Going away...

As I lay here... with fireworks in the background... an anxious dog in its crate gnawing away at the metal ... a sad kid in bed worrying about the dog ... a hurt in my kidney ... over all fatigue ...and memories of my broken heart... I just keep thinking about walking out the door.... leaving it all behind  ...

Selfish... yes. I haven't been that in a long time. Maybe even never. I just can't... I don't have it in me anymore. For what? For nothing... I feel like nothing. I am nothing. I don't make a difference in lives. I am not important. I dont want to be. The only thing I wish I could know before I leave ... is true love... but that's not for me.

So I will leave. Leave it all behind and walk away... not looking back... I am tired of feeling like I dont belong. There is no place for me in this world.. and probably even the universe. A little piece of me ... maybe the best of me will live on ... in the only good that has come from me.... my child....

Thoughts... just thoughts...

So, its really sad.. but lately I have had this urge to be gone.. disappear... leave without a trace. I dont know if its to be gone gone.... or just gone.

What's even more depressing .. is that people don't seemto understand that. People who are mostly responsible for me feeling this way have the audacity to make me feel like im crazy to want that.

People that have said things that broke my soul my heart and all of me. They think that by saying you shouldn't say those those things they will be out of my head. They think that by silencing my voice they silence my thoughts.

They don't. They make them worse. They make me want to just forget about everything and everyone. Even my daughter. I feel deep inside that she may be better off without me.  She would have a hefty insurance pay out and well ... although my mother never loved me ... she certainly adores her grandmother. Her father adores her as well. She won't miss me. Its not like we spwnd much time together.

I think, is it fair to her to watch her mother deteriorated. Watch her in pain most of the time. It kills me ... every time she asks me... are u feeling well today? Its like a stab to my heart. Sometimes I just suck it up and say yes babe... and then slowly play with her. Is that fair to her?

I dont think so.  Its not fair to her ... its not fair to me... and its not fair to anybody. Isn't love supposed to want the best for the one you love? Even if it doesn't include you. Well ... thats what I want, the best for her.  Unfortunately I am not it.  As hard and painful as it is.

I wish people would understand that. Its not an easy way out for me. Its hard to leave people you love. I am thinking of Denisse... that's why it'll be better for her... if I am gone. 

Its time to go...