Nervous...

On the eve of my bypass consult appointment, I find myself nervous and sad. Not excited. I didn't want to get to this point. I didn't want to have a surgery and to be honest I don't know if  I want to. I also don't want  to be fat. I know that I have tried everything in my power to fix it and it hasn't worked. I am sad because I feel I am letting myself down and disappointing some people. I know that this is for the best and  that I will most likely benefit from it greatly, despite all the restrictions I will have.

The thing is, I don't know if I am thinking this for the right reasons. While I have a a huge list of health issues, most related to my weight, its not why I want to be thin. I want to be thin so I don't look  ugly, at least not as much as I do now. I don't want it to be healthy, I want it to look good. Is the risk worth it?

I feel like a total shallow person saying that. This world is made up of shallowness. Even if we want to deny it, or we try to tell ourselves that looks don't matter, they do. Maybe not to some of us, but to the vast majority they do. It is sad how we have allowed ourselves to be told what beauty is or what it should be. So as I sit here and type... millions of thoughts cross my mind. I don't want to appear to be taking  the easy way. I don't want to feel like I let society define how I should look in order to feel pretty.

I wonder, if I were to meet someone after my weight loss, will he have liked me fat? If not, do I want to be with someone like that? Inside I will be the same person, and isn't that what a relationship should be based on, compatibility? So why wouldn't he had looked at me with some extra pounds on me. What'll happen when I get older and wrinkles start showing? If my PCOS get worse and I go bald and have to wear wigs? Will he leave me? Do I want  to be in a relationship where I feel like I always have to look good or he will leave me? No, I don't. I also don't want to be in a relationship thinking that he will leave me because I am fat. I wish I could embrace myself. I can't. I wish I would have met someone prior to me going through all this, someone that would tell me that they love me no matter what, fat, skinny, bald and crazy. It didn't happen.

So here I am, thinking and thinking and driving myself crazy. Hoping for a last minute sign from the universe...

... chelitta