Well, yesterday was my Bariatric consult and I am very pleased and somewhat happy. Prior to the appt. I was nervous as hell, shaking and everything. I didn't know what to do or think. Thankfully the MD put me as ease. Couple odd things I noticed that were quite weird. There were fat fish in the waiting area, and the receptionist were on the chubby side as well. Other than that the whole atmosphere was very pleasant. The MD was very professional and listened to everything I had to say. He asked me and mentioned various times that this was a life changes surgery and if I wanted to really do I had to make an effort.
Of course I kept saying yes. I know that it may not be the smartest choice but I feel it's the only one I got. So the plan is, I have to make a GI appt with one of his associates and have 2 psychiatric consults, one now and one right before surgery. I also have to be on a diet for 6 months and log in all my intake as well as what type of exercise I did and for how long. Thats going to be tedious, but I guess I have to do it.
So that' s it for now. Will keep you guys updated.
... chelitta
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Nervous...
On the eve of my bypass consult appointment, I find myself nervous and sad. Not excited. I didn't want to get to this point. I didn't want to have a surgery and to be honest I don't know if I want to. I also don't want to be fat. I know that I have tried everything in my power to fix it and it hasn't worked. I am sad because I feel I am letting myself down and disappointing some people. I know that this is for the best and that I will most likely benefit from it greatly, despite all the restrictions I will have.
The thing is, I don't know if I am thinking this for the right reasons. While I have a a huge list of health issues, most related to my weight, its not why I want to be thin. I want to be thin so I don't look ugly, at least not as much as I do now. I don't want it to be healthy, I want it to look good. Is the risk worth it?
I feel like a total shallow person saying that. This world is made up of shallowness. Even if we want to deny it, or we try to tell ourselves that looks don't matter, they do. Maybe not to some of us, but to the vast majority they do. It is sad how we have allowed ourselves to be told what beauty is or what it should be. So as I sit here and type... millions of thoughts cross my mind. I don't want to appear to be taking the easy way. I don't want to feel like I let society define how I should look in order to feel pretty.
I wonder, if I were to meet someone after my weight loss, will he have liked me fat? If not, do I want to be with someone like that? Inside I will be the same person, and isn't that what a relationship should be based on, compatibility? So why wouldn't he had looked at me with some extra pounds on me. What'll happen when I get older and wrinkles start showing? If my PCOS get worse and I go bald and have to wear wigs? Will he leave me? Do I want to be in a relationship where I feel like I always have to look good or he will leave me? No, I don't. I also don't want to be in a relationship thinking that he will leave me because I am fat. I wish I could embrace myself. I can't. I wish I would have met someone prior to me going through all this, someone that would tell me that they love me no matter what, fat, skinny, bald and crazy. It didn't happen.
So here I am, thinking and thinking and driving myself crazy. Hoping for a last minute sign from the universe...
... chelitta
The thing is, I don't know if I am thinking this for the right reasons. While I have a a huge list of health issues, most related to my weight, its not why I want to be thin. I want to be thin so I don't look ugly, at least not as much as I do now. I don't want it to be healthy, I want it to look good. Is the risk worth it?
I feel like a total shallow person saying that. This world is made up of shallowness. Even if we want to deny it, or we try to tell ourselves that looks don't matter, they do. Maybe not to some of us, but to the vast majority they do. It is sad how we have allowed ourselves to be told what beauty is or what it should be. So as I sit here and type... millions of thoughts cross my mind. I don't want to appear to be taking the easy way. I don't want to feel like I let society define how I should look in order to feel pretty.
I wonder, if I were to meet someone after my weight loss, will he have liked me fat? If not, do I want to be with someone like that? Inside I will be the same person, and isn't that what a relationship should be based on, compatibility? So why wouldn't he had looked at me with some extra pounds on me. What'll happen when I get older and wrinkles start showing? If my PCOS get worse and I go bald and have to wear wigs? Will he leave me? Do I want to be in a relationship where I feel like I always have to look good or he will leave me? No, I don't. I also don't want to be in a relationship thinking that he will leave me because I am fat. I wish I could embrace myself. I can't. I wish I would have met someone prior to me going through all this, someone that would tell me that they love me no matter what, fat, skinny, bald and crazy. It didn't happen.
So here I am, thinking and thinking and driving myself crazy. Hoping for a last minute sign from the universe...
... chelitta
Wishes...
I wish I were pretty. Before I go into it further... let me define what pretty is for me. Pretty is someone that when you look at them you think, oh she is pretty. No necessarily drop dead gorgeous but not "oh damn she ugly" either. Someone that when a man sees her he doesn't immediately dismiss her, but isn't thinking "i could do her". Pretty is someone a man sees and wants to get to know more. Someone who doesn't have to make an effort to look good, that can wear anything and it looks right. Someone whose hair isn't always perfect but isn't always looking like you just got out of bed either. Pretty is someone that when she meets a man she doesn't immediately think she is not his type because of how she looks. Someone that feel confident to smile and look at a mans eyes. You guys get the picture. I hope.
I used to be or at least feel pretty. Years ago. I was much thinner and I didn't look like what I do now. Old and worn. I used to have guys attention and wasn't shy around them. No, I wasn't beautiful, but I was pretty. I wish I were that again. I wish I could at least feel half of how I used to feel when I was younger. I cant. I look at myself if the mirror and all I see is fat. I see a stomach that looks like I am about to give birth that dangles like an apron. I see wobbly arms that are even bigger than my daughters legs. I see a double chin that can be actually 3 chins. I see a smile with crooked teeth and a huge gap in between. I see thinning hair, I see skin discolorations, thanks to hormonal imbalances caused by PCOS, that look like I haven't showered. I see a nose that is covered by cheeks and eyes that look Asian because of them. I see legs that are full of cellulite and don't go with my body. I see a chest that is flat. In short: I see ugly.
People are quick to say, "you have to love yourself", look at all the good that you have. Well, based on the above, do any of you think I see any "good". No I don't. The worst, my personality doesn't even help. I have become this bitter person that avoids people. I smile because I have to not because I want to. I frequently push people away because I do not trust them. If a man does ever approach me I ask myself his true intentions.
I wish I were pretty. I wish that when I see someone I like I wouldn't think that he is unreachable. I wish I could think that maybe I do have a chance. I wish I wouldn't fear rejection. I wish I didn't have to like someone in secret and just be able to show it or say it or even flirt. I remember when I could do that. I remember when men weren't so interested on how a woman looks. I wish I would find a man that says that he doesn't care and actually mean it. Often men say that. When they meet you they don't want to appear shallow and they say something like "looks don't matter". Yet, as time goes by you notice that they do. They are attracted to beautiful women, and they make weird comments about other women not so nice looking.
I just wish... I could find someone that can look beyond all that. That can make me feel pretty. That takes me by the hand and isn't afraid of what people are going to say. Sometimes, when I am with someone in public, man or woman, I feel like they are embarrassed or ashamed to be seen with me, more if they are male. Deep inside my fear is that one day my own daughter will be ashamed to be seen with me, not because of normal teen things, but because I am fat and ugly.
Maybe, someday... my wishes come true. Until then, I just have to keep on going, guarding my heart, avoid feeling, and smile... because I have to.
...chelitta
I used to be or at least feel pretty. Years ago. I was much thinner and I didn't look like what I do now. Old and worn. I used to have guys attention and wasn't shy around them. No, I wasn't beautiful, but I was pretty. I wish I were that again. I wish I could at least feel half of how I used to feel when I was younger. I cant. I look at myself if the mirror and all I see is fat. I see a stomach that looks like I am about to give birth that dangles like an apron. I see wobbly arms that are even bigger than my daughters legs. I see a double chin that can be actually 3 chins. I see a smile with crooked teeth and a huge gap in between. I see thinning hair, I see skin discolorations, thanks to hormonal imbalances caused by PCOS, that look like I haven't showered. I see a nose that is covered by cheeks and eyes that look Asian because of them. I see legs that are full of cellulite and don't go with my body. I see a chest that is flat. In short: I see ugly.
People are quick to say, "you have to love yourself", look at all the good that you have. Well, based on the above, do any of you think I see any "good". No I don't. The worst, my personality doesn't even help. I have become this bitter person that avoids people. I smile because I have to not because I want to. I frequently push people away because I do not trust them. If a man does ever approach me I ask myself his true intentions.
I wish I were pretty. I wish that when I see someone I like I wouldn't think that he is unreachable. I wish I could think that maybe I do have a chance. I wish I wouldn't fear rejection. I wish I didn't have to like someone in secret and just be able to show it or say it or even flirt. I remember when I could do that. I remember when men weren't so interested on how a woman looks. I wish I would find a man that says that he doesn't care and actually mean it. Often men say that. When they meet you they don't want to appear shallow and they say something like "looks don't matter". Yet, as time goes by you notice that they do. They are attracted to beautiful women, and they make weird comments about other women not so nice looking.
I just wish... I could find someone that can look beyond all that. That can make me feel pretty. That takes me by the hand and isn't afraid of what people are going to say. Sometimes, when I am with someone in public, man or woman, I feel like they are embarrassed or ashamed to be seen with me, more if they are male. Deep inside my fear is that one day my own daughter will be ashamed to be seen with me, not because of normal teen things, but because I am fat and ugly.
Maybe, someday... my wishes come true. Until then, I just have to keep on going, guarding my heart, avoid feeling, and smile... because I have to.
...chelitta
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Serious Decision...
So, as many of you know, I have been dealing with my weight and my PCOS forever. I have been on almost every diet there's been, and tried everything under the sun. It works, for like 1-2 months and then my weight seems to go back up, or I lose motivation, or my own body prevents me from going on.
For example, my latest try, around this time last year, was going phenomenal... I was losing weight getting toned and even liking the healthy eating. Unfortunately, I started having heart issues, then school wore me out and I just stopped completely. I kept with the healthy eating but guess what?... I gained every single ounce back .. plus some. Needless to say I am so disappointed I just gave up. So I consulted with my MD and she said that I may actually qualify for weight loss surgery. I have been referred to a specialist and my appointment is on Friday.
I am nervous and hesitant. I understand that this is a high risk surgery and that I will have to change my eating habits even more. I was looking on their website and find that I probably have some time before the surgery actually does happen, as there are so many "pre-reqs" I have to meet before anything happens. I have to have at least 6 months of documented weight loss attempts.. which unfortunately I don't. All this for insurance purposes. I know I will definitely qualify because of my health history but insurance companies nowadays think we find the easy way out.
I used to think that people that had the surgery were taking the easy way. Truth is, its not easy at all. Like I said, I have done and tried everything. I need help. Its not just "controlling" myself. Its more, my body works against itself. People need to understand that. I wish there was more awareness about PCOS. Maybe more people would understand that maybe the woman walking down the street, is trying the best she can, she is starving herself, and yet it seems that even drinking water makes her gain weight. That's me. That's my story.
I am hesitant still. Since I have to have documented proof, I will start on August 1st again. Hopefully this time my body cooperates. Maybe I will take it even more easy and won't do too much too soon. Hopefully I don't lose motivation this time. I really don't want to have the surgery, but I am tired of being fat. I can not embrace a body I do not like. There is nothing to like about it. Deep inside I feel this isn't my body.
Blogging my progress will help me keep track of what I am eating. I will post weekly, pix and weight and maybe measurements. Daily I will post my intake and whatever I did to work out and how I feel. Hopefully this will inspire some and you will join me in my struggles. Especially women battling PCOS.
So.. See you guys on August 1st!!!
...chelitta
For example, my latest try, around this time last year, was going phenomenal... I was losing weight getting toned and even liking the healthy eating. Unfortunately, I started having heart issues, then school wore me out and I just stopped completely. I kept with the healthy eating but guess what?... I gained every single ounce back .. plus some. Needless to say I am so disappointed I just gave up. So I consulted with my MD and she said that I may actually qualify for weight loss surgery. I have been referred to a specialist and my appointment is on Friday.
I am nervous and hesitant. I understand that this is a high risk surgery and that I will have to change my eating habits even more. I was looking on their website and find that I probably have some time before the surgery actually does happen, as there are so many "pre-reqs" I have to meet before anything happens. I have to have at least 6 months of documented weight loss attempts.. which unfortunately I don't. All this for insurance purposes. I know I will definitely qualify because of my health history but insurance companies nowadays think we find the easy way out.
I used to think that people that had the surgery were taking the easy way. Truth is, its not easy at all. Like I said, I have done and tried everything. I need help. Its not just "controlling" myself. Its more, my body works against itself. People need to understand that. I wish there was more awareness about PCOS. Maybe more people would understand that maybe the woman walking down the street, is trying the best she can, she is starving herself, and yet it seems that even drinking water makes her gain weight. That's me. That's my story.
I am hesitant still. Since I have to have documented proof, I will start on August 1st again. Hopefully this time my body cooperates. Maybe I will take it even more easy and won't do too much too soon. Hopefully I don't lose motivation this time. I really don't want to have the surgery, but I am tired of being fat. I can not embrace a body I do not like. There is nothing to like about it. Deep inside I feel this isn't my body.
Blogging my progress will help me keep track of what I am eating. I will post weekly, pix and weight and maybe measurements. Daily I will post my intake and whatever I did to work out and how I feel. Hopefully this will inspire some and you will join me in my struggles. Especially women battling PCOS.
So.. See you guys on August 1st!!!
...chelitta
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