Conquering Fears....

For the longest time, I have been fearful about doing things by myself. Which in all honesty is contradictory to my personality, since I really don't like people. I have  missed out on a lot, like not watching movies at a theater. That was the one thing that would sometimes get to me. I wanted to go see a movie, but rarely found someone to go with. So I would never see the movie until months or years later. 

Anyway, I got  to thinking yesterday, that it was sort of illogical, being  the "anti-social" person that I am, that I had to "depend" on someone to go with me to watch a damn movie. Yes I have social anxiety, but that is something that can be conquered. I mean whats the worst that could happen, I thought  to myself. Nothing. It was all in my head, my head that has stopped me for way too long. 

So throughout the day today I kept thinking about it. At around noon, I decided, I was going to go to the movies by myself, and I was going to have my popcorn and my Cherry coke. So, I logged into Fandango.. and found a movie that I had wanted to see, Southpaw. As soon as I had decided to do it, I started doubting myself. I started telling myself that maybe tomorrow and that maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all. What if something happened and I was there alone, etc. I was sabotaging myself. However, I told I reminded myself that the old me had stayed behind, that as soon as I got onto that plane, I was someone else, someone different, someone improved and in order to be that someone I HAD to conquer my fears. That I had no tomorrow guaranteed.  I had to be strong. 

So, I decided I was going to go. The rest of the day, I could feel the nervousness building up, almost to the point of anxiety. I would go to the bathroom and breathe. I didn't have anyone to share what I was doing with, so I calmed myself down. After work I headed to the gym. As I was on the treadmill I kept thinking about it and did an hour on the thing. When I got home I started thinking that maybe tomorrow would be better, that I was just too tired, but again, I talked myself through it. I told myself that tomorrow did not exist for me, that I HAD to go today because if I didn't, I could miss a chance of seeing it.

When I got to the theater,  I couldn't get out of the car. I had gotten an awesome parking spot and there I was, wanting to back out and come back home. So I told myself, that if I did this I could do anything. I got out of the car, and as I was walking towards the entrance, I suddenly felt calm, I kept telling myself that I was there alone because I wanted to, that I could've gone with someone I didn't tolerate and not enjoy myself or go alone and enjoy it. I bought the ticket and went upstairs and bought my damn popcorn and cherry coke and went to get my seat. 

I fuckin enjoyed every minute of the damn movie, not only because it was a good film, but because I was there, in the theater by my damn self. HA!!! I had done it, I had conquered one of many fears, on my own. Nobody to encourage me, nobody to "hold my hand" I did it on my own. It felt damn good. Empowering and liberating. That's all I can say. 

One thing less to be worried about... it was amazing.... I am satisfied and happy :) .... 

..... chelitta

The struggle ....

(Pix taken on 8/3/2015)

Its been almost a year since I started my weight loss journey and I have had bad good excellent and terrible days. There have been times I really got into it and others when I just didn't give it my all. During this time, I followed various "fitness" accounts on twitter and IG, then I followed some real life people and their struggles. I made a mistake though. I was looking at their stories and seeing how quickly they were obtaining results and I wasn't. Their stories far from encouraging me, like they were intended, had the opposite effect. I would walk around thinking what I was doing was wrong, not enough etc. I would sabotage my own self and in the end feel worse.

The thing is, we are all different. It wasn't that I wasn't giving it my all, or that they were better than me. They would even post when they had had a bad day.  Every struggle is different, what works for one wont work for another. I, like a friend put it, was looking at how much more I had to go rather than how much I had progressed. So, while on my vacation/retreat, I did just that. I took a whole lot of selfies, something that I usually don't like, and looked at myself in each one, and then I would look for a pic of me from around the same time last year, and I would compare it, and though the differences aren't big, there is a difference and that's what matters. There are results.

So now, I look at those people and feel inspired, it doesn't matter if they lost 75 lbs in 6 months and I lost 10 lbs, The point is there was a loss. The point is, if THEY can do it, there is no reason I cant. It might take me longer, but it will happen, and I should be proud of whatever progress I have made, I should be proud and happy of my body. It may not be what society portrays or has brainwashed most of humanity into believing is "nice", but it is.

There are no ugly people in this world. There really aren't. If we stop and think why we actually think someone is not "cute" its because we have been made to think that the combination of features they possess is not nice to look at. So, as I have said before, to someone out there, I am pretty. To someone out there, I am the right weight (whatever that may be at any given time), I am the right height I am the right kind of pretty. I learned that I should love myself, just how I am, that if I decide to change it for my own well being and nobody else.

I am not a fan of taking selfies or whatever, but if I can inspire someone like all those people have inspired me, then I will do it, not frequently but often enough. It wont be about posting the flattering, it will be about the ugly, flabs of skin that hang, that are not ugly. They show a struggle against myself that I have had for as long as I can remember. I am not ashamed of it anymore. It is who I am...It is my struggle....

...chelitta