Purpose?

Hello,

Its been a long while... hella long I know. Been busy with school, dating etc...
Yes.. I said dating!! .. I didn't think I would ever use that word to describe what I have been up to.. but well I have...

I am not going to get much into it, lets just say ... I got my groove back... for an instant. LOL

Anyway... lately... more than usual, I have been having this inner conflict. I for the first time in over 9 years do not have any type of inner peace. I have never, for as long as I can remember haven't had complete peace. I have had long periods of mild tranquility but never peace, but I haven;'t had my soul in such turmoil since I realized my marriage was over...

Anyway, back then I relied on alcohol, and other unhealthy behaviors. I don't want to do that again. I don't want to suffer, I don't want the hangovers, I don't want the stress. I just want to resolve this and find my eternity. Find what gives me peace inside. Something that does not depend on anyone. Something that I can turn to that will always be there.

The thing is. I don't have that and I don't believe in the conventional methods of finding that peace... like prayer, worship or whatever. I don't believe in God. I did at one point in my life, then I started questioning his existence and then just decided that maybe there is one, but I just dot have enough evidence to prove me otherwise. So for now I do not believe.

Someone told me I had to find my purpose. While at the moment that did sound weird. It is what has stirred me up internally. I do not have a purpose. At least I feel I don't. I have often wondered what it is. Is it to make my mother feel better about herself? ,, Is it purely to lead people, men especially, into a life of debauchery? ... I don't feel like I am here to help anyone. Rather I feel that my presence often causes this disruption in someones life. At least that's how I have been made to feel.

I have been borderline having a breakdown, I don't have peace. I don't have purpose. Where to find it? How to find it? where is it? Inner peace... will that bring me true love? Who knows... I am just .. here I guess...

Purpose?...