That was the question of the day.
I am going to therapy. I have been for the past 3 weeks. I feel that it helps me ...but at the same time I feel like it brings me down. I know.... It is part of the process.
*sigh*
Today she asked me the above question, but she added "or are you now in love with the idea of a man like him". I hesitated. I must admit. She caught me there, yet she knew my answer, and she said, he is not here, you are not breaking your promise...just say it, how long has it been. With that I said it...Yes, the answer will always be yes...I still do, I know I shouldnt but I do.
Love is not something that should be banned. Why do you say that you shouldnt? she asked. My answer, the three words I tell myself when I feel I am falling: Ama a otra. She surprised me with her answer, I must say, I didnt expect it...she said and? You are not taking him away by loving him, you have put so many walls up around this love, it is not free. Love is meant to be free. If someone is offended by the fact that you love someone then they have the problem not you.
I was speechless, and tears running down my eyes. I need you to say it...I need you to say that you love him and not feel guilty because you do. There is nothing wrong with loving. No matter how many times he made you feel like there was...there isnt. I told her I couldnt anymore. That everytime I tried...I just couldnt ...she said then your love was never strong to begin with ...it is a coward love...she was pushing my buttons...I said no ...my love is not coward ...it knows its limits and it cant and wont cross them. He loves another woman, I WILL and MUST ..respect that.
She yelled...YOU ARE NOT DISRESPECTING ANYONE BY LOVING HIM!
Now say it..he is not here...she is not here say it and dont add "i know I shouldnt" HE MADE YOU LOVE HIM...I need you to understand that...He had the opportunity from the beginning to tell you he loved someone else...did he? NO HE DID NOT....you have to stop excusing him, he fucked up...not you...you were honest from day one..was he? NO...and the excuse he gave you is unacceptable, you were not asking for an explanation of his life, you were not asking for his love story...all he had to say was I love someone else. The way he did after it was too late. Did you ask explanations after he told you, NO you did not...you took his words and decided to step back ...no questions asked...except one that you had a RIGHT to ask...why didnt he tell you sooner? He avoided answering your question. HE AVOIDS IT, because he knows he fucked up, and if he doesnt...then I am sorry to say that man you love, does not deserve your or anyone elses love.
and there I was ...listening to every word she said...and she asked me again...."Do you still love him"?
...and my answer....was ....Yes....the answer will always be yes..end of story.
*sigh*
stupid heart....refusing to listen to any logic....
The session ended with.....do not be ashamed of loving another womans man, be ashamed if you are trying to part them, you have never tried this, how many times after he told you that his heart belonged to someone else did you tell him you loved him? NONE! ...you stepped back...you did the right thing...your love is true, it is pure ...I would be honored if someone loved me like that....Do not be ashamed of your love...you can not fight for it or hold on to it...but at least you know ..you are capable of loving like this...and I am sorry to say...and it may sound unprofessional ...but a love like this...only comes once in a lifetime...you will love again, yes you will...but not like this....
I sat there...wiping my tears....and thanked her...for believing me...for not treating me like I was some crazed obsessed woman...she said..the only obsession I see in you...is wanting to get rid of what you feel...and we will figure that out in time...
I feel better...I feel relieved...I have not said that I loved him in a long time....not publicly at least ...I am doing it now...
Yes, I still love him...end of story.
...chelitta
