Brave

My daughter, may not grow up to be the  most beautiful woman in the world, though to me she already is, or the smartest for that matter, but one thing she has proved to be since the day she came out from my now dying womb is that she is BRAVE, in big capital letters.

Today, was her kindergarten physical. I was dreading the day because I expected the worse, I knew she was going to have shots. I thought it would be a complete disaster, looking back I dont know why I expected that...she has always been good at the Doctors, only once did she cry when in the emergency room, but I blame that on the stupid damn nurse that scared the hell out of her. She had shots before, she would cry the normal, and even just whimper but never made a fuss, she would calm down even before we were out of the exam room. I guess I figured that she was older now and she would know pain and fear more. I was so wrong...

As we waited our turn in the immunization clinic we would hear all the kids cry, shout and what not, I could see my daughter get worried, but she continued playing. At one point she came to me and held my hand. I said ...dont worry mama...remember...its going to hurt, but only for a little while, but I will be there and its ok to cry..be strong it will be fast ok...I never lied to her, its the worse you can do to a child, tell him/her that its not going to hurt when you know that it will....

Our turn came up...the nurse preped her and made me hold her like I was holding a psycotic child that would suddenly go crazy...she put the PPD in ...nothing...then came the shots...the first one...still nothing...not even a flinch...the second one...nothing...the nurse thought that maybe she had fainted because she didnt move...my daughter was fine... I could not believe it. She took a deep breath and asked ...can I have a sticker?..a sticker...

On the drive back ..I thought to myself...maybe I am doing something right after all ...all I want for my daughter if for her to be strong...not only physically but emotionally ...she has proved that to me so many times...and sometimes I feel ashamed because I feel that at times she may even be stronger than I am...I cry because a squirrel farts the wrong way...and she didnt cry today...

I dont know what my daughter will end up being the universe, I have been told she will be great, I have been told that she will go far...I honestly dont know...and I dont care...because I know that whatever she is or does...she will have something that many of us wished we had a little more of....bravery ...

....chelitta

First time for everything...

I don't know what to do!

For the first time in my life...I have no idea what to do.

There is just so much at stake. I have tried to disconnect myself from everything and I still cant figure out what to do.

I wish...that someone or something would enlighten my road right now...I have asked the universe for signs, messages anything that would help me...and all I get is either weird things happening or silence.

The road where I was left has run out...and I am standing at the end of it...holding my daughters hand...looking at her, and trying to think of what to do...and she is still to little to say ..mami ..lets go this way...instead..she is looking at me ...like..I'm ready to go and do whatever you want.

I look back and see the road that i have traveled and it is a long treacherous one. It caused me much pain, much much more than happiness, I look back and see how many people I have left behind...and  how many are still standing next to me, to support me, to be there...and follow me no matter what direction I choose to take...

The problem is....

I don't know...and Its killing me inside, because, time, money, health and possibly even love are all at stake...I have everything to lose...but at the same time I have everything to gain...its easier when you have nothing to lose ..

So for the past 3 days ...I have woken up, taken a shower, gone to work, come home, made dinner, and gone to bed...all in that order...trying to make sense of why me...out of all the people in the world ..why am I the one stuck being "Murphy's Law". WHY? Is this a test? To see how strong I can be? To check if I am ready for evolution? I think I have been through so many things I have proved myself one too many times...

My heart, my body, my soul, and even worse, my brain...cant take this anymore...I wish...someone, something, anything at this point would point me in the direction I should go..just point...I will make my road, I will do the shoveling and paving...but I just need to know where to go...I don't have much more time...but most importantly... my daughter is waiting....

...chelitta

A life for a life?

I have a daughter. She is four years old and she is the love of my life. I start this post with that because what I am about to write may come off  to some as me being a selfish human being that has no regards to the great blessing that life and the universe has given me.

I am an only child. The closest thing I have to a brother or a sister is a cousin which I see and love as though we were sisters, even then it is not the same. She can not understand what it feels to not have anyone, she will always have someone to lean back on, when her parents part from this world, she will have someone there, to share the memories, of when mom and dad were around. I will never have that. I am and will always be alone.

I look back, and remember the lonely nights I would either play alone, or simply read because I had no one to play with or do anything with. The times I wanted to go play outside but couldn't, there was no one to play with.

I always promised myself to have more than one child. Unfortunately, even that was taken from me. My child, as most people know is a product, of hormone pills, timed sex, predetermined positioning and as stupid as it may sound...she is a product of a wish that was made to a shooting star. Even then, I made it a purpose to have another one, even if that meant going through everything I went through again.

Yet again, life has other plans...plans that I can not accept. My daughter deserves the best, she deserves happiness, love and she deserves to have someone that will always be there, that she can trust in. She doesn't deserve to grow up and have no one to share her special moments with, someone she can call and say hey remember when mom and us used to ...

So here I am...stuck..trying to choose for her...trying to think what she would really want versus what she needs right now...either way...in the end...the one that will end up losing will be me...I will either lose my life...or lose my dreams...which ironically go hand in hand...there are no dreams w/o life...and people can not live w/o hopes and dreams....

...chelitta