Going Crazy?

*SIGH*

I didn't even know what to name this post...first I wanted to name it Alone...but I finally decided to give it the name I did...

Reason being, that I think I am going crazy and my loneliness may be the reason, or not.

As you all may know..for the past year I have been dealing with a "major" health issue and I think its finally taking its toll on my whole body.

Either that or being alone is playing games with my head...

I have had a couple of days where I see, hear and even feel things...and I don't like it...its kind of like if I were in a dream ...but I'm awake...and I have had such experiences before but usually I am in that middle point of sleeping and being awake...not walking around and feeling like there is a portal open and I'm in both places at the same time...

I don't even know if I make sense...I don't even know if they are hallucinations being caused by my severe anemia or if they are delusions because I am crazy..or I dont even know if my medications are causing it, that is one of the side effects...

The thing is ...its not only my brain..its my uterus, my stomach my back everything is hurting, everything I feel is working against me, and I just feel tired all the time.

The worse of all is that I have no one to turn to, no one to say ...just hold me, just be with me...tell me you love me despite everything...and then comes my question...am I just lonely? and all this is just a product of my brain being sad?...The mind is a powerful thing as we all know so..it is a great possibility.

I don't know...all I know is that nothing good can come of this..I'm doing thing I would not normally do, saying things I would not normally say ...and feeling things I know I shouldn't feel...and its scary.

and I don't like to be scared...

....chelitta

My Stalker

I have a stalker...well sort of ...

For a little over a year..I have a kind of recurrent dream ...I say kind of because its  not the same dream each time,  but it does involve the same person and the same "situation".

I am walking, either in a mall, on the street, at a park or whatever ...and I'm being followed, by a man, which despite the numerous times I have had the "dream" I have never seen his face...until last night...well kind of...

In my dream when I feel him following me I turn around, and suddenly he disappears...funny cuz I have another recurrent dream where he appears but he is not following me...we are both in a conference room..I am at the head of the table and he is at the other end...regardless I still cant see his face...but I know it's him...

Last night...it was different and I don't know why..I was walking...it was like in a building, like office buildings...I felt him following...I turned around and there he was, I started walking towards him ...but instead of disappearing, he turned around and started walking...I was now the one following him..for some reason I felt a great sadness seeing him walk away from me...I shouted ...WAIT!! ...please stop...and surprisingly he stopped...I couldn't believe it ...I was thinking I was finally going to see his face...to know who it was that has been following me for the past year and a half....and then ...I caught up to him...and I don't know what the universe is trying to tell me ...but he turned around and instead of seeing his face ...his eyes locked with mine ...and I was like sucked in to this "trance" type thing...and all I could manage to say ...was "don't leave me"...and then ...he took my hands...and as I started to look down ...he kissed me ...

I don't know if that was supposed to happen ...if we broke the rules...but as soon as he kissed me ...I woke up ...

I never saw his face, I only saw his eyes...and felt his hands and his kiss...and I remember tears rolling down my face...I don't know what will happen if I ever "see" him again...I don't know why he waited this long to make "contact"...I don't know if he was even supposed to...

Honestly...I don't even know if the dream is a dream ....

I have a stalker ...I don't fear him ...I feel he is not there to harm me ...I still don't know his purpose..if in fact he has one...or maybe ...just maybe ...it is ...just a dream ...

...chelitta

Go Back?

Lately ...I have read and heard of many people saying that they wish they could go back in time...and while I have never wished to go back and change something...It got me thinking...

Its not that I don't wish that some things wouldn't have happened or that others had...its just that whatever happened to me, whether good, bad, hurtful, etc is what has made me into the person I am ...today...and even though I may not be the most normal person in the world...I sure as hell am very proud of myself...

But still...if I were to choose ONE thing ...I don't know what it would be..and then I think ...what in all my life have I lived that I haven't learned something from ..as painful as it may have been..i learned and I grew from it ...except...

That lately ...I wish ...that ...

*sigh* ...

Never mind...I'm sorry ...I am leaving this post unfinished...because what I want to say shouldn't be said...people come in our lives for a reason...its just that sometimes we don't know that reason...

...chelitta

"Closure"

For those of you that have been following me on twitter ...you guys have noticed that for the past 2 weeks or so ...I have been talking about getting "closure" ...some of you well maybe 2 of you know what the hell I'm talking about, others...are left confused and some don't even care.

Well, for those who have followed this blog since the beginnings well ...may also know...

Theres this "thing" that happened like a year ago...a little over...I guess...well no it didn't happen...anyway the thing is ..you know when you kind of start a new chapter without completely finishing the previous one...cuz you think its not necessary and then in the middle of the next chapter you're like...fuck I should have finished that chapter ...but you're already too far along the next chapter that you think its not worth it...but you still have that bothering you and its like you keep wanting to move forward but you feel that chip on your shoulders...

Well ...

That kinda explains what I feel ...see ...when it happened I closed up and didn't want to talk about it..in time the person and I talked again and this person would sometimes bring the subject up subtle ..but I would quickly ask to change the subject ..it was uncomfortable for me to talk to him about it..I dunno...I just didn't want to fight or open a chapter that I thought had been closed...eventually I had to go to therapy, for more reasons than one and even my therapist, as you guys recall...told me to get my closure, that as much as I tried to move on if I didn't close the chapter completely then I would always feel like I had something to say and didn't...well...she was right...

Over a year later here I am ...wanting my closure. Sometimes I wonder if when he tried to talk about it, it was his attempt of getting his closure, or if he in some way knew I needed mine even though I thought I didn't...either way I wasn't ready ...and now it may be too late...

I have typed up and email...and its in my drafts and has been sitting there for the past 3 weeks...ready to be sent ...but when it comes to it...I can't...I don't want to change anything it says because its what I felt...and what I feel...but it may be misinterpreted...as me being angry still or even hurt, and even though I openly admit that yeah sometimes it does still hurt...it way better than it was before...so that's why I wonder if its even worth it...

There is nothing to lose...I mean at least I don't think there is ...I just need to feel that there wasn't anything left to be said...and as long as I feel I held back a few things I will never get that sense of closure...and it may have not meant anything to the other person...ultimately its not about him...its about me...

but for some reason...I can't

*sigh*

...chelitta

Opinion

So ...I have something  to say...and for some it may be "anti-American" what ever the hell that means now a days...

Its regarding ...the death of well..we all know who...by now and if u don't well maybe u live under a rock...Osama Bin Laden.

I am not happy, nor do I feel relieved that he is dead, nor do I feel a great satisfaction, and honestly if any one had any type of sense...they shouldn't, I do not agree with what the man did, he hurt many many people...and yes they all deserved justice and they all deserved peace, but in all honesty this will not bring a person back nor will it make the world a better place, in fact ...everyone is on maximum alert and waiting for retaliation...which is expected.

I don't believe in God, so I am not going to say that there is only one person who has the right to provide justice by killing, but that certainly brings me to my next question...I wonder how many anti-abortion people celebrated his death...which would be very hypocritical, I mean killing is killing, period. Whether its an unborn baby, or an old man ...if you are going to call a woman a killer for "killing" an unborn child, then the person or people who killed the man are killers as well...I wonder how many Christians "celebrated" his death, people who day in and day out preach peace and that do believe in the justice of God...any way...that doesn't matter...that's not even my point at this time...

My point is ...well...how can people "celebrate" the death of ONE man...when here in the United States of America....kids are being bullied in schools to the point of killing themselves under the pressure, women are being emotionally and physically abused every day by their abusive spouses or significant others,  immigrants are being attacked because of the bigot thinking of some,  children are going to bed hungry because there wasn't enough to eat...did the death of this man, who yes, I agree caused terror, solve any of the problems that the people in the U.S live every single day of their lives? Women who have to look over their shoulder afraid that their abusive lover is coming after her...will that put some more food on that child's plate? Will that stop "Joey" from tantalizing "Harry" in school...etc...I honestly don't think so.

That's why when I heard of the mans death, my words were..."oh well". Yes I was curious, yes I watched CNN and watched the President announce his death, awesome speech btw, but well everyone knew that one day it was going happen, the man was going to be caught either dead or alive that was a given.

The man is dead and hopefully  the victims of that tragic day got some peace. although I know that memories as tragic as those can not be erased by time ..hopefully they feel that at least some justice is served, because every one else, seems to think that they should or they do for them...and If they don't...then who are we to say that they are ungrateful... 

well that is my opinion...I wonder if any one ever comes across this blog and reads this thinks I should die along with the man...or what not...

...chelitta

Easter 2011

Well Hello there everyone...

Well I did the whole easter thing this year :) ...it was an ok experience...the thing is...I was a little tired and out of it but ...the fact that Denisse had fun was all worth it...I will share some pictures with you guys :).

Denisse and her Father.

Denisse and I

Denisse finding her eggs :)

Her bucket was almost full.

She is just to cute:)

Running towards her dad looking for more eggs, while she was looking for eggs he would be hiding the rest.

On the play ground.

Denisse giving me a flower...:)

Well thats a bried recap of our Easter. I was going to make a dinner, but Denisse really wasnt feeling well and I wasn't either so I opted for chinese take out...LOL..

Well thank for reading ...

....chelitta

 



Brave

My daughter, may not grow up to be the  most beautiful woman in the world, though to me she already is, or the smartest for that matter, but one thing she has proved to be since the day she came out from my now dying womb is that she is BRAVE, in big capital letters.

Today, was her kindergarten physical. I was dreading the day because I expected the worse, I knew she was going to have shots. I thought it would be a complete disaster, looking back I dont know why I expected that...she has always been good at the Doctors, only once did she cry when in the emergency room, but I blame that on the stupid damn nurse that scared the hell out of her. She had shots before, she would cry the normal, and even just whimper but never made a fuss, she would calm down even before we were out of the exam room. I guess I figured that she was older now and she would know pain and fear more. I was so wrong...

As we waited our turn in the immunization clinic we would hear all the kids cry, shout and what not, I could see my daughter get worried, but she continued playing. At one point she came to me and held my hand. I said ...dont worry mama...remember...its going to hurt, but only for a little while, but I will be there and its ok to cry..be strong it will be fast ok...I never lied to her, its the worse you can do to a child, tell him/her that its not going to hurt when you know that it will....

Our turn came up...the nurse preped her and made me hold her like I was holding a psycotic child that would suddenly go crazy...she put the PPD in ...nothing...then came the shots...the first one...still nothing...not even a flinch...the second one...nothing...the nurse thought that maybe she had fainted because she didnt move...my daughter was fine... I could not believe it. She took a deep breath and asked ...can I have a sticker?..a sticker...

On the drive back ..I thought to myself...maybe I am doing something right after all ...all I want for my daughter if for her to be strong...not only physically but emotionally ...she has proved that to me so many times...and sometimes I feel ashamed because I feel that at times she may even be stronger than I am...I cry because a squirrel farts the wrong way...and she didnt cry today...

I dont know what my daughter will end up being the universe, I have been told she will be great, I have been told that she will go far...I honestly dont know...and I dont care...because I know that whatever she is or does...she will have something that many of us wished we had a little more of....bravery ...

....chelitta

First time for everything...

I don't know what to do!

For the first time in my life...I have no idea what to do.

There is just so much at stake. I have tried to disconnect myself from everything and I still cant figure out what to do.

I wish...that someone or something would enlighten my road right now...I have asked the universe for signs, messages anything that would help me...and all I get is either weird things happening or silence.

The road where I was left has run out...and I am standing at the end of it...holding my daughters hand...looking at her, and trying to think of what to do...and she is still to little to say ..mami ..lets go this way...instead..she is looking at me ...like..I'm ready to go and do whatever you want.

I look back and see the road that i have traveled and it is a long treacherous one. It caused me much pain, much much more than happiness, I look back and see how many people I have left behind...and  how many are still standing next to me, to support me, to be there...and follow me no matter what direction I choose to take...

The problem is....

I don't know...and Its killing me inside, because, time, money, health and possibly even love are all at stake...I have everything to lose...but at the same time I have everything to gain...its easier when you have nothing to lose ..

So for the past 3 days ...I have woken up, taken a shower, gone to work, come home, made dinner, and gone to bed...all in that order...trying to make sense of why me...out of all the people in the world ..why am I the one stuck being "Murphy's Law". WHY? Is this a test? To see how strong I can be? To check if I am ready for evolution? I think I have been through so many things I have proved myself one too many times...

My heart, my body, my soul, and even worse, my brain...cant take this anymore...I wish...someone, something, anything at this point would point me in the direction I should go..just point...I will make my road, I will do the shoveling and paving...but I just need to know where to go...I don't have much more time...but most importantly... my daughter is waiting....

...chelitta

A life for a life?

I have a daughter. She is four years old and she is the love of my life. I start this post with that because what I am about to write may come off  to some as me being a selfish human being that has no regards to the great blessing that life and the universe has given me.

I am an only child. The closest thing I have to a brother or a sister is a cousin which I see and love as though we were sisters, even then it is not the same. She can not understand what it feels to not have anyone, she will always have someone to lean back on, when her parents part from this world, she will have someone there, to share the memories, of when mom and dad were around. I will never have that. I am and will always be alone.

I look back, and remember the lonely nights I would either play alone, or simply read because I had no one to play with or do anything with. The times I wanted to go play outside but couldn't, there was no one to play with.

I always promised myself to have more than one child. Unfortunately, even that was taken from me. My child, as most people know is a product, of hormone pills, timed sex, predetermined positioning and as stupid as it may sound...she is a product of a wish that was made to a shooting star. Even then, I made it a purpose to have another one, even if that meant going through everything I went through again.

Yet again, life has other plans...plans that I can not accept. My daughter deserves the best, she deserves happiness, love and she deserves to have someone that will always be there, that she can trust in. She doesn't deserve to grow up and have no one to share her special moments with, someone she can call and say hey remember when mom and us used to ...

So here I am...stuck..trying to choose for her...trying to think what she would really want versus what she needs right now...either way...in the end...the one that will end up losing will be me...I will either lose my life...or lose my dreams...which ironically go hand in hand...there are no dreams w/o life...and people can not live w/o hopes and dreams....

...chelitta

I don't remember

I don't remember what it is to not worry about making ends meet, to wake up and know that everything is paid for and that there is still money left over for whatever...

I don't remember what it feels like to have the warm ocean water touch your feet...to be able to jump in the ocean and not feel cold.

I dont remember what it feels to go on a date..with someone you like or love...that excitement that you get, that need to look extra special...I don't remember.

I don't remember what a green mango tastes like, that soury taste that makes your mouth water just thinking about it.

I dont remember what it feels to kiss someone, gently, slowly, softly ...that warmth it gives you inside when you kiss someone you love....

I don't remember how to smile, not because you have to ..but because you want to, that smile that just appears on your face because you are happy...

I dont remember what it is to be touched...touched in a way that all you want to do is hold that person close, and feel their body against yours...

I dont remember what it is to feel secure, to turn to someone and know that no matter what.. everything will be ok...

I dont remember what is to hear an I love you ...from the man you love...the smile it puts on your face the peace it gives you ...I dont remember...

There are a lot of things I dont remember...but there is one that I wish I could....

I don't remember what it is not to be afraid...that feeling of knowing that you can do and get whatever you want because there is nothing to stop you, that confidence in yourself not being afraid gives...I dont know where or why I lost my courage...but I want it back...

....chelitta