New hope...

Its been bad. Those of you that have read me the past few weeks, know ... its been bad. As usual I probably made it out to be worse than what it was. Maybe it was more of an ego hurt than a heart hurt, or maybe it was a broken heart and I am just learning to deal with it in a better more faster way than before.

Thing is, last night something interesting happened. It's like some thing was lifted from me and I am good again. I don't want to attribute it to me meeting someone new, because although that is the case, I am taking it slow this time around. It isn't that. At all. It was a convo I had with an old friend. It enlightened me, deeply.

It made me realize that through out my life, I have managed to be a magnet to certain things, people. It reminded me of other people in my life that have always meant something to me and there has always been a constant. Always. The thing is, I do not believe in the constant, and my friend asked me if I had looked back and asked myself, why the constant has always been close, despite my reluctance to see or accept it.  It has been there. Whatever it is, it has been there.

I look back, from my Portuguese baby-sitter when I was 3 to today, it has always been there. Every step, and I came to realize why I tend to turn away from those friends that have intervened for me. I don't understand, but I am finding a way to understanding. There has been a light, on in the background but now, I see it... and I dunno what this all means but yes... its much more clear now... Something is out there, and I will find out what it is. I am not giving it a name, because I don't want to call it by names that its been given... if anything I am calling it ...new hope...

... chelitta