Sadness

There is sadness in my heart today...

Something is wrong..I cant explain it ...but I know something is wrong.

Its a different type of sadness...not the heartbroken sadness I have had in my heart for the past month...its something else.

Its a deep sadness...someone close is or will suffer..its runing through my veins, the sadness...

I wish I could know who it is that is feeling this way, so I can reach out and comfort them..tell them everything will be ok. Cry with them....show them that there is nothing wrong with being weak. Guide them.

I dont know who this or these people are..but they are very sad..sad enough that it has reached me.

I dont like it ..its is making me feel hopeless, more than usual.

It is a very dark sadness.

I hope it doesnt go on for a long time....

there is already enough sadness and emptiness in my heart....

....chelitta

FRIENDS

Well..

I got lonely one day...and well..I posted an ad on craiglist. YES!!! I know...I know I know.

I thought about it for a minute....I also joined okcupid..and got a hit but ever since the ad, I havent had much time to go back, plus well I havent got any notifications that I have mail.

Anyway back to my ad on craiglist...let me share it with you guys..it only has a couple more days before it expires..so if you didnt see it I am sorry ...

MY AD

Ok so now that you read my little testament. You can see what I am looking for correct? Yes a friend..thats it..no strings attached, no expectations, no sex, no love..NOTHING...but pure friendship...LOL.

Well needless to say...I got a few hits..well 23 to be exact..of which 11 have remained..and yes it is getting very hard to keep up with the emails. I think however, I am about to drop a few..just because I can smell their hidden agenda...meaning for some reason they think they can change my mind and get me in bed...oh little do they know who they are messing with...LOL

Now, you might ask why no pictures? Well because I dont want to know what they look like. Honestly whatever it doesnt matter to me...it is only friendship is that hard to understand? Well believe it or not for some of these peeps it is..some sent me their pics hopeing to get mine...didnt happen sorry...I make my rules..I choose how this game will be played.

I have a couple bilingual peeps ...very good...I like that...one SAYS..hes a doctor..if he is or not who knows, I dont care..I dont want his money...he can work at a mcdonalds for all I care, its nice being able to switch back and forth between languages though...thats definately is a plus...friendwise speaking of course...

OK! So I know I know...some of you my dear readers will ask the question..Friends Karla...really friends? Not love, not sex...but friends?

YES!!! I know hard to believe...but here is the thing...

I have officially given up on love...this time for real...I dont want to deal with it...i dont want to hurt more than I am now. I can't say anymore thats it doesnt exist...it does...and it is beautiful...and I bet it would be more beautiful if it were returned...but that is something I know I will never experience. Yes it does exist..ok ..fine..BUT it just wasnt made for me...thats all that there is to it. So why insist on something that will never happen..in the end, having hope only sets you up for heartbreak and being let down.

Also, I have always been of the thinking that people should start out as friends first...OK...granted the last romantic flop didnt happen like that..but I had no control what so ever on how that played out...seriously I am still dumb founded on why it happened the way it did..I cant find an explanation..but looking for one just depresses me more..so I rather not think about it ...it just happened and it obviously ended wrong..so lets not make that mistake again...

Friends..thats it...end of story.

So thus I am looking for a friend. Male...why male and not female..good question. I have always clicked more with guys than girls..I dont know why. I guess I can relate to guys more than I can to girls...LOL..who the hell knows...

So..we will see where this new adventure takes me..hopefully I wont end up on the news...murdered by a stalker..I know...we all have to be careful...but when its your day its your day and aint nothing gonna change that (in ghetto voice mmhmm)..teehee...

Well thats my little update....

...chelitta

Regrets?...

Well I havent been a woman of many regrets..actually I have none...I can say that honestly ...or do I?...let me explain...

Saturday was one of my friends party at a club ...ironically called WET. Now ever since she invited me, I knew this was something I did not want to go to. For a few reasons. One I have not been to a "club" in like 5 years, the last time was to celebrate my own 25th Bday, I have been to bars but a club not really, then because of my emotional distress I doubted to have any fun at all.

So I lingered about going or not, I made plans like I was, I requested the day off, I RSVP'D to it..just in case I changed my mind or something. Yet I wasnt excited about it. I mean I was excited for her but not for the party itself.

I waited till last minute to get an oufit..in fact I didnt have one until the day of... the thing..even then I was very hesitant, the thought of calling and saying sorry I cant go ...BUT I didn't. So I showered. did my hair and make up dressed up. slipped on my shoes and drove.

So I got there..felt totally out of place, too much maybe. Then out of the blue I was handed what I believe was a double shot of tequila. Cheers! and down it went...nice and smooth like only Patron knows how. Ok still felt out of place and the drinks just kept coming, suddenly my other coworkers showed up and I felt a little better. Ok...drinks kept coming...I lost count and I lost track of my liqours, meaning I was downing Grey Goose, Patron and ready for this Coronas, yes...BEER..everybody who freakin knows me knows I HATE beer...but by that time I think it all tasted the same....

Before the whole mixing of alcohols, I remember my coworker Jen, asked me if I was ready to dance, to which I responded I dont dance...uuuh ...hmmm...30 min later I was dancing...with a whole bunch of people...LOL...now...here comes the POSSIBLE regret factor part of night...

At some point, shit knows when...I started kissing a guy. I will not disclose names, as that has always been my protocol, lets just call him "the brother"...of who he was brother will also not be disclosed...I dont know how it started, why it started but it happend. Through out the whole nite as it was witnessed by many ..I was making out with the guy. Randomly...as in we would make out, each go dance with other people and then make out some more...etc etc..now when I say dance..I actually mean dry humping, men and women alike ...and by that I mean in a group...there was a lot woman on woman "dancing" going around, seductive, a lot of touching, slapping etc etc...some moments I remember, others not so much and a few not at all..and I prefer it this way..for the sake of my remaining sanity.

Now, this is the thing, a few weeks ago...I rejected another mans kisses...completely sober...having said this...the first time the brother and I kissed..I was still only half wasted and fully aware of my actions...whether or not he was..thats a whole different issue...yet let it be known if I believed in God I would be praying...that he wasnt and that he has no recollection of the events. Seriously....NOT because of him, but because of me...anyway moving on...Ok what was the difference between then and this time around...I have come to the conclusion that no, It was not the alcohol..it was something else...

Resentment? Hurt? Anger?

All of the above 

I have always thought that the above feelings are powerful motives, they drive people to say and do things that otherwise wouldnt do...So yes. I let go...completely...if it was for all the bad reasons I dont care. The fact is I did it, I now know I can do it....I just have to fill my heart with those ingredients...and look for someone like the brother, meaning one time type of situations, no strings attached, nothing to be expected..just in it for the fun.

Now...if  I liked the feeling, If I got over the hump, if I know what I need to do..

Do I regret doing it? or is the question Do I regret not enjoying the moment because despite of the anger, the hurt, and the resentment, there is still something more powerful than all three still in my heart? OR ..is just possible...that I can still say....

I have no regrets ....

.....chelitta

P.S: One thing must be clear..I DO NOT regret going, and am very very VERY appreciative of my friend inviting me and allowing me to celebrate with her and her friends, they were all very nice and made me feel welcome and part of the group. THANK YOU!

Mi Madre

Where to start ....

Well ok. Lets start by saying. I dont hate her. I love my mother. Just that I feel, that I dont love her like a daughter should love her mother, or maybe as much as a daughter should.

Sometimes I think that it works both ways, I think more so I know that she resents me. Even though I know it was not my fault that she had premarital sex, got pregnant, "had to" marry my father, and that I instead of a boy turned out to be a girl.

They didnt even have a name for me...they were expecting a boy, and my name would of course be that of my fathers. There was no doubting it, IF I was REALLY a NOCHEZ...I HAD to be a boy, otherwise I was someone elses child, because Nochez' men only had boys.

Yes, lets start from there. My mother, comes from humble if not poor upbringing. My father, not so much. Well educated, accepted in the UES, at a time when you really had to fight for a seat in that place. He never was good looking, especially then, I mean the whole hippie style did not suit him at all, and there was a BUT to him..he has a disability..he is a polio victim. I will talk more about my father on another entry. For now this is enough.

So there was my mother, a servant, pregnant with the child of someone, by societies standards, far above her. I understand, it wasnt easy, my grandmother wasnt easy. My understanding is she had to live with humiliations, day in and day out. That she was told so many times, while pregnant that she was not worthy of the Nochez name.

The year of my birth, 2 boys had been born before me. The first one, ironically enough, born from an affair but still accepted, of course he was a boy, the second in wedlock and I was to be a third...happiness...3 males in one year...*sigh* tsk tsk tsk ....

The day I was born, my father wasnt there...he dropped out of school, and well he worked for his father driving buses. He was on a run...My mother alone gave birth at 0440 the morning of Saturday, September 29th 1979...weighing in at 10 lbs ...ta'ra... GIRL. I think it took them all by surprise. I was white, very light brown hair and they say I had greyish greenish eyes, but we all do right? So there I was this chunk of a baby without a name, because I wasnt supposed to be a girl.

Finally, one of my uncles, which has since passed, said ..well shes the first girl, so she should be a Karla in honor of our dad, and Elizabeth because Bety is a variance of Elizabeth and that should be in honor of our mom. So there is the origin of my name. So finally I had a name.

I am told by other sources, whether reliable or not, i dont know, that my mother was given hell because I was a girl. My father left the country, came to the US. Leaving my mother behind in a house of wolves. I am told, that during the first months, sometimes she didnt have anything to feed me, and they would never lend a hand. I wasnt a Nochez...I didnt look Nochez. Eventually I am told with my "sweet" personality I won my grandparents over...but by then...my mother had already been through so much, and I believe I truly believe resentment was already in her heart.

Finally one day, we came here, joined my uncles and father. I can remember as early as 3. We lived in sunnyvale, in a house they all rented. My mother worked 2 jobs as did my father, and other uncles. I was taken care of this lovely portuguese family, the grandmother especially, whom I cant remember her name for the damn life of me, but my best friend at the time, which was her grandaughter I will always remember. Aurelia. She was my friend...I was 3 she was 8 or 9? LOL...age difference didnt matter..we had fun. At that time, I was fluent in portuguese or so I am told, I remember some of  this because the lady didnt speak english or spanish ...yet I had conversations with her and I remember understanding what she would say. Yet of that language I remember very very little.

I remember that during that time, my mother never laid a hand on me, until one day...I cant remember what the reason was...but my mother hit me, and from that day on she didnt stop. I remember running to Aurelia, and crying scared of going back, I remember endless times I begged the lady not to send me home, to stay for more time. I didnt want to go home.

Years passed and there wasnt a week that went by without receiving a beating, for the smallest things, for spilling my milk, for getting a B instead of an A, for wanting to go out, for talking during dinner, for not eating with my mouth closed, for saying no, for being to fat, for not eating, for not taking a shower on time, for coloring outside the lines, for not washing the dishes right for not folding my clothes right, for not finishing a book on time, for hating math, for wanting to go out and play, for not going to church, for not wanting to particpate in the fucking school pageant, for not walking like a lady, for being a tomboy...the list goes on and on and on...and along with the physical abuse came the emotional ones...her words are hurtful and still ring in my head...q desgracia de hija sos, you are too fat, you are ugly, you are a slut, you are stupid, you cant do anything right, you are brainless, a mouse has more brains that you, you should be happy that you got married...*sigh* and the list can go on and on and on....

I remember always wanting to please her, and the more I tried the more I got the opposite response, if I did something right, instead of praising me, she would say good, next time do better.

Oh yes...mi madre....

The sad thing is...what hurts me more now...is that she doesnt accept it. I have told her, and she says I am making it up, its all in my head...WTF!!! How can I make shit up when to this day, I am made fun of because of the beatings she would give me, by my cousins. It is a well known fact that she beat me. That I was terrified of her. That whenever we would do something that would remotely set her off, I would start crying and shaking...SHE IS THE DAMN REASON I CANT BE A NORMAL PERSON AND LIE! I cant lie...at ALL...not even the smallest white lie...I CANT ...it makes me nervous and when I do lie..I dont feel well and have to tell the truth...WHY? because everytime I would lie to her I would get a beating, even if I wasnt lying and she thought I was..she would beat me just to be sure I was telling the truth...I am made fun of at 30 because my mother beat me..my AUNT...at work says ..."ya le voy a decir a tu mama ois" WTF...and the sad thing ...I get nervous can you believe that shit...I am to this day afraid of my mother...

I remember during the beatings and after...wanting to die...asking her to kill me ...after the beatings I would look for ways to die...but something always stopped me....something I cant explain....something that still stops me ...I dont know what it is....

*sigh*

but even after all of that...she is my mother, she gave me life, and gave me everything that her economical possibilties could give me...but she never gave me what by human nature everyone seeks....

Affection.....

......chelitta

Sleep Forever

Please dont take it as a suicide note. I am not going to kill myself. I cant, I have either failed before or death just wont take me, and right now, I am even to tired to fight against that. I just want to vent thats it.

I AM TIRED!

Mentally, physically, emotionally. I am tired. I want to it just all to end. I just want to lay down one day and never wake up, ever. Yes, I know I am being selfish. I am not thinking about anyone else but myself...for the First time...ever...I dont care the hurt it will cause, I dont care...I wont be around to see it, so it doesnt matter. I dont care, anything, even hell with all of its levels has to be better than this, if there is a hell of course.

No, its not because of the recent events in my "love life". Its a combination of EVERYTHING. I have felt like this for quite some time now, maybe even before I got married, maybe as young as 10 ....I dont know, but I remember, being little and wanting to die, asking myself why I was alive, asking what I had done to deserve such a horrible life and family (I am working on a post that will better explain this). Now that I have more knowledge about life and all, I have come to a conclusion, that I must have been an evil person if not in one but in many previous lives. Thats the only reasoning I can come to, my soul is tired. It is tired of suffering and its paying some sort of debt.

But even if the above were true..how much more do I have to go through? How many more lives will I have to live? It doesnt matter...I want THIS ONE...to be over. So I can move on to the next and and the next and the next and however many more I have to live before my soul can finally be at peace.

*sigh*

I am tired. I have no more strength to go on in THIS life. My soul needs a vacation.

It just wants to sleep.....forever.

.....chelitta

Busco Caballero

Se busca caballero

No importa raza ni religion. Se busca caballero, con fuerza de voluntad, que quiera salir adelante. Que tenga amigos y vida propia, pero que sepa darme mi lugar.

Se busca caballero inteligente, que ocupe su materia gris mas que para ver television. Busco caballero, que hable ingles, por que hay momentos que solo en ingles me fluyen las ideas y al traducirlas pierdo la inspiracion.

Busco caballero, que no le tenga miedo al amor. Que dia a dia lo demuestre pero sin hacerlo demas. Se busca a alguien q me protega, que entre sus brazos me sienta segura, saber que puedo contar con el, que si me tropiezo el estara ahi para ayudar a levantarme; pero al mismo tiempo que no le de pena ni miedo pedirme ayuda, apoyo, que pueda derramar una lagrima frente a mi, y saber que para mi eso demuestra mas su hombria q una noche placer.

Busco un caballero, que me lleve de la mano, pero que sepa cuando quiero caminar sola. Busco un caballero al cual yo complemente su vida. Que no se aferre a mi, que tenga vida propia, q pueda tomar decisiones por si solo, pero sepa cuando hay q tomarse en pareja.

Busco a alguien, q no me regale flores, por q no me gustan, pero q me regale la dicha de poder sonreirle a el y a la vida.

Pero ante todo ...se busca caballero...q cuando vea a mi hija la vea como lo haria un padre, q la ame y la respete. Que ella pueda contar con el, q cuando no pueda estar su padre o yo ...este el. Que me ayude a dirigirla por el camino correcto, pero q entienda q hay situaciones en las cuales el no podra dar opiniones ni tomar las decisiones. Se busca a alguien, q con su amor y actitud se gane el carino de ella, pero entienda q su padre solo es uno.

Se busca caballero....if interested, apply within.

......chelitta 

LIES!

So I was NOT going to post this here...but I decided to ...just because I think ..its apropriate, who knows maybe it will help any other random soul that reads it.

For most of my adult life ...I try to stay away from one thing..LIES...I loathe them with a passion. I do not like to lie...I can't... usually I get caught when I do, they are very very bad Karma extremely bad...I know this as a fact....

Mind you, I have always been of the thinking that Omission of facts are not lies. Well, for the past 2 days I have been pondering this theory, and still find it true, but although they are not lies, they are still deceiving, especially if, even if its very very small, they leave a possibility.

I understand that in some circumstances, it may be of no one elses business but yours, but the instant it affects someone, the instant that it can make a difference for someone, its stops being yours and becomes part of theirs.

So..let me put it clear for you guys, so you dont think I am randomly speaking.

As you all know for that past lets say month and a half if not a little longer, I have been deeply in love with someone. NOW...if you have been reading and keeping up...you know that this person NEVER lied to me,  well, technically. From the beginning he said that all he wanted was a friendship and nothing more BUT ...he never gave a reason, and I never asked, I think that was MY mistake, and I will assume responsibility for it, YET there comes a point where whether if the question was asked or not becomes irrelevant, and doing what is right comes first.

So what is this that was withheld, which SHOULD have been said early on?...well lets just put it this way...what I feel for him...he feels for someone else.

Why would it have made a difference you guys ask. Well here is the thing. I am open minded, yes I think a good lay is always better, that open relationships are ok, since technically I am in one, but when it comes to love..there is a line will NEVER cross...I will never, ever come between a man in love and his woman, NEVER, I never have, and I NEVER will, it all goes back to the whole Karma thing. 

So, I said I never asked correct...well here goes a brief recap of a few times where this bit of information, could have been given, and spared me more than one night of heartache, and possibly could have helped everything go in the direction, he always wanted towards a friendship..

When, we first started getting to know eachother, when all I did was like him...before the like became into love,  I asked him, if he was in a relationship, his answer, I dont remember word for word, but it went something like, "I dont want you thinking I am a typical man ...but lets just say I am single." Granted at that time he had no obligation to say anything, but c'mon ...what does that answer leave you with... this was my interpretation of the above...I have my ladies..but nothing serious.

Then there was the time he found out about my feelings, now that conversation I dont remember, but wouldnt it have been apropriate to say listen, I am sorry if I mislead you in any way but the truth is, I am in love with someone else?...instead of I cant offer what you are looking for, lets just be friends...seriously ...another missed opportunity...

Then there was the time I when I emailed him... telling him I could not be his friend and that it was better if we no longer talked or be friends...his response...this is word for word translation people: "Have you ever asked, what is it he wants? What problems has he had in life? Does he want to love somebody in the next 10 years? Has he been hurt? Does he have a terminal illness and he doesnt propose a relationship in order to protect me? Is he financially unstable, and cant offer me a quality relationship? If I were to get with him will I live in a shack on the side of a beach and only have 2 pans like in the soap opera? Will I have all the financial comodities, yet will he give me a bad life like my current partner"....."Karla, you dont know what I keep here,  maybe I just want to protect you, unfortunately you dont appreciate that".

(Ok..let it be known I am not the type of person to go around telling others, especially the world what is said between two people...BUT I just want it to be clear what I HAD to work with..because sometimes the little details such as the above, are important to capture the story)

So having said this am I missing something from what he said that time. Wouldnt it have been better if he would have added, maybe after the whole 10 years sentence, does he love someone else? I mean c'mon ...seriously ...that could have been said, correct? If he would have said that...it probably would have prompted me to asking..Is there someone else? and all I would have needed was a yes or no ...and that would have sealed the deal...and we could have become friends....another missed opportunity.

Now for the last major time he could have said something ...The time I asked him if he was Gay. I will not talk about what happened that day, lets just say he was a tad bit upset at the question, yet he never said anything to the affect that he loved someone else...I mean..if you feel insulted, pissed off, whatever, the first thing that would occurr to me to say is...No I am not gay, I am in love with someone else and this is why I cant offer anything other than friendship....but no...he never said anything that resembled that.

So now you guys have an understanding, of why at this point and only at this point do I feel fucking pissed off rather than hurt.

He had the chance, he could have said, yet he didnt. YES he NEVER lied, he never offered anything else but that doesn't take away the fact that he could  have spared me endless days of crying myself to sleep, the endless times I let opportunities go by...No he never lied, but he never put a firm stop to anything. He could have said, listen bitch, I love someone else, get off my back, if you want we can be friends but my heart belongs to someone else. I would have appreciated that MORE than all the rest of the things he tried to do.

Yes it would have hurt...but it would have been once, and if he would have said it early ...it probably wouldnt have hurt at all...

Alas...I know one thing and one thing only ...I can be a heartless bitch if I want...but there is something even worse than that ...LIFE aka KARMA...and while he thinks he feels peace and while he feels that he never lied...he was misleading...which in turn has the same result...no I dont FEEL hurt because my love wasn't returned..I feel hurt because I WAS hurt, if he fails to see that..then maybe he isnt and wasnt the person I thought he was... 

I still dont hate him...it is not in my person to hate...I will not lie and say I have stopped loving him, because it is not in my person to lie about that...I wish him the best in this world..all I wish for is his hapiness and that is far beyond known...even at my lowest point that is all I wished for him, but because I know...that even if he wants to fool himself into thinking he did no wrong...he can not fool life...I wish I could take away the force in which the boomerang of his life will come back..but that is something I can not do...what I can do is keep wishing him the best...and that when it does come back to him, he finds the same, peace, strength and hapiness he has now...to overcome it.

I feel peace now...because all this time, I felt bad that it was all my fault that we couldnt be friends, that there was something wrong with ME....when in fact ...it was all HIM....ahh yes....the male ego....

.....chelitta

Deseos de cosas Imposibles

Igual que el mosquito mas tonto de la manada

yo sigo tu luz aunque me lleve a morir,

te sigo como le siguen los puntos finales

a todas las frases suicidas que buscan su fin.

Igual que el poeta que decide trabajar en un banco

sera posible que yo en el peor de los casos

le hiciera una llave de judo a mi pobre corazon

haciendo que firme llorando esta declaracion:

Me callo porque es mas comodo enganarse.

Me callo porque ha ganado la razon al corazon.

Pero pase lo que pase,

y aunque otro me acompane,

en silencio te querre tan solo a ti.

Igual que el mendigo cree que el cine es un escaparate,

igual que una flor resignada decora un despacho elegante,

prometo llamarle amor mio al primero que no me haga dano

y reir sera un lujo que olvide cuando te haya olvidado.

Pero igual que se espera como esperan el la Plaza de Mayo

procuro encender en secreto una vela, no sea que por si acaso

un golpe de suerte algun dia quiera que te vuelva a ver

reduciendo estas palabras a un trozo de papel.

Me callo porque es mas comodo enganarse.

Me callo porque ha ganado la razon al corazn.

Pero pase lo que pase,

y aunque otro me acompane,

en silencio te querre tan solo a ti,
Me callo porque es mas comodo enganarse.

Me callo porque ha ganado la razon al corazn.

Pero pase lo que pase,

y aunque otro me acompane,

en silencio te querre,

en silencio te amare,

en silencio pensare tan solo en ti

La Oreja de Van Gogh

...chelitta

Day 7

Seven days...seven days passed....only seven days....

It feels longer..I feel like you havent been here, in my life for years..yet it still hurts like it did that day.

I try..I still try...but I dont know what else to do...so I have decided...day seven ...will be the last day I write about this process...I think it doesnt help me ...I think it makes it worse.

So, since this will be the last time I write like this...I will do it as if I were writing you an email...letting you know how its been ....letting you know how much you hurt ...letting you know how much I love you. An email that will never be sent..because You cant and wont, and because I cant and wont either.....here goes...

Hello there...

Its been seven days...without reading you, without you in my life. Its been hard, because I miss you. I know, it has been like nothing to you..of course, you never felt the way I do for you. Day in and day out I have been pondering on one question, and one question only and the answer, I think I found it, in your last email.

You said you cant and wont..offer the love I am looking for...why? I never asked you...because honestly I didnt want to sound like an obssessed woman looking for reasons, although, to you that is what I am...even if to me, the fact that I stop myself from running back to you, the fact that I am letting you be happy..even if its without me in your life, the fact that I am letting you be.... proves different.

Why? Tell me, why? I need to hear it from you, although I think I already know...there is only one reason a man cant and wont offer something...I just wish you would have told me before. Although you never clearly said yes...you never said no either...I should have known...I should have realized then ....

All I want for is your hapiness..and you have left very clear that you are...that happiness is in your life. I just wish I can one day find, my happiness. That one day I can look back and laugh at this whole thing. Deep down inside, I want this not to be love...I want this to be something else...only time will tell if it is or not...but for now...all I know is that I love you...and I cant stop.

Besides your cants and wonts......knowing that I cant see you only as a friend, knowing the my I love you's bother you stop me...I dont want to be a bother to you...so that is why I cant come back to you. I cant be what you want me to be...I can only be what I am...which is a woman in love with you. I apologize for this. I apologize for coming into your life...If I could go back..I would have never done so, not because I regret meeting you, but to spare you from the inconvinience of knowing me

As I did last time..I wish you the very best in the world...hopefully life will continue to bless you with all that you have....and then some...be well my love....

Yours Always...Karla.

*sigh*

This is it...I am letting you go...I am shutting my door..I will leave it unlocked..even knowing that you will never be back....but it is there...in case you feel like walking through it...

Goodbye my love...be well...

....chelitta

Day 6

*sigh*

My day 6 (yesterday) was very emotional...too emotional....I am going to be 100% honest because that is all that it is about here...honesty....

I had a date..a lunch date...with my friend' friend, the one with whom I can barely have a conversation with because he speaks little english and even less spanish...and I speak NO portuguese what so ever...mmm..ok maybe a little bit ...tiny tiny bit...I speak more french than I do portuguese at that...our first date..alone...my friend had always been with us...but this time it was me and him...at his place....

We met I want to say mid January...I think I dont remember...we met at my friends engagement party...very nice man, mid 30's business man...divorced with a son I think hes 4. We hit it off really well, even if I only understand half of whatever it is he is saying...it nice that he really makes the effort to communicate with me though...anyway we talk on and off online...sometimes I am in the mood and have the patience to, sometimes I brush him off....he has been very persistent..I have been very clear...and he knows and realizes that I am not ready to have anything..with anybody while he is still in my heart....

Regardless...he invited me to lunch...at his place. I hesistated, at first I said no putting the I have to work excuse...I am tired excuse ...and the Im on a diet excuse. He said I will cook light, just have lunch and leave so you can rest. I just dont like to eat alone. OK I said just lunch nothing more...and this is what happend...

I left the house, for some reason I wasnt nervous I was very much at ease. I left the house thinking...ok ..."un clavo saca otro clavo" q no te importe lo que el te haya dicho...solo fueron palabras...aparte no le importa...hacele caso..find your way among lovers Karla...you can do this ...he is happy...you need to be happy...you need to move on...just like he took you out of his life without looking back...you do the same...

So I rang the doorbell, he opened the door...with a wine glass in his hand...is it too early for wine...in my head I was like this is soap opera type of shit...but I blew it off and said its never too early for wine...took the glass and had a sip. His house very neat, tidy, sophisticated...with that all to familiar brazilian smell...I dont know what it is ..but I like it....the smell that is...my friends house smells the same.

I made steak salad...of course you did...I said...you guys and meat ...you have something with meats ...lol...

Lunch was delicious, conversation iffy ...we kept laughing and laughing...because at some points we had no idea what the hell either of us was talking about....

At one point he looked at me...I looked away...your eyes are so sad..you smile yet your eyes say something different. I say..my eyes dont lie...I am sad...he told me to be strong he said...Karla, do you not see...any man who is around you, who gets to know you should fall for you, you are sweet, you are the smartest knowledgeable woman I have met...you are beautiful...you are light Karla, do you not see that?

No, I dont. I am not that ...I just play it off like I do...and he said we just had a 30 min conversation on world economics, all of it while both speaking different langauges. You rationalized what I said in less time that anyone I know, you have never studied economics yet you got what I was saying, you understood it,...thats makes me a nerd, someone who reads alot, who spends endless hours online reading, studying....it doesnt make me special..it just makes me a nerd. thats it.

He laughed, I laughed...I have to go I said...its getting late and I am tired...thank you for everything ...

I stood up...he stood up...oh shit..I said here we go...hes going to make a move....I saw it in his eyes..I felt it from him...he was going to try...let him in Karla, if not to love him, to help you forget...I told myself....

Thank you for coming ...enjoyed the company...I think he said ..I honestly dont know..at that point I wanted to get out of there...as soon as I could...I said thank you...grabbed my purse and ..when I turned around there he was...looking into my eyes...so close I could feel his breath...this is sooo soap opera I said to myself...my life has turned into a soap opera...great...only to me do these things happen...

Just as fast as I thought of that, you popped into my head...YOU...the happy one, the one that cant and wont, the one who is living his life the same as before I came into it...YOU were there...and then he said I am asking myself a question over and over, before I do what I want to do right now ...and I said..what?...he said in very clear spanish...Pedir permiso...o pedir perdon...my heart stopped...literally it stopped...I stopped breathing...my eyes filled with tears and I said in a broken voice...ninguno...and I broke away from his gaze and headed for the door...he stopped me...he held me ...I cried ...my face burried in his chest....I cried...hard...like a little girl who just got scolded...like someone who has lost everything and doesnt know what else to do...He said words that sounded so familiar to me...I understood them I knew what they meant....cry little one, let that hurt out...dont leave it in your heart, cry all you want I am here to soothe you....I can only explain the fact that I knew them..was probably because those were the words my babysitter used to say to me when I was a child...whenever my mother would scold me or hit me....I dont know...but I knew them...and they gave me comfort..

15 min later, with no energy, no tears, no breath left..he walked me to my car...gave me a hug...and I left....nothing happened...because my heart...cant and wont let go of you.....

.....chelitta

Day 5

Depression has finally started to set in...I think that I have internally accepted the fact that you are gone. Something inside clicked...finally. You and I will never be.

I dont know how I hold back the tears, sometimes I feel that I cant, but I have to.

Someone told me, you have to stop, you have to stop NOW ...this is too much...he probably doesnt even remember you, think of you...he is living his life the same way he did before you walked into it...you were nothing to him, your love was nothing to him. You made and left no impressions in his life....

Are they right? ...the truth is...deep down inside, I think they are. I believe they are...I am nothing to you..I was nothing to you...but alas...you never lied. I have to give you that...you never lied. You always told me ...it couldnt be...and thus it wont.

So while you continue to live your life, hapily, the same as you did before we met...I will pick up my pieces...grab the little flash light you left me with ...and continue my journey one breath, one step and one day at a time...

I cant and wont knock on your door again, I cant and wont be JUST your friend,....because I love you....

...chelitta

Day 4

Oh yes..day four ...decided to take a trip back in the past.

You see...I know for a fact that whatever it is that is happening in my life has to have a reason. My suffering that is, my love, my everything ...

Long time ago, 11 years to be exact, I unintentionally played with someones heart. I say unintentionally because at that time, I honestly didnt think he really loved me,

I had to make a choice, staye there and become a worse person or come here and do something...I chose to come here...of course...I wasnt going to stay alone....

So I packed my bags and I said goodbye...promised to be back...told him to wait...

He waited....I never returned...I called him...for a couple months after..then just stopped...met someone else...didnt even bother to break it up...

See...back then I hated men ...with all the sense of the word..I hated them..to me they were only good for one thing and one thing only...sex...after that...they were useless...to me a good lay was more important...so for one good lay another...I never thought he loved me...to me, in my mind I was a game to him as well...so I played it ...just as I thought he was playing it...and I broke his heart.

I really never thought about it like that...he kept asking about me, he kept telling my friends to tell me to call...I didnt..I wouldnt...so years passed and my life turned into what it is now...

So..one day ...a few weeks ago...he poked back into my mind....as if to say...look...you need to close this chapter so you can move on...so you can start a life with nothing weighing you down.

So finally..on my day 4..without you...to guide me into the future...I decided to go back to the past...and take it from there...

I was nervous...I think I had never been that nervous. I knew that he would be mad, that he had so much to say....he did ...and each time a hurtful word came out of his mouth..I would think of you...why?...because I hurt this man...and you hurt me...and I understood it then...I got it...this hurt was what I was paying ...this hurt...I had caused someone was the reason I was hurting ....I was paying my debt to life.

After 3 hours..it came down to ...I love you...I cant stop loving you because true love never dies. I can live life now though, because you have given me the opportunity to let you know how much you hurt...I am at peace because even though you and me can never be...you know now that I love you.

I thanked him...and apologized...and told him...well guess what..you and me are in the same boat...because I too love someone that can never be...and I too will live the rest of my life with someone in my heart who doesnt love me..who cant and will not love me...are you sure, that you love him, he asked..yes I am ...how? because I have accepted his departure from my life the same way you did..and you have. I can not hate him...and I know he is and will be better off without me in his life...because I never saw him eye to eye yet I love him and dream of him as if I did...because whenever I want to run back I have to read his letter...just to remind me of how happy he said he is...to remind me that he will never offer what I want..and knowing that..knowing he is happy ...is all I need to stop myself..because all I want is for him to be happy..whether I am there or not...even if it means..that for the rest of my life...I will ponder...on what could have been...

He said I surprised him...he said that he never thought he would hear me express myself like that..he said that Karla Nochez I know..would have never given up...wouldnt have taken no for an answer....I answered...the Karla Nochez you knew..didnt care for the other person...she got what she wanted..it was a game...the Karla you knew...hurt you...I am better than that now...

with that ended a conversation...ended a chapter..we have both gone our seperate ways now....he says he will forever love me...I know I will forever love you....

Day 4....I will not ..and can not go back to you....because you are happy, because there is no room for me or my love in your life....because you let me go...because you cant offer what I want...ever....

....chelitta

Day 3

Well my day 3..was an eye opener. Seriously...while thinking of you and what the hell I had done in my life to deserve such bad bad Karma...I realized that I had not closed all my doors from my past...and thus I made a decision to call someone...but thats technically my day 4 so I will talk about that tomorrow...

As for the rest of my day 3 ...well ..it was ok ..I kept busy ...and then made the huge error of signing on ...and of course..people started talking about the damn moon..and how beautiful it was...and of course I thought of you.

yes you still hurt, yes I still love you....and yes I still cant let go...but I know I have to ....and I will...let go that is...because stop loving you....I dont think I can ...because it is a given ..and a proven fact ...true love, never dies.

I hope you are well my love..

....chelitta