Its been bad. Those of you that have read me the past few weeks, know ... its been bad. As usual I probably made it out to be worse than what it was. Maybe it was more of an ego hurt than a heart hurt, or maybe it was a broken heart and I am just learning to deal with it in a better more faster way than before.
Thing is, last night something interesting happened. It's like some thing was lifted from me and I am good again. I don't want to attribute it to me meeting someone new, because although that is the case, I am taking it slow this time around. It isn't that. At all. It was a convo I had with an old friend. It enlightened me, deeply.
It made me realize that through out my life, I have managed to be a magnet to certain things, people. It reminded me of other people in my life that have always meant something to me and there has always been a constant. Always. The thing is, I do not believe in the constant, and my friend asked me if I had looked back and asked myself, why the constant has always been close, despite my reluctance to see or accept it. It has been there. Whatever it is, it has been there.
I look back, from my Portuguese baby-sitter when I was 3 to today, it has always been there. Every step, and I came to realize why I tend to turn away from those friends that have intervened for me. I don't understand, but I am finding a way to understanding. There has been a light, on in the background but now, I see it... and I dunno what this all means but yes... its much more clear now... Something is out there, and I will find out what it is. I am not giving it a name, because I don't want to call it by names that its been given... if anything I am calling it ...new hope...
... chelitta
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Day 7
Day 7 (yesterday) was a big fat fail. Lets just say, I am back to day 1.. and I don't know how to handle it.
I was in emotional and physical distress. I had an exam I had to do, I also made the huge mistake of going to work, so I had that stress as well. I caved in. I made contact. I needed it. I don't know what good it did. I don't know if it did more harm. I am confused as to what I am feeling or believing now.
I missed his voice, and once I heard it, it was as if my heart melted, I felt this warmth, but I knew it was temporary. That is just how I am. I feel like I shouldn't have bothered.
Day seven and I hurt more than I did on day 1 and I don't understand why. It wasn't that I saw him, I didn't. I just heard him and that was it, to bring me back to where I was. What is this? Why can't I let go of this?... Can someone explain why I have this hurt inside over something so temporary. I knew it wasn't going to last, I told myself over and over again it wasn't, I thought I was ready for it. I was wrong.
Day seven brought night 8 and it was even worse. Dream after dream brought more and more turmoil. Dreams of abandonment, my typical dream of one of my closest friends trying to kill me in such weird ways, dreams of confessions etc. Woke up with a headache and my heart was hurting, literally. I think It was the dream where my friend ripped it out of my chest that did that. Will never get used to it.
Day seven, didn't bring day 8 but another day 1 .... so here we go... again...
I was in emotional and physical distress. I had an exam I had to do, I also made the huge mistake of going to work, so I had that stress as well. I caved in. I made contact. I needed it. I don't know what good it did. I don't know if it did more harm. I am confused as to what I am feeling or believing now.
I missed his voice, and once I heard it, it was as if my heart melted, I felt this warmth, but I knew it was temporary. That is just how I am. I feel like I shouldn't have bothered.
Day seven and I hurt more than I did on day 1 and I don't understand why. It wasn't that I saw him, I didn't. I just heard him and that was it, to bring me back to where I was. What is this? Why can't I let go of this?... Can someone explain why I have this hurt inside over something so temporary. I knew it wasn't going to last, I told myself over and over again it wasn't, I thought I was ready for it. I was wrong.
Day seven brought night 8 and it was even worse. Dream after dream brought more and more turmoil. Dreams of abandonment, my typical dream of one of my closest friends trying to kill me in such weird ways, dreams of confessions etc. Woke up with a headache and my heart was hurting, literally. I think It was the dream where my friend ripped it out of my chest that did that. Will never get used to it.
Day seven, didn't bring day 8 but another day 1 .... so here we go... again...
Saturday, December 12, 2015
Day 5 ..
Might as well be day 1 for all I care... hurts the same. Feels the same... I know relatively day 1 and day 5 are really not too much different... but I should at least start feeling better. I don't. I hurt, maybe even more because I have had more time to process, more time to recall things that were said. Things that now do not make sense, at all.
I haven't slept well. My mind keeps me up, and when I do manage to sleep, my sleep is constantly interrupted by my dreams, dreams that no longer make sense. Dreams that make me want to cry, but now I can't even do that. I have this knot, in my chest, and as much as I try to cry, I can not. I know this is not good, I am bottling all these feelings in, not purposely, subconsciously. I wish I could cry, I wish I could be angry instead of sad. I wish my heart wouldn't feel. I wish it could be as cold as those that have hurt me...but my heart has been cursed to love. It does not know hate, it does not know resentment, it only knows forgiveness and resignation.
It has been broken so many times, it is beyond repair. It is beyond any type of healing. The most it can do is patch itself, but it will always bleed. It will always have open areas that never close completely. I have to accept that. I have to accept that life has put me through too much and that I will never be the same as I was. I will never be that carefree woman that lived her life to the fullest, that was always happy and that had a positive attitude. She died. She was killed. She is gone.
Day 5. It hurts. He hurts. His memory hurt. I miss his touch. I miss his voice. I miss him. Everything about him. I miss how he said my name. I miss his eyes. I just miss. However, it needs to stop. I can not go back, I do not go back. Even if it kills me inside, even if I want to run back, even if I feel that could have been it, even if the thoughts of him finding happiness away from me, consume my heart, I can not, I will not. It is not pride, it is self preservation, self love if you will.
Day 5, I am nothing and my absence has no effect on his life, the same will soon be true for me....
I haven't slept well. My mind keeps me up, and when I do manage to sleep, my sleep is constantly interrupted by my dreams, dreams that no longer make sense. Dreams that make me want to cry, but now I can't even do that. I have this knot, in my chest, and as much as I try to cry, I can not. I know this is not good, I am bottling all these feelings in, not purposely, subconsciously. I wish I could cry, I wish I could be angry instead of sad. I wish my heart wouldn't feel. I wish it could be as cold as those that have hurt me...but my heart has been cursed to love. It does not know hate, it does not know resentment, it only knows forgiveness and resignation.
It has been broken so many times, it is beyond repair. It is beyond any type of healing. The most it can do is patch itself, but it will always bleed. It will always have open areas that never close completely. I have to accept that. I have to accept that life has put me through too much and that I will never be the same as I was. I will never be that carefree woman that lived her life to the fullest, that was always happy and that had a positive attitude. She died. She was killed. She is gone.
Day 5. It hurts. He hurts. His memory hurt. I miss his touch. I miss his voice. I miss him. Everything about him. I miss how he said my name. I miss his eyes. I just miss. However, it needs to stop. I can not go back, I do not go back. Even if it kills me inside, even if I want to run back, even if I feel that could have been it, even if the thoughts of him finding happiness away from me, consume my heart, I can not, I will not. It is not pride, it is self preservation, self love if you will.
Day 5, I am nothing and my absence has no effect on his life, the same will soon be true for me....
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Ventings and nothings
Well here I am again.... a tad disillusioned... a tad confused... and why not... hella hurt, my own doing but still, hurts.
This online thing isn't working out for me but, what am I going to do? ... I don't have time to go out. Though there are a lot of speed dating events that I could attend and they are not that expensive as I thought they would be. So maybe, I will start going to those, though they make me nervous, but the online thing seriously sucks.
People try to be all sweet with you, and say things and do things they don't really mean. They make you think things that are not so. They tell you they are romantic, that they are looking for a mate, but then totally change once you start getting comfortable with them. Why would someone take their time to court you, only to run from you after?
Why, if you were honest of your intentions from the beginning did they seem OK with it? Honesty. You give them honesty and they give you deception. They give you lies. They give you satisfaction, in ways you haven't been satisfied before. They make you get used to them, so much that their absence affects you. How do they do that? It happens, time and time again. It happens. It hurts, your ego, your soul, your heart or whatever it is that was in it.
I remember, when I used to be able to do that, and I still thought I could. Guess I was wrong... guess I learned my lesson. Not to play with fire, cuz it burns. Lesson learned universe ... lesson learned...
So, back to square one. Back to square one.. or maybe not.. I don't know. For now I will just exist, live this out, hurt the hurt, fix the broken, get up, dust myself off, and walk with my head held high, smile and eventually laugh at this. Look back and laugh...
...chelitta
This online thing isn't working out for me but, what am I going to do? ... I don't have time to go out. Though there are a lot of speed dating events that I could attend and they are not that expensive as I thought they would be. So maybe, I will start going to those, though they make me nervous, but the online thing seriously sucks.
People try to be all sweet with you, and say things and do things they don't really mean. They make you think things that are not so. They tell you they are romantic, that they are looking for a mate, but then totally change once you start getting comfortable with them. Why would someone take their time to court you, only to run from you after?
Why, if you were honest of your intentions from the beginning did they seem OK with it? Honesty. You give them honesty and they give you deception. They give you lies. They give you satisfaction, in ways you haven't been satisfied before. They make you get used to them, so much that their absence affects you. How do they do that? It happens, time and time again. It happens. It hurts, your ego, your soul, your heart or whatever it is that was in it.
I remember, when I used to be able to do that, and I still thought I could. Guess I was wrong... guess I learned my lesson. Not to play with fire, cuz it burns. Lesson learned universe ... lesson learned...
So, back to square one. Back to square one.. or maybe not.. I don't know. For now I will just exist, live this out, hurt the hurt, fix the broken, get up, dust myself off, and walk with my head held high, smile and eventually laugh at this. Look back and laugh...
...chelitta
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