Nonsense ...

As I sit here...waiting for the Disney Parade... Watching my daughter sip her juice...her father just sitting there with nothing to say... I am unable to do anything else but think of how empty I am ... And feel.

It's been an interesting day. My daughter has enjoyed herself. She got on all the big kid rides so yes... She is growing fast.

I think...soon...she will be a tween/teen she will want nothing to do with me. So... I will be alone. .. and so

As I watch endless amount of couples... Holding hands, giving each other small kisses... exchanging sweet  looks of love. I want that. I wish I had that.

I want someone to want to hold my hand. I want someone to look at me with love and lust in their eyes. I want someone to talk endlessly about sweet nothings while waiting in line. I want him to lean forward and kiss me.  I want to feel happy, at the happiest place on earth. Not so miserable as I do now. 

I feel ugly. I feel unwanted. I feel useless. I see some people and while they may not have a pretty face they have a nice body...or vice versa... However, life chose not to give me anything. I am not pretty in the face, body or otherwise, I am not even smart. Men don't look at me and think "I want to date/be with her". They most likely think,  that I will eat their food too.

So... I sit here... Smiling to each passerby especially those cute in love couples holding hands... Even when I'm dying inside...wanting some of what they have ... Thinking nonsense....

What I need vs. What I want...*

I was told a few days ago that I needed to be touched. That it was a basic human need and that I was depriving myself from it. Well... I was thinking... of the things I need and my mind started imagining things... If I were to have someone ... and I had to explain what I needed. It would probably go something like this...

I need you to kiss me. Kiss me like you mean it, like you have one chance and one chance only. Don't be afraid, just kiss me, because I long to be kissed. I need to be kissed. I need you to undress me slowly. I don't like to be rushed. Undress me one item at a time. I want to feel your skin against mine. Let me undress you. I need to touch you, I need to learn what you feel like. I need to feel your mouth on my breasts. I need to feel your fingers inside me. I need to feel your manhood with my hands. I need to feel your soft tongue on my clit. I need you to make me feel alive. I need you to look me in the eyes when you think I have drifted, because I need to find my way back to you. I need you to make me feel comfortable. I need you to make me want you inside me, every single inch of you. Inside me. I need you to make me feel things I haven't before. I need to hear you say my name, at least once, so I know it's me you're thinking of, if only this once.

I need you to pull my hair, gently but with force. I need to feel you, all of you against me as you thrust. I need you to let me taste myself on you. I need you not to stop, even if I ask you to, because I really don't want you to, its my fear that does, its my insecurity, its my brain thinking about tomorrow, its my memories that want you to, I need you to help me conquer them, I need your touch to erase them. I need you to make me live the moment. I need you to make me orgasm.. and then after a while. I need you to do it again.

So after a while, of thinking of all these things I need. I started thinking of everything I wanted. Honestly, all I want is to have all of the above, with the right man, not just with any man, because I think, I couldn't have all I need with any man. Yes, any man can do all of that, maybe even more. It's that one man though, that will make me want all those things. Yes, I need them, I will not sit here and deny that I have deprived myself of it, it hasn't been on purpose. None of it. I want to want them. Right now, I don't. Yes, things excite me every now and then, but then my worst enemy (myself) quickly steps in and makes those desires go away. So while I need to feel, I also need to want...

Hopefully ... it happens...hopefully I can want what I need.

... chelitta

Uncertainty

As I sit here.. in the dark.. with only the light of a candle behind me, heavily medicated because of all the physical pain I have been having, the effects of the medication starting to show.. my emotional pain seems not to be relieved by such meds. 

It has been a hectic, emotionally charged past few days. My daughter leaving with her father on vacation, some "news" about some things in my life, a "business trip" accompanied by people I really don't like, and the emptiness I feel inside, the fact that in just a little over a month I will turn 35 and am nowhere near where I thought I would be neither physically, emotionally or financially. Too much for an already vulnerable heart. 

I sit here, in darkness, because that how I feel inside. Unlike right now, where I have the glare of the screen and the candle behind me, inside I have no such light. Nothing to show me the way, nothing to say, no matter what, there's always light. Nothing. The amount of sadness in me isn't normal, isn't right. During my trip, I sat in the lobby every night for a couple of hours. I like to people watch. One thing I noticed was the amount of couples around me. Either licitly or not, they were there, enjoying themselves, enjoying each others company, loving or lusting each other. I tried to remember the last time that I had that with someone. The last time I was 100% into that person, that I could be me, that I wanted to be with someone sexually. I could not remember. Maybe, it was with my ex-husband. Maybe. I actually doubt that. Maybe it was with Mateo. Maybe. Honestly, I can't say that I have ever been that with anyone. 

On another night I observed a family. Their interaction made me feel like I had missed something. The mother, very loving, the father even more. The way they engaged was amazing. So, I tried to remember if my mom or dad had ever been that with me, together, as one, not individually, but had I ever had a similar interaction with them. I don't know if I was too young to remember of if it never happened, but I couldn't recall ever having that. It was always my father showing me the love and my mother the cold one. If ever she showed some emotion it was quickly followed by something negative. I remember being blamed and made feel bad for the stupidest things. On one occasion, my mother had just painted her nails, but it was time for her to take me to some gymnastics class, I really didn't even want to go, but I went. Anyway, as she was dressing her polish got ruined because they weren't dry yet. I clearly remember her becoming very upset and blaming me for her ruined nails. I think back now and realize, it wasn't my fault. She knew she had to take me and yet she chose to do her nails knowing she probably wouldn't have time to let them dry. Yet, I felt bad and even cried, feeling guilty that I had upset her. 

On our last evening, I saw an older lady. She sat right in front of me and I saw my future. There was deep sadness in her eyes. She was alone. She wasn't even reading, texting or looking at her phone. She was just there. People would walk right by her and not even notice her. At first, I thought she was waiting for someone, then as the minutes went by realized she wasn't. So, I went up to her and said hello. She gave me this look of astonishment. Like she wasn't expecting for anyone to talk to her. I asked if she would mind if I sat next to her and she said no. We engaged in a nice conversation and thought, wow, this will be me. She had gone down to the lobby because she felt too alone in her room. The presence of other people, even when they did not acknowledge her made her feel less so. Again me. She had no family, her kids had grown and moved out, she was alone. At the end of our convo, as she excused herself she thanked me. 

The one difference, between her and I, she believed in people. She had not been hurt by life like I had. She welcomed people in her life. Something I do not do, I can not do. Even when I try, even when I try to not to let people get to me, they do. If the encounter would have been reversed, if she would have come to me, I probably would have excused myself. What was the difference? Either way she would have been pleasant to talk to. Why wouldn't I have let her "in"? 

So, as I sit her in the dark, I wish I could be someone else. The person that I am now just doesn't belong. Maybe she has never belonged. Isn't missed. Isn't loved. Isn't appreciated. The person I am now, breaths because she has to, not because she wants to. I am not happy. I am sad. I am alone. I am hurt beyond repair. 

Counsultation

Well, yesterday was my Bariatric consult and I am very pleased and somewhat happy. Prior to the appt. I was nervous as hell, shaking and everything. I didn't know what to do or think. Thankfully the MD put me as ease. Couple odd things I noticed  that were quite weird. There were fat fish in the waiting area, and the receptionist were on the chubby side as well. Other than that the whole atmosphere was very pleasant. The MD was very professional and listened to everything I had to say. He asked me and mentioned various times that this was a life changes surgery and if I wanted to really do I had to make an effort.

Of course I kept saying yes. I know that it may not be the smartest choice but I feel it's the only one I got. So the plan is, I have to make a GI appt with one of his associates and have 2 psychiatric consults, one now and one right before surgery. I also have to be on a diet for 6 months and log in all my intake as well as what type of exercise I did and for how long. Thats going to be tedious, but I guess I have to do it.

So that' s it for now. Will keep you guys updated.

... chelitta

Nervous...

On the eve of my bypass consult appointment, I find myself nervous and sad. Not excited. I didn't want to get to this point. I didn't want to have a surgery and to be honest I don't know if  I want to. I also don't want  to be fat. I know that I have tried everything in my power to fix it and it hasn't worked. I am sad because I feel I am letting myself down and disappointing some people. I know that this is for the best and  that I will most likely benefit from it greatly, despite all the restrictions I will have.

The thing is, I don't know if I am thinking this for the right reasons. While I have a a huge list of health issues, most related to my weight, its not why I want to be thin. I want to be thin so I don't look  ugly, at least not as much as I do now. I don't want it to be healthy, I want it to look good. Is the risk worth it?

I feel like a total shallow person saying that. This world is made up of shallowness. Even if we want to deny it, or we try to tell ourselves that looks don't matter, they do. Maybe not to some of us, but to the vast majority they do. It is sad how we have allowed ourselves to be told what beauty is or what it should be. So as I sit here and type... millions of thoughts cross my mind. I don't want to appear to be taking  the easy way. I don't want to feel like I let society define how I should look in order to feel pretty.

I wonder, if I were to meet someone after my weight loss, will he have liked me fat? If not, do I want to be with someone like that? Inside I will be the same person, and isn't that what a relationship should be based on, compatibility? So why wouldn't he had looked at me with some extra pounds on me. What'll happen when I get older and wrinkles start showing? If my PCOS get worse and I go bald and have to wear wigs? Will he leave me? Do I want  to be in a relationship where I feel like I always have to look good or he will leave me? No, I don't. I also don't want to be in a relationship thinking that he will leave me because I am fat. I wish I could embrace myself. I can't. I wish I would have met someone prior to me going through all this, someone that would tell me that they love me no matter what, fat, skinny, bald and crazy. It didn't happen.

So here I am, thinking and thinking and driving myself crazy. Hoping for a last minute sign from the universe...

... chelitta

Wishes...

I wish I were pretty. Before I go into it further... let me define what pretty is for me. Pretty is someone that when you look at them you think, oh she is pretty. No necessarily drop dead gorgeous but not "oh damn she ugly" either. Someone that when a man sees her he doesn't immediately dismiss her, but isn't thinking "i could do her". Pretty is someone a man sees and wants to get to know more. Someone who doesn't have to make an effort to look good, that can wear anything and it looks right. Someone whose hair isn't always perfect but isn't always looking like you just got out of bed either. Pretty is someone that when she meets a man she doesn't immediately think she is not his type because of how she looks. Someone that feel confident to smile and look at a mans eyes. You guys get the picture. I hope.

I used to be or at least feel pretty. Years ago. I was much thinner and I didn't look like what I do now. Old and worn. I used to have guys attention and wasn't shy around them. No, I wasn't beautiful, but I was pretty. I wish I were that again. I wish I could at least feel half of how I used to feel when I was younger. I cant. I look at myself if the mirror and all I see is fat. I see a stomach that looks like I am about to give birth that dangles like an apron. I see wobbly arms that are even bigger than my daughters legs. I see a double chin that can be actually 3 chins. I see a smile with crooked teeth and a huge gap in between. I see thinning hair, I see skin discolorations, thanks to hormonal imbalances caused by PCOS, that look like I haven't showered. I see a nose that is covered by cheeks and eyes that look Asian because of them. I see legs that are full of cellulite and don't go with my body. I see a chest that is flat. In short: I see ugly.

People are quick to say, "you have to love yourself", look at all the good that you have. Well, based on the above, do any of you think I see any "good". No I don't. The worst, my personality doesn't even help. I have become this bitter person that avoids people. I smile because I have to not because I want to. I frequently push people away because I do not trust them. If a man does ever approach me I ask myself his true intentions.

I wish I were pretty. I wish that when I see someone I like I wouldn't think that he is unreachable. I wish I could think that maybe I do have a chance. I wish I wouldn't fear rejection. I wish I didn't have to like someone in secret and just be able to show it or say it or even flirt. I remember when I could do that. I remember when men weren't so interested on how a woman looks. I wish I would find a man that says that he doesn't care and actually mean it. Often men say that. When they meet you they don't want to appear shallow and they say something like "looks don't matter". Yet, as time goes  by you notice that they do. They are attracted to beautiful women, and they make weird comments about other women not so nice looking.

I just wish... I could find someone that can look beyond all that. That can make me feel pretty. That takes me by the hand and isn't afraid of what people are going to say. Sometimes, when I am with someone in public, man or woman, I feel like they are embarrassed or ashamed to be seen with me, more if they are male. Deep inside my fear is that one day my own daughter will be ashamed to be seen with me, not because of normal teen things, but because I am fat and ugly.

Maybe, someday... my wishes come true. Until then, I just have to keep on going, guarding my heart, avoid feeling, and smile... because I have to.

...chelitta

Serious Decision...

So, as many of you know, I have been dealing with my weight and my PCOS forever. I have been on almost every diet there's been, and tried everything under the sun. It works, for like 1-2 months and then my weight seems to go back up, or I lose motivation, or my own body prevents me from going on.

For example, my latest try, around this time last year, was going phenomenal... I was losing weight getting toned and even liking the healthy eating. Unfortunately, I started having heart issues, then school wore me out and I just stopped completely. I kept with the healthy eating but guess what?... I gained every single ounce back .. plus some. Needless to say I am so disappointed I just gave up. So I consulted with my MD and she said that I may actually qualify for weight loss surgery. I have been referred to a specialist and my appointment is on Friday.

I am nervous and hesitant. I understand that this is a high risk surgery and that I will have to change my eating habits even more. I was looking on their website and find that I probably have some time before the surgery actually does happen, as there are so many "pre-reqs" I have to meet before anything happens. I have to have at least 6 months of documented weight loss attempts.. which unfortunately I don't. All this for insurance purposes. I know I will definitely qualify because of my health history but insurance companies nowadays think we find the easy way out.

I used to think that people that had the surgery were taking the easy way. Truth is, its not easy at all. Like I said, I have done and tried everything. I need help. Its not just "controlling" myself. Its more, my body works against itself. People need to understand that. I wish there was more awareness about PCOS. Maybe more people would understand that maybe the woman walking down the street, is trying the best she can, she is starving herself, and yet it seems that even drinking water makes her gain weight. That's me. That's my story.

I am hesitant still. Since I have to have documented proof, I will start on August 1st again. Hopefully this time my body cooperates. Maybe I will take it even more easy and won't do too much too soon. Hopefully I don't lose motivation this time. I really don't want to have the surgery, but I am tired of being fat. I can not embrace a body I do not like. There is nothing to like about it. Deep inside I feel this isn't my body.

Blogging my progress will help me keep track of what I am eating. I will post weekly, pix and weight and maybe measurements. Daily I will post my intake and whatever I did to work out and how I feel. Hopefully this will inspire some and you will join me in my struggles. Especially women battling PCOS.

So.. See you guys on August 1st!!!

...chelitta

Going away...

As I lay here... with fireworks in the background... an anxious dog in its crate gnawing away at the metal ... a sad kid in bed worrying about the dog ... a hurt in my kidney ... over all fatigue ...and memories of my broken heart... I just keep thinking about walking out the door.... leaving it all behind  ...

Selfish... yes. I haven't been that in a long time. Maybe even never. I just can't... I don't have it in me anymore. For what? For nothing... I feel like nothing. I am nothing. I don't make a difference in lives. I am not important. I dont want to be. The only thing I wish I could know before I leave ... is true love... but that's not for me.

So I will leave. Leave it all behind and walk away... not looking back... I am tired of feeling like I dont belong. There is no place for me in this world.. and probably even the universe. A little piece of me ... maybe the best of me will live on ... in the only good that has come from me.... my child....

Thoughts... just thoughts...

So, its really sad.. but lately I have had this urge to be gone.. disappear... leave without a trace. I dont know if its to be gone gone.... or just gone.

What's even more depressing .. is that people don't seemto understand that. People who are mostly responsible for me feeling this way have the audacity to make me feel like im crazy to want that.

People that have said things that broke my soul my heart and all of me. They think that by saying you shouldn't say those those things they will be out of my head. They think that by silencing my voice they silence my thoughts.

They don't. They make them worse. They make me want to just forget about everything and everyone. Even my daughter. I feel deep inside that she may be better off without me.  She would have a hefty insurance pay out and well ... although my mother never loved me ... she certainly adores her grandmother. Her father adores her as well. She won't miss me. Its not like we spwnd much time together.

I think, is it fair to her to watch her mother deteriorated. Watch her in pain most of the time. It kills me ... every time she asks me... are u feeling well today? Its like a stab to my heart. Sometimes I just suck it up and say yes babe... and then slowly play with her. Is that fair to her?

I dont think so.  Its not fair to her ... its not fair to me... and its not fair to anybody. Isn't love supposed to want the best for the one you love? Even if it doesn't include you. Well ... thats what I want, the best for her.  Unfortunately I am not it.  As hard and painful as it is.

I wish people would understand that. Its not an easy way out for me. Its hard to leave people you love. I am thinking of Denisse... that's why it'll be better for her... if I am gone. 

Its time to go...