Day 2

This is too hard and painful.

I try getting my mind off you, it works but for a min, but when its just me and my thoughts they insist on being about you.

I ask my self over and over and over, why I cant let you go with the same ease you did..and of course the answer hurts me more. Because I love you, and you didnt.

I dont want to think about you anymore. You hurt me and you dont deserve to have me in your life. I am too much of a woman for you to handle. If this is true then why why why why ...arent you the one thinking of me, why arent you the one dying to be with me?

It doesnt matter...the truth is that your gone and it hurts...but you and I both know that this is for the best. You knew I wouldnt go knock on your door, not while I love you, and by the time I stop, too much time would have gone by....and I know that you did it because you cant and wont love me....so we are both clear. There wasnt a going back.

Regardless...my silly heart... still refuses....to let you go....

......chelitta

Day 1

Well being that I can't vent with the world...I will do it here...

So day 1 has come and gone...deep down inside I...wished that you wouldnt have pressed the button...but the sad fact is...you did...and with that ends...another sad chapter in the story which my life has turned into.

I cried, and will continue to cry for as long as you hurt. I can not pretend that it does not hurt and live my life like nothing happend. You dont deserve that....you deserve me not hating you...because you never lied, I will give you that..

Your letter was long, very long...hurtful...yes ...from the first word to the last...but there was one statement that hurt the most: "I cannot and will not" ....what a very powerful statement of self denial ever...no puedo ni debo...I wonder how many times you say that to yourself...

Sounds like something I tell myself day in and day out...I can not and will not cry, I can not and will not hurt, I can not and will not think of you ...the funny thing ..is that it doesnt work for me as much as it worked for you.....but then again I have only starting saying this to myself for a day....maybe if I say it as long as you have said it to yourself...it will start working.

So lets start...I can not and will not look for you, I can not and will not knock on your door...I can not and will not be selfish....I WILL let you be happy...

sadly...my heart says...it can not and will not stop loving you.....I guess it just likes to suffer...

.....chelitta

Random thoughts

So...today will be hard it will be one of those days where I wont feel as empowered as I have felt these passed 3 days...not because I will barely sleep...and wont see my daughter the whole day...but because..I am going with my friend, Paola,  to a wedding dress appt.

Dont get me wrong..I am very happy that she is happy and in love and all that good stuff. I just wish that she wouldnt have asked ME to go with her...not right now at least....and I did tell her no. I gave her my reasons..I said I am not ready to live that exp. again. I am not ready to handle the fact that maybe i will never again be that person looking at wedding dresses..that maybe truly love was not meant for me...I AM NOT READY TO HANDLE THAT. You are the only one that will tell me the truth ...she said..and with that she convinced me.

I am restructuring my life...i am getting healthy...finishing what I started years ago...but i must say my love life....i have no idea what the hell do do with that...and I better stop here...because I am not about to fall into that hole again....

....chelitta

but then there is the lunch thing with her friend...:S

From this day

I will be a strong beautiful woman. I will look at myself in the mirror every morning and LOVE me, because there is plenty to love. From this day I will be confident, will take each minute, each day at a time, because the future is not gauranteed. I will not worry about tomorrow because it is not here. I will live the today and the now because that is all I have.

I will never, say FML...because there is nothing wrong with it. I CONTROL it, it does not nor will not control me. If it gives me lemons, I will make the most delicous lemonade from it, if it gives me sweetness I will embrace it and share it with those that matter.

I will not worry about being loved, because those that matter already do. My love will blossom and grow into something worth having. I will not worry about finding mr. right, because if its meant to be it will, if it is not I will live my life accepting that you cant always get what you want and will grow from that. I dont need someone by my side to make me happy, All I need is myself to be happy, that person will just compliment my hapiness and give me the opportunity to share my hapiness with him. I will not settle for anything less than what I deserve, because I am worth it.

There will be harder days than others, there will be days where all I want to do is cry and give up...but I wont, I will cry a river, build a bridge and get over it. Because life is too beautiful to waste it thinking of the what ifs,and the whys. They do not exist.

Today I choose to be happy, today I choose to break free from miseries grasp and fall into bliss' arms.

Today, I go back to being who I once was, because that person smiled a whole lot more than what she does today.

What do you do

What do you do...

when the person you once loved hurts you with his words...what do you do ...when he tells you that you are the worse that he's had.

What do you do when, although you feel nothing for him as a man, his words still hurt...because they come from another human ...

What do you do when all you want is to be away from him...run from him....but you cant, because you and him have something in common....

The best of him, the best of you.....

What do you do when, he calls you by every possible hurtful word ...yet his best calls you mommy and takes your face in her hands and smiles at you ....

What do you do ...to hold back those tears that he caused...and bring yourself to smile with the happiness she gives...

What do you do ....when you know he is happy....he who has caused you so much pain...what do you do...when all you want to do is leave....

What do you do ...when you want everything to end....yet you know you cant...

because the best of him ...takes your face...and kisses you softly....

tell me....What do you do?

.....chelitta

My Truth

My truth is that I am weak...

I am not as strong as everyone thinks I am...

My truth is that everyday for as long as I remember I have pleaded to death to take me, I have stared it in its face, I have taunted it, I have called it....yet it passes me by, with its evil grin, as if to say...No ...not yet..suffer some more....

My truth is that today...while sitting at the edge of that cold hill...I closed my eyes and begged for it to come....I closed my eyes and taunted it....I closed my eyes and forgot about everyone, everything...I closed my eyes and imagined it...wrapping me in its dark blanket, in its coldness...

My truth is that while tears ran down my face I asked it why it wouldnt take me...I closed my eyes and called it...offered it my soul...tried to make a deal with it ...I got on my knees and called it with all that I had....

My truth is ...that while I called it ...while I asked it to embrace me with its dark mantle on that cold hill...I felt a stab in my womb...a stab like the one I felt the day light came into my life...and it stopped....

My truth is that while on that cold hill, tears running down my face....I saw her eyes looking at me...and I felt warm inside...

My truth is that while I am alone there is someone who needs me..because I am all that she has...

My truth is that I know what its like to walk alone on lifes road full of thorns....and I will never let her feel the way I do ...that she will have someone to help her dust herself when she falls...to grab her by the hand when she needs it and let her go when she is ready...

My truth is that she will never feel like I did today....

My truth is today...I looked death in its face...grinned ....and said ...not today...my suffering has purpose...

....chelitta

Tu ne quaesieris, scire nefas, quem mihi, quem tibi

finem di dederint, Leuconoe, nec Babylonios

temptaris numeros. ut melius, quidquid erit, pati.

seu pluris hiemes seu tribuit Iuppiter ultimam,

quae nunc oppositis debilitat pumicibus mare

Tyrrhenum: sapias, vina liques et spatio brevi

spem longam reseces. dum loquimur, fugerit invida

aetas: carpe diem quam minimum credula postero.

Do you think of me?

I sometimes wonder, what it would feel like, to know someone is thinking of you, randomly. I bet it feels nice, knowing, that while someone does the smallest thing as combing their hair, the thought of you crosses their mind. Sometimes, you make me smile, sometimes you make me cry.

Tell me, my love, how does it feel? ...to know that while cutting a green pepper you made me smile today...that while listening to a song you made me cry yesterday?

Do you think of me? At all...?

Tell me, how does it feel, to know that someone who you have never seen...wonders what you feel like...wonders how your hands feel..are they rough, are the soft? ...are they strong?

How does it feel to know, that someone wonders about your scent...do you wear cologne what kind, your eyes...how does it feel to know someone wants to look into them and lose themselves in them, even if its only for a minute...

How does it feel, my love...to know ..that there is someone that sometimes wonders ...

Do you think of me?

....chelitta

February

You are such a short month...yet you make me hurt so so much ...

Red hearts, stuffed animals, flowers, chocolates all over the place...yet none will be intended for this poor unloveable soul...that even though she loves so much...she wasn't meant to be loved.

Too many I love you's will be said, some will be sincere, some will be spur of the moment...but none will be said to her soul...

February....you remind her of all this love she has...and nobody to give it to...or that nobody wants, you remind her of what it used to feel to be loved...how she misses that...or the ilusion of what that is...

February...such a short month and you give so much sorrow to this god foresaken soul....

She asks herself day in and day out....when she will find someone that wants her love....she has so much...so so so much....and nobody wants it..."its their loss" she is told, yet she feel it is not ....its her loss...because she loses someone to give this love to...and yes...it is pure, and untouched...it just needs to be given a chance...

Her love has grown, matured and evolved...

February....such a short month....for something that lasts forever.....

.....chelitta