo..."ella tiene algo, por eso estamos aqui...no para llevarla...si no para sacarla de ahi"....y es asi como las Sras frotaron mi cuerpo con lo q habia en sus ollas...rezaron algo q no pude entender ...y se fueron.  Jamas volvi a saber de ellas...jamas las vi de nuevo....

Hasta hace dos dias....ahi estaban al pie de la cama en la misma posicion de esa vez. No habian cambiado nada, solo q esta vez ...se dieron cuenta q las veia, pero no parecia q eso les afectara, me vieron de pie a cabeza, y una le dijo a la otra..es la ninha...mirala es la ninha...la senhora...se sonrio...y dijo ahh si ...la ninha pero ya no esta ninha...creo ahora si la podemos llevar...la otra senhora ...se acerco a mi cara ..me vio a los ojos....y dijo como asustada...NO! ...ella no ...mirale los ojos...se acerco a mi me vio a los ojos...se vieron las dos...murmuraron algo..y comenzo de nuevo...el ritual de la "oracion" mas el frotamiento de lo q sea q se cargan en sus ollas...

En eso...quizas por los quejidos ...la enfermera de turno penso q tenia dolor...me dio morfina..una vez mas...y las senhoras se fueron...no sin antes dejarme con un rico olor a rosas.

Do you smell flowers? I....no termine lo q iba a decir...la morfina me habia llevado con morfeo....

siempre lo he dicho...la muerte y yo tenemos un trato, ni el me busca a mi y yo ya no debo buscarlo a el....pero me he dado cuenta q la muerte no me busca...si no manda a dos senhoras y como si supieran nuestro pacto...tampoco me llevan, si algun dia las vuelvo a ver nuevamente, seria la tercera vez...y dice el dicho ...que la tercera es la vencida. No se que ven en mis ojos, q se asustan y no me llevan...es mas ..como q le ponen mas devocion al "ritual". No me llevan...para bien o para mal ..no me han llevado las dos veces q he estado a un pie de cruzar ese puente, entre la realidad y el "mas alla".

Para mi la muerte no es algo horrible, no es un hombre vestido de negro q llega y te lleva sin remordimiento, para mi la muerte viene en forma de dos senhoras q lejos de querer llevarme me "curan"...para poder seguir en esta vida. La primera vez estaba muy chiquita para entenderlo, pero ahora creo, q lejos de no morirme para seguir pagando "pecados" pasados, no me muero por q falta algo por hacer...la cosa es saber..lo q ese algo es...

....chelitta

Broken

Este post va ir en spanglish por q creo asi me estan flowing las ideas. I usually dont like writing like this but Ive noticed que cuando me pasan cosas como las del Martes, thats just how they come. De todas formas ..I know only a few people will read this so *shrug*.

Si han leido este blog en su totalidad saben, q hace 13 anhos pase por algo muy poco agradable. I got over it...alone, never told anyone...jamas pedi ayuda...yo solita "lo supere". La razon q traigo esto a relucir ahora, es q el martes....creo me hicieron algo similar, no fisicamente, claro...but emotionally. Which in comparison, is much much worse. Well thats just how I feel about it.

La pregunta, no es que me dijo, si no q no me dijo. By far it has been the worse fight ever, una q me dejo quebrada, herida, with no hopes left in this life. Please take into consideration that prior to this I was almost to this point, asi q no faltaba mucho para q estuviera ahi...creo ese dia me empujaron a un abismo, where I cant get out, where noone will find me....and where I think I will be for a very very long time.

No voy a repetir lo q me dijo, aqui no, es mas ...a nadie de los q ese dia estuvieron conmigo les conte en su totalidad..solo dije unas pequenas cosas, pero no todo, por q tengo verguenza de decirlo. Solo dire, q lo q me dijo no se lo deseo a nadie, and that those types of things shouldnt be said to the mother of your child. Me ofendio, mi dignidad de madre, mujer, y de ser humano. I havent been able to look at myself in the mirror since then.  Asi como hace 13 anhos...me doy asco a mi misma, si me banho es por q se q debo hacerlo si me levanto es por q tengo a una personita a quien sacar adelante, but believe me, please believe me ...if she didnt exist, creo q no estuviera aqui escribiendo este post.

Creo q si puedo decirlo ahora con certeza por q antes solo lo pensaba, pero no podia admitirlo. Me da extrema pena decirlo, but I think q estoy en una abusive relationship, no fisica, si no psychologic. Se q debo salir de ella, lo se. Y despues de lo del martes, It has to be sooner rather than later. Yet, the funny thing is, those same words that made me realize its time...son las mismas q no me dejan hacer nada.

I am afraid. Really afraid. You see...parte de lo q me dijo es verdad...no soy nadie, para nadie mas. Me pregunto..donde estan tus amigos ahora...ve buscalos...a ver si te responden....and I did...and they didnt....well only 2 and then I realized...he was right. I dont have any real friends, except one, and she is 3 thousand miles away on the east coast and refuses to come live in CA (hint hint ..lol). No tengo a nadie. Mis padres, q deberian ser el apoyo maximo, no lo son, siento a veces q ellos estan de parte de el, aunq a el tampoco lo tragan, me hacen sentir mal, siempre han sido asi. I was just never good enough for them...and I will never be good enough for anybody. Por q no matter how hard I try...nunca sere nada...para nadie.

Yes, I am the mother of my child...pero como el lo dijo, si te quiere es por instinto...asi como vos queres a tu mama, no por q fue ni es buena madre, si no por q no queda de otra. He is probably right, one day ella estara grande, y tal vez escriba o diga q soy o fui la peor madre del mundo...Now please, dont get me wrong, its not that I am letting myself get brainwashed easily, estas son cosas q me las ha dicho antes, lo q agrego el Martes son cosas mucho peor...llega un punto, and I have said this before...where...after hearing and being told something over and over again...you start believing it.

I am there. En ese abismo estoy ya. En uno donde, siento pienso, y creo puedo afirmar q no valgo nada. Ni como madre, ni como mujer, ni como ser humano.  Before Tuesday ...all I had was a broken heart....after tuesday ..I have a broken heart, a broken soul...and a broken life...No tengo deseos de nada mas ...no tengo ganas de salir de donde estoy. No hay nada mejor despues de esto...

Pero como lo hice hace 13 anhos...I will put a smile on my face, raise my head up high and pretend that everything is ok...because como me lo dice mi mama, mi papa, y el ... a nadie le importan las desgracias ajenas...solo es para q te tengan lastima...y como el lo puso asi de bonito..."lo unico q inspiras vos es lastima".

I have been broken beyond repair....en un mundo ...donde a nadie le importa....

...chelitta

Distancia

Anoche, mientras medio chateaba con una persona q en poco tiempo a logrado q le tenga un poco de confianza, le pregunte si ya se habia animado a decirle a su #twittercrush q le gustaba.  Su respuesta, me puso en q pensar, no en el momento si no hasta hoy.

Me dijo q no, q las cosas no estaban seguras en ES para andar viajando y q seria de ir y venir para poderse ver y cosas asi y que era mejor dejar todo como estaba, q no le iba a decir nada q preferia una novia local, por q el amor a distancia no existe. El vive en Santa Ana, ella en San Salvador. Me quede como WTF.  Claro, siendo quien soy y conociendo y pasando por algo similar...brinque. Puse de ejemplo a mi amiga, casi hermana Yanet.  Ella conocio a su ahora esposo en linea. Los separaba mas de 3 mil millas de distancia. Aun asi, 11 anhos despues, mas los buenos y malos ratos de toda relacion siguen, enamorados y juntos.  Pues no fue suficiente para mi amiguito, dijo q eso era un caso aislado. Pues bien, no estaba de humor para seguir la conversacion, Obvio el ya estaba decidido y no habia mas q hacer.

Pues bien, esta manana mientras me lavaba el pelo, pense. Sera q en verdad son casos aislados? Sera q el amor a distancia no existe? Pues esta Yanet, esta mi "primo" Nochez y su novia, la cual vive en ES, estan Cecy y Roberto q aunq la relacion comienza desde antes se notaba la quimica entre ellos, y es de ver en q para cuando Cecy regrese aqui a los US of A, esta Lucho y Luli, Supakoala y doug404, ambas srtas residen en Canada mientras sus novios en ES,  esos solo los de twitter, los q YO se q existen. Deben de haber cientos de parejas igual.

Pero ok ..seran en realidad casos aislados. Me puse a pensar en mi caso. Si conoci al padre de mi hija en linea. En el mismo lugar q Yanet conocio a su ahora esposo. Funciono? En lo mas minimo. Creo q el miedo y el sentimiento de compromiso fue lo q nos hizo q siguieramos adelante con la boda. Tuvimos miles de peleas en los escasos 9 meses q fuimos novios. Si, solo fuimos novios 9 meses. Nos conociamos menos de anho. Solo lo vi en persona 2 veces antes de dar el si. Sip solo dos, la primera el dia q nos conocimos, la segunda cuando pidio mi mano. Solamente. Increible. Pero creo q fue diferente, si lo queria, pero amarlo?  creo q nunca lo llegue a amar.  Que sabia yo en ese entonces q era el amor. Solo lo habia sentido una vez y era un impossible. Asi es q creo me confundi...pero eso no es el punto ahorita.

El punto es, q por primera vez en mi vida virtual dude de el amor a distancia. Pero q puedo decir fue momentanea, por q para q negarlo, aunq se q el amor ya sea a distancia o en vivo y en directo, no fue hecho para esta servidora, creo firmemente en el dicho "querer es poder".  No guardo mas esperanzas en econtrarlo, ya no. Aqui esperare por el, si llega bueno, si no seguire sola como lo he estado durante tantos anhos. Pero si algun dia me encuentra, y el futuro dueno de mi corazon esta aqui o en ES, Brasil, Dubai, o en el mismo infierno...Querer es poder...y lo q ha de ser ...sera...sin importar la distancia...

....chelitta

Unfair

Today, we took my daughter to dinner, to Chucky E Cheeses. What is usually a wonderful time, turned into a bitter sweet moment for me. 

We took her because I had promised to take her if she "pood" in the toilet, and she did, for the past 2 weeks she has been using the restroom as it should. 

So while waiting for the pizza and enjoying my salad, I looked up and saw her ...she is so beautiful to me. I realized in 4 months my child will be 4 years old. Meaning four years ago around this time she was inside my now apparently useless womb.  I remember her kicks, her hicupps, the backaches, the all day morning sickness etc. If I knew then, that it would be the last time I ever had a human being inside me, I would have enjoyed it even more.

Then, I looked away and my eyes landed on a 20 something female, with a toddler running a round, a barely 1 yr old in a stroller and apparently one more on the way, she looked tired and appeared to be fed up with her 1 yr old that was crying at the top of her  poor little lungs demanding attention from the woman who had given her life, which instead of tending to her, was too busy carrying a conversation on her cell...and the rage took over. The same one I remember feeling when I was TTC.

How can life be so unfair. Here I am, A woman faced with never ever having a child again, even though in her heart and in her soul is one of the things she wants, capable of giving a child all it needs and then some yet ..it will never happen again. I will never have that. This woman does not know the precious gift she has, the possibility of having children, of giving a child to a man.

I wont have that anymore. That will be my reality. It kills me inside because I am giving up on everything. I dont know, what will be of me. I am scared and there is nothing I can do to help that....I just hope my soul and my heart can survive this. Something tells me though...they will not ...because the pain is just to much ....

This is unfair...Life is unfair...there is no going on from here..this is it....

....chelitta

Empty

As I sit here in front of my laptop, Nina Simone playing, my daughter sleeping, my head pounding, my heart hurting and tears running down my face, I cant help to think in the what if's.

I few weeks ago I wrote to someone who I don't even know exists, apologizing for not waiting for him. Apologizing because I had nothing more than a broken heart to offer.  I wrote that thinking that maybe there was someone out there, and if he was out there, that if he ever found me at least he would know.

Well, now ...I see that hope die. Why? Because the man I am meant to love, deserves better than what I am.  Yes, as clear as that. He deserves a woman and all that being a woman entails. I can not be that anymore. I tried being that, I gave myself 5 years to be that. I gave him 5 years to show up...but one month has barely past and I am giving up.

I can no longer be strong, can no longer hang on to the possibility of someone walking up to my door knocking and saying, I am here, I am who you have been waiting for. Lets do this together, let me help you, let me hold you when you need to be held. Don't give up ...if you did it once you can do it again.

He will not come, because he does not exist and if he does he deserves better, he deserves to have a woman who can be the mother of his children. I cant be that. I cant wait for someone who wont come, the pain will be worse then than what it would be now. If I wait 5 years and he doesn't show...all my sacrifice, would have been in vain. The hell I would have gone through month to month..It has only been 1 month and I cant stand it...and I know the worse is to come..in the next 2-3 days...it will be awful....and for what...at the end...it all be the same as it is now...with the difference that I will be much older and I will live what I am living now all over again.

I am empty inside...I no longer have a heart that is able to love and soon I will no longer have a womb that is able to carry a child. I am not worthy of being with the man I am meant to love...

...because the man I am meant to love...

....chelitta

Following the footsteps

 I have always been the one to say that I am dying. "ya me voy a morir" has been on the tip of my tongue for as long as I can remember.  I have taunted death many times. Laughed in its face, summoned it, wanted it to come for me, pleaded life and a God that never seems to listen for it.

My soul, has died. Killed by life itself. What is left is a body that functions because a heart, although shattered, still beats. Pumping blood to all those organs, taking oxygen where it needs to, keeping a soulless body alive...until now.

My body..is following the footsteps of my soul..it has started to give up, it is shutting down and it will eventually die. For someone who has waited for this moment for more than 20 years...I must confess, I am a bit afraid. Not afraid of what comes after, as I know that if there is a God and if there is a Hell..my place is waiting for me..I am not afraid of that, if my soul, which is dead suffered what it did in this life, nothing can be worse after it.

I am afraid of the process. Seeing people that I love, and that love me, which seem to be fewer and fewer every time, watch me die. I don't want to go like that. I have always envisioned myself going to bed and not waking up, or in a car crash, or shot by someone. It never crossed my mind that I would die of a disease. I don't know why, if I myself am I medical mystery.

That is not the way I want to go. I have lived 30 years of my life and have never wanted pity nor compassion, nor been weak. I have lived a life that if told in its entirety would leave many wondering how I am sitting here today. I don't want pity, that is why for as long as I can remember I have kept many things, lived through them in silence and alone.

That is exactly my motivation, just the thought of someone looking at me in pity makes me want to fight against it. I can not bare the thought of causing my daughter the hurt that I will if she sees me suffering, dying, wasting away, connected to a machine to keep me alive or worse yet, losing my limbs one by one as the "disease" takes its toll. I can't and won't go through that. I will not and can not allow that to happen.

Sad thing is...as usual..I am thinking of others, before I do myself, and I'm willing to extend this lifeless life I have just to avoid pain and suffering in others...

My body is following the footsteps of my soul....but I will stop it...because for many years I have decided how to live my life...and I will decide how it will end...

...chelitta

Solo palabras...sin destino alguno

conquistame...despacio..suavemente..acariciame...tocame....provocame..complaceme...y finalmente  ..hasta q ya estes listo ...besame

*sigh*

....chelitta

To Whom It May Concern

I am sorry...

For giving up, on ever finding you. 

For not believing that you are out  there, in the world, probably looking for me as much as I have been looking for you.

I am sorry...

For thinking that I had found you 8 years ago...

It wasn't you.

I am sorry...

For living a life less than worthy of you. I have made many mistakes. I do not regret them, as they are what have made me today. I know, however, that some are not excusable and I live the consequences of them everyday of my life.

I am sorry...

I cant go on waiting for you. I feel that if I have not found you now, I wont anymore. The best years of my life have gone by. My heart has been broken beyond repair. My soul is damaged and I have no more desire to keep looking. I have nothing to offer you now.

I am sorry...

I have given up on the idea of growing old with you. Of loving you like no one else has ever loved you before. Of being your compliment, of being your partner, of being your friend, of being your lover, the mother of your children if you so wanted. There is nothing left of me anymore.

I am sorry ...
For choosing the wrong man to give my heart to. I also thought it was you, but it wasn't. It was what I thought you would be like, but I was wrong.

To Whom It May Concern...
I have given up on finding you...
Yet I hope you haven't given up on finding me...
because all I have left...is this love...that nobody seems to want...
it belongs to you ...

....chelitta

Random

It has been a while...and I apologize to my faithful followers...3 of you...one which whom i still don't know who it is ....but i guess you find me interesting enough to keep following me..

Its just that I guess..I don't know..I have become more or less a robot..and I am beginning to think that I may not ever be happy and sadly ...I am ok with that...and don't get me wrong. Its not that my happiness depends on someone else, its just that, I have everything but someone. I have a wonderful daughter, I have a job that pays my bills, I have friends that love me and I appreciate them, but I want my happily ever after. I want to grow old with someone, I want to go places with someone, someone that I can cuddle with, turn around and know that they will be there. I don't want to die and not have experienced love, like its really meant.

I look around me and see people that are much more awful than what I am or have been, living the life I want. I just wonder, day in and day out what is it that I am paying, why has life been so bad in this sense to me...it has given me everything I can ask for..except what I really want.

Maybe I am meant to be alone. Maybe there is no one out there for me. Maybe I am just a random soul that has no purpose but to take up space. Maybe my tears are fuel to some type of mythical being that lives off of peoples sorrows and that is my only purpose..to feed it...

*sigh*

I am 31 years old (almost) and I can safely say, without knowing the future, that this has been the saddest year of my entire life...I do not think I can ever be any more sad than what I am right now...

....chelitta

Love & Sex

Is there a difference?

Many would argue that yes there is a difference, between "making love" and having sex. Sometimes I wish they would enlighten me, because I have come to the conclusion that in all my 14 years of being sexually active, I have never "made love". I might have been made love to, and that is still iffy, but to make love there has to be love from both ends right?

Is the feeling different? I mean seriously is it different, and what makes it different? I have so many questions that I never thought I would have, as I, according to my friends am well, and expert in the art of sex, which I don't even know how I feel about that.

Theoretically speaking, yeah I have been with many men, and ok, maybe have taught many of them new tricks but that alone doesn't make me an expert does it? And if it does, I rather be an expert in love making than sex. I have asked my friends, who claim have made love the difference. They cant seem to explain it. I asked is it slower, is it more fulfilling?  They seem not to have an answer.

Yes I have had the slow passionate sex before, the one where you spend countless minutes and even hours in the foreplay stage, and yes I have had the man want to look into my eyes when he climaxed, and that long passionate kiss afterward, but I have not been in love with these men. Then comes the question, if I have never been in love with these men, then why do I bed them?  I mean just typing out the question makes me feel weird.  Seriously why do I bed men I have no feeling what so ever for, and how can I do it so easily. I can use the I'm just that horny excuse for my younger years, but now?  How is it that I can contemplate having sex with someone just like that.  Is it to satisfy my need to be wanted, as opposed to physical need? Have I confused being wanted with being loved? Is it that I feel I have to give myself up like that just to be held?

I cant imagine how the act itself changes, or does it? does it become more intense, more exciting? what is the damn difference and what makes it so special, that it wraps people up and makes their face glow.

I feel I have so many questions and nobody to answer them, and it just leaves me with the feeling of wanting to experience it, making love, I want to make love, but at the same time, I know that it is impossible, because to make love you have to love the person you're with and he/she has to be in love with you, and I don't think I have it in me to love again. In fact I don't want to love again, nor do I want anyone to fall in love with me. Ok, maybe I do, but I honestly think this will never happen because I would be too afraid to, and i don't want anyone falling in love with me because that would just set them up for heartbreak, because I could never, or I would stop myself from loving them back...

*sigh*

truth is ...I am a "making love" virgin...and it looks like I will die a virgin....

Ironic...isn't it....

....chelitta

Because it happens

Te escribo esto, sabiendo que jamas lo leeras.

Te escribo esto por que te mereces una ultima entrada.

Te escribo esto, por q dentro de unas horas morira la mujer q te ama, q por razones del destino y de la vida nunca llegaste a conocer, y resucitara la mujer q nunca debio morir....

Te escribo esto por q un dia me hiciste una pregunta q no pude contestar....pero ahora si te la contestare.

Que vi en ti?

Vi tu alma...si tu alma...no me crees...alla tu ...vi parte de tu escencia...y me gusto.

Tu orgullo, tu perfeccionismo, tus ganas de hacer bien las cosas, tu inteligencia, ese hombre q aparenta ser fuerte pero q ...a veces, sin saber por q se entristece, vi al niño q vive en ti..si hay un niño ahi adentro..aunq lo quieras negar ...esta ahi.

No, no eres perfecto...tienes tus defectos y pueden ser miles, y tambien me enamore de ellos..

Ahora si me preguntas por q me enamore de ti..eso no puedo explicarlo...no tiene explicacion, estoy consiente que tu jamas me diste motivos para hacerlo pero paso....

Intente borrarte de aqui adentro, de mil maneras lo intente, intente hacerlo sin dejar morir a esta mujer q nacio por q queria un cuento de adas, por q se canso de jugar con la vida, por q queria ver si algun dia, terminaba de pagar sus pecados y al fin ser feliz...

Vivio por diez años esta mujer...sufrio dia a dia lo q la vida le ponia de castigo por su pasado, esperanzada q un dia iba a llegar a ser feliz...pero no ...no fue asi ...en vez de ser feliz, la vida logro q sufriera aun mas...poniendole a alguien q no fue hecho para ella...como diciendo...mira ...aqui esta lo q tu buscas..pero sabes q ...no es para ti...

Pero por mas q quize...no salias de mi corazon...y aun sigues clavado en el ...y cada dia la herida se hace mas profunda y ya no...prefiero matar a esta mujer por mi cuenta y no que muera por amor...

Ya pocas horas le quedan a esta mujer...y como condenada a muerte ve con ansias el momento de su muerte, pero sabe q es mejor morir luchando, y no morir derrotada..y queria decirte aunq sea por ultima vez...

I love you...

...because it happens...

You are LOVE

You were not made with or from love...

You were made by two people in search for something that neither of them could give eachother; You were made by two people that did not share that sentiment that moves mountains and makes everything possible.

You were not made with or from love...

You were a planned occurrence, a scheduled task, a date on a calender and a recipe of drugs and not love.

No, I will never hug you and tell you, "your father and I loved eachother very much when we had you" I can never give you that. I can never give you the comfort of knowing that you are a product of two people loving each other to a point, where they wanted proof of that love in the world.

What I can give you, is the power of knowing that you are love. You are loved with the same intensity, if not more than those that were made with and from love.

You will always know that, if you were not made from love, love is not lacking in your life.

You were not made from love but are the result of the best of two people...two people who now sacrifice themselves so that you know and feel that you are loved, to make up for their mistake.

No Mi'ja you were not born from love...but you are LOVE...and that is more than a lot of others born from love can say.

 I love because of you...I know love because of you...I am love with you....

....chelitta

Forever?

Before you start reading, I want you to know, my dear readers all 3 of them plus the other ones that randomly read me...that this has been one of my hardest post to write. See I usually sit down and type however it is that my thoughts flow, and it isnt until after I post that I sometimes edit, after I read it a few times..well this one..has been rewritten 4 times...the first time I wrote it ..it was full of anger and hurt, so I didnt post it but kept it as a draft, the second time I edited it turned out to be more like a love letter than anything and that is something that I also didnt want...the third time..it was more like a questionaire type thing..and I know the questions will never be answered so there was no point...and thus ..we have this fourth attempt...which I think turned out good because it is a combination of all three...so here goes...

"Everything that has a beginning has an end".

 

Yes it surely does, and you put an end to whatever connection was left between us. I will not lie and say it didn't hurt because it did. It hurt more than it did 5 weeks ago, because I know what this means. I know that now, there really isnt anything left to hold on to, not even what you so graciously offered me, one to many times...your friendship.

 

You are right about a whole lot of things, but you are also wrong on others, but so was I.

 Looking back, I think my mistake was to try and make you happy. If I would have stuck with my gut instinct, if I would have not given in, this whole situation would have been avoided. My heart would not be wounded and you would have never been agravated the way you were. If, and only if, I would have never let you back in, if I would have held my stand and said, No, my love,  I can't be your friend, my heart doesn't understand reason and will not give you a friendship. I would not be sitting here typing about the hurt I caused myself.

 

Yes, I can no longer put 100% of the blame on you, my love. It was both of us. Me for allowing the situation, and you for not understanding and wanting to make something out of nothing. Yes, you are right, you told me, day in and day out that you could not and would not offer anything other than friendship, but looking back, I did too...I told you, day in and day out that I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU and that I could never see you as a friend. How many times? Tell me how many times? As many times as you told me that you could not offer anything more than friendship..if not more. Yet you kept insisting, on something I could not offer you. It was not just about me wanting something you couldnt offer, my love. It was about BOTH of us wanting something NEITHER of us could give. You wanting a friend out of me, and me wanting a lover out of you.

 

How many times did I ask you for time? If that time would have been given, if you would have stepped back then, instead of now my heart would have not have been wounded as it has. Dont misunderstand me, I had let you go as a possible lover long ago, the day you told me, your heart is in someone elses hands...I let my grasp as a woman in love go...

 

Yet, despite everything...I would not let go of you as a possibility of a friend. I kept you there and that was my mistake...you stepped back halfway...I should have made you step back fully..then..that same day...I should have let it all go...so my heart could have hurt once and only once...but I didn't. Do you know why? Because despite the hurt I did not want to upset you..I knew that if I did what you did to me, it would upset you, I mean it had a few weeks back...remember? Remember when I did it? that first time..how hurt you were? Well multiply that by a whole lot, and that is how I felt...THREE times. But again..it was my fault, for trying to make you happy, for trying to be something to you that I couldnt be.

 

You asked me, Would you let someone in when you dont want to? When you cant? Look back my love, and you will have your answer. Did I not try? Did I not attempt to be your friend, even though in my heart I knew I could not be to you, the friend I know I can be? How many times my love did I tell you..I love you, how many times did I ask you, if you wanted me to stop loving you? No, my love, the issue wasnt only that I didnt care to listen..the issue was that NEITHER of us WANTED to listen.

 

You wanted me to be your friend, I want you to be my lover...you said friendship is forever, I said true love is forever....

 

Well I guess both our "theories" FAILED! Mine failed because of you, and yours failed because of me...isnt that something. You set out to prove your theory and I disproved it...I set out to prove mine and you disproved it...the difference is that you will make new friends, while I have no desire to ever love again. I now know that love exists, but you were right all along, love destroys, whatever is done in the name of love destroys the soul, the human, the mind. I don't ever want to feel the hurt that all this has caused.  

 

I do miss you, the friend that is...I really do, as I have said, I had given up on the possibility "love" but not on the possibility of friendship...but I guess you did...

 

I respect and accept your goodbye....

 

Forever?

 

"Forever is a long time, nothing is forever"


....chelitta

Por lo menos un Adios...

Una semana antes de mi graduacion de bachillerato, la cual marcaria el regreso indefinido a Estados Unidos, mi papa y unos amigos estaban tomando en la casa.

Yo venia de jugar un partido amistoso de soccer. Entre y al verlos me acuerdo que me entro bastante colera, y solo me fui de pasada sin saludar, ni regresar ningun saludo. Me bane, me arregle y sali rumbo a una fiesta de despedida que me habia organizado el equipo. Cuando sali tampoco me despedi, de nadie, aunq varios me dijeron adios, no les conteste.

Para cuando regrese ya mi padre estaba "fondiado" y sus amigos ya se habian marchado.

Al dia siguiente, ya cuando ya resaca le habia medio pasado, me hablo que lo acompanara a su "despacho".

Fue ahi donde el me dio una de las (pocas) lecciones que me han quedado grabadas y sembradas en la cabeza.

Karlita, que soy yo para vos? me pregunto en tono asi de decepcion. Confieso que cuando me pregunto eso pense que se habia dado cuenta del gran desorden publico que hicimos en la fiesta, y ya tenia mi excusa perfecta en la punta de la lengua si ese era el caso. Mi papa, le conteste. Y eso tiene importancia alguna en tu vida, me pregunto el. Ya medio nerviosa le conteste, Si papi como crees que no. Entonces? me pregunto..entonces que papi q paso? Entonces por que no me saludaste ni te despediste ayer? Por que estabas chupando con tus amigos, conteste ya enojada.

Ok, me dijo el..y mis amigos y yo no somos seres humanos que merecen respeto? El hecho que en TU mente no lleguemos a mas que unos mal vividos borrachos, no quiere decir que no seamos merecedores de un saludo, ni de una despedida. ...JAMAS Karla entres a un lugar, o mires a alguien sin saludar, y JAMAS te vayas de un lugar ni pases al lado de alguien sin despedirte. JAMAS.

Mario, cual es la diferencia, whats the big deal?

El big deal Karlita, es que todo ser humano, por mas inmundo que sea (para VOS) merece ser tratado como ser humano, por que para vos puede ser lo mas bajo, pero para otros es lo maximo, o me vas a decir que si el dia de manana me ves tirado en la cuneta y alguien pasa y me tira una patada, a vos no te va a doler? Soy tu papa, y me decis que me queres, aunq sea bolo y todo pero q soy para vos? Mi papa, conteste..aja me dijo para VOS soy tu papa, pero para el que me dio la patada no, al darme la patada a mi ...te la esta dando a vos, y de peor forma, por que yo, estoy bolo, tal vez ni la sienta..pero vos...al verla...te la estarian dando al alma...y el alma tiene mas sensaciones que cualquiere cuerpo podra tener.

Entonces Karlita, nunca entres a un lugar sin saludar, por que es falta de respeto, no a tu papa el bolo, pero a Mario, el ser humano.

Lo mismo al despedirte...nunca salgas de un lugar sin despedirte, por que nunca sabes si vas a volver a ver a esa persona o personas, y nunca sabes si ellos tienen algo que te quieran decir..y no van a tener otra oportunidad de decirlo. Lo mismo, si ves que alguien se va sin despedirse alcanzalo y despedite, no sabes si se va por que se siente mal, o que, y asi por lo menos le demostrastes q significa lo suficiente como para despedirse.

Acordate, se trata de ver al SER HUMANO, no al titlulo, el sexo, calidad etc...lo que para VOS es insignificante para otros no lo es.

Anoche..el chepe se queria despedir de vos...hoy se regreso a Mexico, y para cuando regrese ya no vas a estar, hija...que sabes si nunca lo vas a ver...y tan bien q se porto con vos. Como me dejaste a mi hija? Como quede yo? Acordate q vos tenes que ser la mejor representacion en el mundo de mi. Sos lo mejor de mi y por ende tenes que comportarte como tal.

Ese dia mi papa me hizo llorar..por que sus palabras me dolieron mucho mas que si mi mama hubiera agarrado el cincho y me hubiese pegado. Tenia mucha razon, los golpes al alma duelen mucho mas que los golpes al cuerpo...

Now 13 years later...se lo que sintieron esos hombres...ahora entiendo las palabras de mi padre...

Para Ud. fui solo un malestar...eso ya lo sabia...Ud decia que no ..pero yo sabia que si, yo se que yo no fui para Ud. lo que Ud para mi...pero soy al fin de cuentas un ser humano...bueno, malo, loco, enojado, impulsivo...lo que sea...soy un ser humano ..y si para Ud no fui mas que un zero a la izquierda...para mucha gente no lo soy....y eso merece....por lo menos un adios.

...chelitta

Sadness

There is sadness in my heart today...

Something is wrong..I cant explain it ...but I know something is wrong.

Its a different type of sadness...not the heartbroken sadness I have had in my heart for the past month...its something else.

Its a deep sadness...someone close is or will suffer..its runing through my veins, the sadness...

I wish I could know who it is that is feeling this way, so I can reach out and comfort them..tell them everything will be ok. Cry with them....show them that there is nothing wrong with being weak. Guide them.

I dont know who this or these people are..but they are very sad..sad enough that it has reached me.

I dont like it ..its is making me feel hopeless, more than usual.

It is a very dark sadness.

I hope it doesnt go on for a long time....

there is already enough sadness and emptiness in my heart....

....chelitta

FRIENDS

Well..

I got lonely one day...and well..I posted an ad on craiglist. YES!!! I know...I know I know.

I thought about it for a minute....I also joined okcupid..and got a hit but ever since the ad, I havent had much time to go back, plus well I havent got any notifications that I have mail.

Anyway back to my ad on craiglist...let me share it with you guys..it only has a couple more days before it expires..so if you didnt see it I am sorry ...

MY AD

Ok so now that you read my little testament. You can see what I am looking for correct? Yes a friend..thats it..no strings attached, no expectations, no sex, no love..NOTHING...but pure friendship...LOL.

Well needless to say...I got a few hits..well 23 to be exact..of which 11 have remained..and yes it is getting very hard to keep up with the emails. I think however, I am about to drop a few..just because I can smell their hidden agenda...meaning for some reason they think they can change my mind and get me in bed...oh little do they know who they are messing with...LOL

Now, you might ask why no pictures? Well because I dont want to know what they look like. Honestly whatever it doesnt matter to me...it is only friendship is that hard to understand? Well believe it or not for some of these peeps it is..some sent me their pics hopeing to get mine...didnt happen sorry...I make my rules..I choose how this game will be played.

I have a couple bilingual peeps ...very good...I like that...one SAYS..hes a doctor..if he is or not who knows, I dont care..I dont want his money...he can work at a mcdonalds for all I care, its nice being able to switch back and forth between languages though...thats definately is a plus...friendwise speaking of course...

OK! So I know I know...some of you my dear readers will ask the question..Friends Karla...really friends? Not love, not sex...but friends?

YES!!! I know hard to believe...but here is the thing...

I have officially given up on love...this time for real...I dont want to deal with it...i dont want to hurt more than I am now. I can't say anymore thats it doesnt exist...it does...and it is beautiful...and I bet it would be more beautiful if it were returned...but that is something I know I will never experience. Yes it does exist..ok ..fine..BUT it just wasnt made for me...thats all that there is to it. So why insist on something that will never happen..in the end, having hope only sets you up for heartbreak and being let down.

Also, I have always been of the thinking that people should start out as friends first...OK...granted the last romantic flop didnt happen like that..but I had no control what so ever on how that played out...seriously I am still dumb founded on why it happened the way it did..I cant find an explanation..but looking for one just depresses me more..so I rather not think about it ...it just happened and it obviously ended wrong..so lets not make that mistake again...

Friends..thats it...end of story.

So thus I am looking for a friend. Male...why male and not female..good question. I have always clicked more with guys than girls..I dont know why. I guess I can relate to guys more than I can to girls...LOL..who the hell knows...

So..we will see where this new adventure takes me..hopefully I wont end up on the news...murdered by a stalker..I know...we all have to be careful...but when its your day its your day and aint nothing gonna change that (in ghetto voice mmhmm)..teehee...

Well thats my little update....

...chelitta

Regrets?...

Well I havent been a woman of many regrets..actually I have none...I can say that honestly ...or do I?...let me explain...

Saturday was one of my friends party at a club ...ironically called WET. Now ever since she invited me, I knew this was something I did not want to go to. For a few reasons. One I have not been to a "club" in like 5 years, the last time was to celebrate my own 25th Bday, I have been to bars but a club not really, then because of my emotional distress I doubted to have any fun at all.

So I lingered about going or not, I made plans like I was, I requested the day off, I RSVP'D to it..just in case I changed my mind or something. Yet I wasnt excited about it. I mean I was excited for her but not for the party itself.

I waited till last minute to get an oufit..in fact I didnt have one until the day of... the thing..even then I was very hesitant, the thought of calling and saying sorry I cant go ...BUT I didn't. So I showered. did my hair and make up dressed up. slipped on my shoes and drove.

So I got there..felt totally out of place, too much maybe. Then out of the blue I was handed what I believe was a double shot of tequila. Cheers! and down it went...nice and smooth like only Patron knows how. Ok still felt out of place and the drinks just kept coming, suddenly my other coworkers showed up and I felt a little better. Ok...drinks kept coming...I lost count and I lost track of my liqours, meaning I was downing Grey Goose, Patron and ready for this Coronas, yes...BEER..everybody who freakin knows me knows I HATE beer...but by that time I think it all tasted the same....

Before the whole mixing of alcohols, I remember my coworker Jen, asked me if I was ready to dance, to which I responded I dont dance...uuuh ...hmmm...30 min later I was dancing...with a whole bunch of people...LOL...now...here comes the POSSIBLE regret factor part of night...

At some point, shit knows when...I started kissing a guy. I will not disclose names, as that has always been my protocol, lets just call him "the brother"...of who he was brother will also not be disclosed...I dont know how it started, why it started but it happend. Through out the whole nite as it was witnessed by many ..I was making out with the guy. Randomly...as in we would make out, each go dance with other people and then make out some more...etc etc..now when I say dance..I actually mean dry humping, men and women alike ...and by that I mean in a group...there was a lot woman on woman "dancing" going around, seductive, a lot of touching, slapping etc etc...some moments I remember, others not so much and a few not at all..and I prefer it this way..for the sake of my remaining sanity.

Now, this is the thing, a few weeks ago...I rejected another mans kisses...completely sober...having said this...the first time the brother and I kissed..I was still only half wasted and fully aware of my actions...whether or not he was..thats a whole different issue...yet let it be known if I believed in God I would be praying...that he wasnt and that he has no recollection of the events. Seriously....NOT because of him, but because of me...anyway moving on...Ok what was the difference between then and this time around...I have come to the conclusion that no, It was not the alcohol..it was something else...

Resentment? Hurt? Anger?

All of the above 

I have always thought that the above feelings are powerful motives, they drive people to say and do things that otherwise wouldnt do...So yes. I let go...completely...if it was for all the bad reasons I dont care. The fact is I did it, I now know I can do it....I just have to fill my heart with those ingredients...and look for someone like the brother, meaning one time type of situations, no strings attached, nothing to be expected..just in it for the fun.

Now...if  I liked the feeling, If I got over the hump, if I know what I need to do..

Do I regret doing it? or is the question Do I regret not enjoying the moment because despite of the anger, the hurt, and the resentment, there is still something more powerful than all three still in my heart? OR ..is just possible...that I can still say....

I have no regrets ....

.....chelitta

P.S: One thing must be clear..I DO NOT regret going, and am very very VERY appreciative of my friend inviting me and allowing me to celebrate with her and her friends, they were all very nice and made me feel welcome and part of the group. THANK YOU!