My Truth

My truth is that I am weak...

I am not as strong as everyone thinks I am...

My truth is that everyday for as long as I remember I have pleaded to death to take me, I have stared it in its face, I have taunted it, I have called it....yet it passes me by, with its evil grin, as if to say...No ...not yet..suffer some more....

My truth is that today...while sitting at the edge of that cold hill...I closed my eyes and begged for it to come....I closed my eyes and taunted it....I closed my eyes and forgot about everyone, everything...I closed my eyes and imagined it...wrapping me in its dark blanket, in its coldness...

My truth is that while tears ran down my face I asked it why it wouldnt take me...I closed my eyes and called it...offered it my soul...tried to make a deal with it ...I got on my knees and called it with all that I had....

My truth is ...that while I called it ...while I asked it to embrace me with its dark mantle on that cold hill...I felt a stab in my womb...a stab like the one I felt the day light came into my life...and it stopped....

My truth is that while on that cold hill, tears running down my face....I saw her eyes looking at me...and I felt warm inside...

My truth is that while I am alone there is someone who needs me..because I am all that she has...

My truth is that I know what its like to walk alone on lifes road full of thorns....and I will never let her feel the way I do ...that she will have someone to help her dust herself when she falls...to grab her by the hand when she needs it and let her go when she is ready...

My truth is that she will never feel like I did today....

My truth is today...I looked death in its face...grinned ....and said ...not today...my suffering has purpose...

....chelitta