Eternity

She comes and goes...as she pleases...isn't held back by anybody..by anything...

She is well prepared to face the world, life has taught her that she can handle anything and everything. She wears her heart on her sleeve, but very well guarded. It has been broken once before, yet she managed to find all the pieces and put it back together. She lets people in, but trusts no one to have it on their hands, she knows better. 

Her body is not perfect but has been where many perfect bodies have been, felt what they have felt and more. She is the owner of her body and does what she pleases with it, with whom she pleases. She is not a prude but does have a taste for the experienced man. 

She is strong, independent and full of life...

Until one day...she made a wrong decision...and it began a downward spiral of failure after failure ...the only thing she had left...was her heart...still worn on her sleeve, still protected...still untouched...finally after a long time...a little light was born within her..and she promised herself that she would be the best that she could for it...

Yet, she did not know what life had in store for her...and it took her by suprise, and it destroyed her...the only thing she had, her heart, was taken from her, she never saw it coming ...it was taken, shattered into a million pieces once again...and it was left there...for her to pick up..for her to put together...it was broken by silence.

It was so unexpected that she still sometimes wonders what happened...but just as she has done one too many times...she is slowly picking up the pieces, rinsing them off to wash away any imprint left behind ...and putting them back together...

a slow..painful process...because she knows that when she is done...she will not be what she once was...she will not wear her heart on her sleeve ever again...and never again will anyone have access to her heart...

She has a promise to keep...she will be the best she can be...for the little light that was born from her...she will make that light become a flame..and once it has reached its full intensity...she will step back ..and do what she has been longing to do ...

take...the leap of her life...into eternity....

....chelitta

Same Mistake

Its been SEVEN days!!!!

I honestly cant believe that its been this long..its been hard...it really has I log on and its like what the hell am I doing...and then I quickly check to see all the peeps are ok ..and then I move on ...sooo...

What have I done in these 7 days?

Well ...for starters...I have been catching up on my reading...and on my sleep. Also ..I have oh gzuz...lol ..I have started watching this brazilean soap opera...LMAO!!! and whats worse is ..that its an old one..its called Duas Caras..and its awesome!!! Im watching it all in Portugues w/o the subtitles, so that way I pick up on the language...and start speaking the damn thing..LMAO. Anyway ..I kinda understand the whole concept of the "novela" and I love it!!! I honestly havent and dont watch soap operas but for some reason, this one grabbed my attention even though I cant understand half of what is said. But its sooooo passionate...and of course being the hopeless romantic that I am...had to love it.

And well ...you know those backround songs they put..the ones u usually never pat attention too...well I do...LOL ..and I totally love the song..its like my song...jajajajaja and it makes me cry ..:'( ..but only temporarily ...and then I get happy again. I want to share it..unfortunately the damn record company or whatever disabled embedding on the oficial video so I have to share a crappy...version..but still ..its awesome...

It just makes me wonder...would I make the same mistake again?...

...chelitta

"Gifted"

What do you guys understand by that word?

"Gifted"

I understand it as something that was given to you. Usually when something is given to you, you usually consider it special, right? Well I don't think I like that.

Let me tell you why...

My daughter..which is 4 ..according to her recent evaluation is "gifted". According to this evaluation she has the "intelligence" of that of a 2nd grader. How the hell they figured that out...I have no idea...but she is now in the "Gifted" program, if we so choose to place her there. This is where it gets ugly.

I don't see my child as "gifted" (special)...to me she is what every 4 year old should be ...curious, funny, limit testing, button pushing, you name it ...that's her. Yes, I have been reading to her since inside the womb, yes maybe I did play and sing some classical music every now and then and maybe just maybe I exaggerated while being in the hospital and read things beyond fairy tales and nursery rhymes. Yes, I would make a game out of learning and teaching her the numbers and letters and how to spell her name and how to tell time. Does that make my child gifted? Does she really absorb what is being said to her and process it like a child of 7 or 8 rather than like a 4 year old? If so...why the hell does she not listen when I tell her to put her toys away, or not to come in the kitchen when the stove is on, or not to bug the hell out of the dog?

Why? Let me tell you why...because she is 4 :)...and that is what 4 year olds do ...that is their thing. Yes she may be able to add 2 and 3 and know that its 5...but she still wants to play, she still wants to run around instead of competing with a bunch of kids on who finishes their work first. That is where I am stuck...

We sat to observe a "gifted" class for an hour...we read the schedule...all work ..no play..they want to get the most out of them..I did not like what I saw one bit...kids have their own desk...the room looks like a college classroom rather than a 3-4 year old class...there are no ABC's no 123's on the walls, those little cute projects ...are non existent...The teacher lectures not as she would a preschool aged child, but an elementary one...I honestly don't like it...and doubt my child will...

She is 4 ...we have treated her age appropriately since the day she was born...I have never said or thought..ok your smarter than what you should be let me treat you as such...she still loves spaghetti and gets it all over the place...she watches Dora the explorer instead of some National Geographic show..

She is my one and only...and although ..I know one day she will spread her wings and fly...I am in no hurry for that to happen...everything has its time and its purpose.

I wish, I could ask her ..do you want to be in the "Gifted" program...and she gave a yes or a no..it would be much easier...I know ..she wont like it...I know this..will I be a bad parent for pushing her or for holding her back? What if I push her to much? what if I don't push her enough?

Right now..I wish I were gifted..to know the future...to know what to do ...this is my child's future we are talking about...that is something I don't want to mess up....

...chelitta

You were right

Well Hello there...long time...very very long time...lets undust this place...lets make it happen again...:) ...Its time...its time to move on...to be free...to spread my wings and fly again...to wherever I please...

*sigh*

Ok ...maybe not ...teehee...

So anyway...for whoever reads this ..prolly no one ..but thats ok ...I have officially left twitter..well kinda...I check in daily ..to see if all my favies are ok ..and then ...leave...in and out with a quickness ...before I get tempted to tweet something ...anyway..lets get to the nitty gritty ...

I got an email...from a friend...I havent heard from her...in well ..the time ive been back in Cali. So about 3 years? anyway ..it was an email that I never thought I would read...she and her husband are getting divorced...and she pointed out..."you were right"...and even though I always knew I would be it kinda hurt ...because I honestly never said what I said ...in an ill way...I said it because it is what I believe in ...

Now let me go back to that night...me and my damn memory...I swear if I get Alzheimers that will be the death of me...

We were at Applebee's ...I was having a Long Island, and she was having a Margarita...we started talking and she asked me ...Do you shave...I looked at her kinda funny ..and said uhh yeah ...doesnt everybody? ...and then it hit me...she wasnt asking if I shaved my legs ..or my armpits...she was asking ...if I SHAVED...and I said ..OH! ..and she blushed..and I said ..yeah ...why? I then she dropped the news...she didnt ...and her husband wanted her to and she was a prude that wouldnt do it.

Now..for those of you reading this and that know me...you all know that once she said that a million things went through my head...and one of them being...if she doesnt "do" a simple thing as SHAVE to please he man...she isnt doing much otherwise either...so then I asked her ..why? The answer she gave me ...floored me..."God meant sex to be for procreation not for pleasure" I went WTF!!!! ...

And so I laid it out to her straight...Well ..you ask God what to do when your man finds someone else to take care of him and please him when you dont. If you dont take care of your man ...someone else will.

hence...the you were right...he cheated on her...after she found out she tried everything to please him but it was too late...he had already tasted the different fruits that were out  there..and as hard as this woman tried...she couldnt do or give him what the others could...because whatever she did ..wouldnt be because she wanted to ...it would be to keep him...so she would never enjoy it ...

She wrote asking me for advice...what I wrote back was not what she wanted to read...I told her .it was time to let him go...because once a man cheats...god damnit ...he will do it again and again and again ...no matter how many times he promises, no matter what he does..he will do it....she wrote back...I love him...and then I said..all the more reason to let him go...

She of course not knowing what I have been through recently ...wrote back saying you dont understand what it feels like...not to be loved by the man you love...you dont know what it is like knowing he loves someone else...that he is with someone else...you are asking me to let go of my heart, you are asking me to break my heart in a million pieces....and let him go...because you dont know what it is....

*sigh*

I wrote back...I am telling you ..to let go of the man you love because he is happy with someone else..and when someone loves another person, even if your heart breaks, you have to let them go...I do know what it is...please do not ask why or how...because I cant and will not tell you...YET...i am not ready to talk about it ....when the day comes..I will and then you will see that I can feel your pain even miles away...please..do it for yourself...and for your son...let him go...be happy that he is happy...give yourself the place you deserve...cry..every fuckin day until it stops hurting ..and dont be ashamed that you are...you be proud that you are hurting ..because the day you stop hurting ...you will be much strnger than what you ever thought you would be ...

It gets hard...to know that your words become reality...I truly never meant them to become that...but just as those infamous words came true ..I also know that what I said will too..she will get over it..she will one day wake up and see the light at the end of the tunnel...and have the damn strength to let go and move on...to keep going...even if the pain is still there...

and you guys know why...

because I did...

....chelitta