Do I ever cross your mind?

Yes, its a song by Brian Mcknight or however you spell it. That song popped into my head because, I actually had that thought today.  I thought, if I ever crossed his mind. If at any point during his day, the thought of me popped into his head. If his lips longed mine.. then I remember he is probably already entertained by someone. It hurts. However, it is life. People come and people go. He left. When I needed him most. He left. Does it hurt? Of course it does. This man, was the first person in over 7 yrs who I can say I gave my heart, body and soul to.

Sad isn't it? How for many years I asked for love. How I asked not to be alone anymore. Then I found someone, only to be hurt again. Only to taste what it is to be loved, what it was to have someone. That is now gone. He is gone. Here I am. Alone.

But everything will be fine. Isn't it always? It only took me 7 years to get the courage to date again, only to be hurt. Not like I have that  time anymore. I don't even have my Angel to help me through this time. I should've remained still. Funny what fear makes you do.

I still wear the necklace. I am not ready to take it off. I need to be strong. For me, for my daughter. I am love. I have always been love and that is my problem. Would I choose to be something else, cold for example, if I had the opportunity. Sometimes I say, I wish I were cold, but if I had a real opportunity, would I choose to be cold? I honestly don't know. Probably not. I ave always said that I prefer to die, before I withhold love from someone. That I will never hold back an I love you, even if that means being a fool. I couldn't do it. I do wish, I wouldn't hurt like I do though...but that just means I am alive.

I love him. I doubt that he knows or even realizes how much I love him. I doubt that he will ever appreciate what he had. I doubt that he will ever understand what he meant to me. Now... he will turn into a memory. He will be the man I loved after 7 years. The man I risked everything for.

Yes...you will always cross my mind. for so many reasons....

I wish ...

I wish you were dead... no, that's not an actual death wish, I am OK with you being alive, but if you were dead, your absence in my life wouldn't hurt like it does, because it wouldn't be voluntary.

I wish you would tell me how you do it. How you can be talking to a person one minute and the next just walk away from them. No proper good bye, nothing.

I wish you would tell me why it doesn't hurt you as its hurting me, you never showed me that, I never thought I would need it, I do now.

I wish you would tell me, why you lied and faked a relationship like you did. What was your point. Why did you want my trust?...

I wish you u would tell me why u broke me. What was ur purpose... To see me give up on life all over again?

I wish u didn't hurt like you do. I wish i could wake up and say fuck it ...his loss...but i cant...

I wish i would've told you how i felt.... If u were gonna walk out of my life anyway...

I wish nobody hurts u ... Like u have me. I don't wish this pain upon anyone.

I wish i didn't want to die because of this. .. But i do ... For me there is no point to continue...a life
being unable to trust people is not a life ...  

I wish ... U would explain to me why u did this.. U hurt...

I wish i had u in front of me... So i could tell u... Everything ... And walk away... Knowing u know... U walked away from a person that cared about you... The only way she knows how....

Spiritual Awakening ...

The above pic.. is the latest addition to my body art. Yes. That's right. I did it. with out regrets. Nothing to lose, nothing to gain. There is a deep spiritual meaning behind it, which I will get into...

Let's start with the "Om" or "Aum": according to the internet and some other people I talked to prior to this whole thing "Om" can be described as "one of the most important spiritual symbols (pratima), It refers to Atman (soul, self within) and Brahman (ultimate reality, entirety of the universe, truth, divine, supreme spirit, cosmic principles, knowledge)" Also, the sound is associated with the primordial sound associated with the creation of universe from nothing.

So. In short, I am Om. I am a part of the universe. I am searching within myself for my answers. For my balance. For the true me. So yes, it has a meaning, it has a purpose. To remind me of the time when I died. Completely. To remind me of the day my soul was left in the dark, and could not find itself...to stop me, from engaging in any thing that might send me back here. When I see the Om I will be reminded of the greatness that is in me. That I have a purpose and that I will not allow anyone to hurt me. 

Now, the Lotus flower. Confucius said “I have a love for the Lotus, while growing in mud it still remains unstained."  This is what I found around the internet: "the heart of the Lotus is considered to be purist and people need to strive to be like the opened flower and be of good heart; the soul is also considered to be within the heart of the Lotus. Furthermore, in Hinduism the Lotus flower is representative of how a person can become awakened to the spiritual reality."

So, its a flower that despite living in muddy waters, is beautiful. Its a reminder of who and what I want to be. Beautiful, inside and out. I will be that. I will be that even if it takes me forever. Even if I die trying. I will be one. it will remind me, that despite being in a dark place, I can rise above it and shine. 

This is where I am now. In the mud. In the darkness. Maybe I did this out of anger, out of hurt, on an impulse, however, I do not regret it. I had wanted it for some time. I wasn't the right time. Now it was. This was my opportunity. I did it. I know for many, marking ones skin is not looked well upon. Well, I am done being what other people want. I am done thinking I can please everyone but myself, I am done. 

If this will stop me from meeting God, again, because some religions say so, then I want nothing to do with their religion, or if God truly will turn his back on me because I adorned my body, then maybe I don't want to meet that God again. The bible says: "Present your bodies a sacrifice living, holy, acceptable to God, a sacred service with your power of reason.” (Romans 12:1). Well, when you prepare your house for guests, you clean it and buy flowers and make it look pretty. The fact that I have ink does not make me any less "holy" nor are people that don't have them holier than I. God is not a religion.

I am broken. I am in spiritual and emotional despair. Where will all this take me? Fuck if I know. All I know is that I am where I didn't want to be again... I AM DEAD...and looking for my spiritual awakening... 

Destroyed ...

They met under the most inconvenient circumstances, clicking automatically. At the time it seemed as though their souls were destined to meet, to be with each other. They rushed into an ocean of emotions without fear, It felt right, despite the lingering clouds over them, little did she know, a storm was brewing.

She opened up to him, in ways she hadn't before, to anyone. She had found a soul she could trust, alas after more than a lifetime of mistakes she had found that ONE soul, she saw it, every time she looked into his eyes...or so she thought.

He started pushing her away, slowly yet painfully. Over and over. He told her things she didn't expect, "the truth", he said. His outbursts became more frequent. Each time she felt as though he was stabbing her heart, until one day he gave his final blow. He broke her, in a million pieces and in a single instant he destroyed her, because  she had trusted him like he had trusted no other.

He threw her away, he disposed of her after he was done with her, after he had used her. He told her he loved her, she believed it, He told her he wanted her for her, not her flesh, he lied. Over and over, he lied. Every day, he lied, and she believed his words. She thought he was different, she was wrong, yet again.

So there she was, her world shaken up, destroyed, by his words. She was lost. She had died. The part of her that was briefly resurrected, not to long ago, had died.  She promised herself to become what the world thought of her. She would become cold, evil, calculating and manipulative.  Even if that meant going against her souls nature; she was love, but his words destroyed that, they had destroyed her heart, her essence.

There she was, in the same place she had sworn never to be again. That dark place where she was left 7 years ago. That place that left her in despair, vulnerable, hopeless, wanting to die. What would become of her this time? What would she do to over come it, this time? Could she?  She was no stranger to this dark cold place, she knew what it could do to her. For the first time, in a long time she was scared. Scared of herself, scared of her thoughts.

One thing, was certain for her. She knew she would resurrect, once again, but she would not be the same. There was nothing left of her this time. . She would be someone no one would recognize, someone no one would know. Was the universe ready? Was she ready for this change? Only time would tell...

Fucked up Shit!

Yes, that is what is happening in my life right now... some fucked up shit. How I get myself in these fucked up situations, I have no idea. The thing is ... I cant deal with it. I am beyond confused at this point. For example, I might as well be the poster child for Pavlov's classical conditioning. I hear the piano being played and I can not help but cry. Tears just fill my eyes, doesn't matter if its a happy song or just someone fooling around with the keys. It hurts. It makes me miss someone. It makes me think of all the hurt.

This last week has been difficult. Very much. Not only have I lost my best friend, I lost another good friend...I am confused. I am hurt and I don't know what the hell to do. Six months ago I left for El Salvador to heal and to grow and to find peace and to prepare myself to start dating. I found inspiration and new belief in the Universe. When I came back I opened myself up to new possibilities.  What a mistake. I should've just stayed put.I should've never looked for anything.

My once best friend always told me, "be careful what you wish for"... and oh was he damn right. Fuck. I went from having nobody to having multiple somebodies. The thing is they all wanted one thing. Sex. Which is fuckin fine. Like I don't care. Some were more honest than others. There is where the problem lies. I waited for so long for something that honestly, wasn't realistic. So I went for the next best thing and I got burnt. Hella.

Then something happened. Something that I never anticipated, never imagined, never thought possible. I found  myself between 2 brothers. Thing is, I am not going to lie, I like both of them. One for his intellect, the other for his looks. Which is kind of shady. I know. See that's the thing, I know. The thing is.. and this is the big thing... the one with the intellect, didn't want me, I mean he did, but he didn't. Its not like he didn't have a chance, he did, and I accepted everything about him. I never asked him to change. Then there's the brother, and while physically he is just mmm... I feel like I am in some type of time warp or some shit when I talk to him. I feel like I am talking to a high school kid at times, but then there are others where he is just so coherent and eloquent that I'm like ... are you just faking who you are?

The problem is. I hurt one of them. Unwillingly. Though I can sit here and argue that technically its his fault for not saying at any point that he had feeling, I am not. I should have never laid eyes on his brother. I should have never let my attraction for him be stronger than any morality I have left. I am not a bad woman. I am not a whore. Yes I like sex, after 7 years and then having it, yes I like it again. No, I don't believe in waiting for marriage. No, I don't believe in God. This doesn't make me bad or unworthy, does it? So, why do I feel as such? Why do I feel like I should be punished? Why do I feel like I am doing something wrong?

I had feelings for the first one, I did. Deep feelings. Feelings that he put to rest, he made me get rid of them with his coldness, with his refusal to accept he had feeling. For some time, I thought that the universe was bringing us together, it suddenly separated us, drastically. Beyond repair maybe. I don't know. I hope not.

Meanwhile, I am just riding thing damn wave. I don't know where it will take me. I don't know if at the end I will be worse off than I was 7 years ago when I wanted to just end it all. I don't know if I will make it through another heart break. I'm just letting it be. For once I will not think of anyone else but myself, because nobody ever seems to take me into consideration...

For once I will try to be happy...