"Closure"

For those of you that have been following me on twitter ...you guys have noticed that for the past 2 weeks or so ...I have been talking about getting "closure" ...some of you well maybe 2 of you know what the hell I'm talking about, others...are left confused and some don't even care.

Well, for those who have followed this blog since the beginnings well ...may also know...

Theres this "thing" that happened like a year ago...a little over...I guess...well no it didn't happen...anyway the thing is ..you know when you kind of start a new chapter without completely finishing the previous one...cuz you think its not necessary and then in the middle of the next chapter you're like...fuck I should have finished that chapter ...but you're already too far along the next chapter that you think its not worth it...but you still have that bothering you and its like you keep wanting to move forward but you feel that chip on your shoulders...

Well ...

That kinda explains what I feel ...see ...when it happened I closed up and didn't want to talk about it..in time the person and I talked again and this person would sometimes bring the subject up subtle ..but I would quickly ask to change the subject ..it was uncomfortable for me to talk to him about it..I dunno...I just didn't want to fight or open a chapter that I thought had been closed...eventually I had to go to therapy, for more reasons than one and even my therapist, as you guys recall...told me to get my closure, that as much as I tried to move on if I didn't close the chapter completely then I would always feel like I had something to say and didn't...well...she was right...

Over a year later here I am ...wanting my closure. Sometimes I wonder if when he tried to talk about it, it was his attempt of getting his closure, or if he in some way knew I needed mine even though I thought I didn't...either way I wasn't ready ...and now it may be too late...

I have typed up and email...and its in my drafts and has been sitting there for the past 3 weeks...ready to be sent ...but when it comes to it...I can't...I don't want to change anything it says because its what I felt...and what I feel...but it may be misinterpreted...as me being angry still or even hurt, and even though I openly admit that yeah sometimes it does still hurt...it way better than it was before...so that's why I wonder if its even worth it...

There is nothing to lose...I mean at least I don't think there is ...I just need to feel that there wasn't anything left to be said...and as long as I feel I held back a few things I will never get that sense of closure...and it may have not meant anything to the other person...ultimately its not about him...its about me...

but for some reason...I can't

*sigh*

...chelitta