New hope...

Its been bad. Those of you that have read me the past few weeks, know ... its been bad. As usual I probably made it out to be worse than what it was. Maybe it was more of an ego hurt than a heart hurt, or maybe it was a broken heart and I am just learning to deal with it in a better more faster way than before.

Thing is, last night something interesting happened. It's like some thing was lifted from me and I am good again. I don't want to attribute it to me meeting someone new, because although that is the case, I am taking it slow this time around. It isn't that. At all. It was a convo I had with an old friend. It enlightened me, deeply.

It made me realize that through out my life, I have managed to be a magnet to certain things, people. It reminded me of other people in my life that have always meant something to me and there has always been a constant. Always. The thing is, I do not believe in the constant, and my friend asked me if I had looked back and asked myself, why the constant has always been close, despite my reluctance to see or accept it.  It has been there. Whatever it is, it has been there.

I look back, from my Portuguese baby-sitter when I was 3 to today, it has always been there. Every step, and I came to realize why I tend to turn away from those friends that have intervened for me. I don't understand, but I am finding a way to understanding. There has been a light, on in the background but now, I see it... and I dunno what this all means but yes... its much more clear now... Something is out there, and I will find out what it is. I am not giving it a name, because I don't want to call it by names that its been given... if anything I am calling it ...new hope...

... chelitta

Day 7

Day 7 (yesterday) was a big fat fail. Lets just say, I am back to day 1.. and I don't know how to handle it.

I was in emotional and physical distress. I had an exam I had to do, I also made the huge mistake of going to work, so I had that stress as well. I caved in. I made contact. I needed it. I don't know what good it did. I don't know if it did more harm. I am confused as to what I am feeling or believing now.

I missed his voice, and once I heard it, it was as if my heart melted, I felt this warmth, but I knew it was  temporary. That is just how I am.  I feel like I shouldn't have bothered.

Day seven and I hurt more than I did on day 1 and I don't understand why. It wasn't that I saw him, I didn't. I just heard him and that was it, to bring me back to where I was. What is this? Why can't I let go of this?... Can someone explain why I have this hurt inside over something so temporary. I knew it wasn't going to last, I told myself over and over again it wasn't, I thought I was ready for it. I was wrong.

Day seven brought night 8 and it was even worse. Dream after dream brought more and more turmoil. Dreams of abandonment, my typical dream of one of my closest friends trying  to kill me in such weird ways, dreams of confessions etc. Woke up with a headache and my heart was hurting, literally. I think It was the dream where my friend ripped it out of my chest that did that. Will never get used to it.

Day seven, didn't bring day 8 but another day 1 .... so here we go... again...

Day 5 ..

Might as well be day 1 for all I care... hurts the same. Feels the same... I know relatively day 1 and day 5 are really not too much different... but I should at least start feeling better. I don't. I hurt, maybe even more because I have had more time to process, more time to recall things that were said. Things that now do not make sense, at all.

I haven't slept well. My mind keeps me up, and when I do manage to sleep, my sleep is constantly interrupted by my dreams, dreams that no longer make sense. Dreams that make me want to cry, but now I can't even do that. I have this knot, in my chest, and as much as I try to cry, I can not. I know this is not good, I am bottling all these feelings in, not purposely, subconsciously. I wish I could cry, I wish I could be angry instead of sad. I wish my heart wouldn't feel.  I wish it could be as cold as those that have hurt me...but my heart has been cursed to love. It does not know hate, it does not know resentment, it only knows forgiveness and resignation.

It has been broken so many times, it is beyond repair. It is beyond any type of healing. The most it can do is patch itself, but it will always bleed. It will always have open areas that never close completely. I have to accept that. I have to accept that life has put me through too much and that I will never be the same as I was. I will never be that carefree woman that lived her life to the fullest, that was always happy and that had a positive attitude. She died. She was killed. She is gone.

Day 5. It hurts. He hurts. His memory hurt. I miss his touch. I miss his voice. I miss him. Everything about him. I miss how he said my name. I miss his eyes. I just miss. However, it needs to stop. I can not go back, I do not go back. Even if it kills me inside, even if I want to run back, even if I feel that could have been it, even if the thoughts of him finding happiness away from me, consume my heart, I can not, I will not. It is not pride, it is self preservation, self love if you will.

Day 5, I am nothing and my absence has no effect on his life, the same will soon be true for me....

Ventings and nothings

Well here I am again.... a tad disillusioned... a tad confused... and why not... hella hurt, my own doing but still, hurts.

This online thing isn't working out for me but, what am I going to do? ... I don't have time to go out. Though there are a lot of speed dating events that I could attend and they are not that expensive as I thought they would be. So maybe, I will start going to those, though they make me nervous, but the online thing seriously sucks.

People try to be all sweet with you, and say things and do things they don't really mean. They make you think things that are not so. They tell you they are romantic, that they are looking for a mate, but then totally change once you start getting comfortable with them. Why would someone take their time to court you, only to run from you after?

Why, if you were honest of your intentions from the beginning did they seem OK with it? Honesty. You give them honesty and they give you deception.  They give you lies. They give you satisfaction, in ways you haven't been satisfied before. They make you get used to them, so much that their absence affects you. How do they do that? It happens, time and time again. It happens. It hurts, your ego, your soul, your heart or whatever it is that was in it.

I remember, when I used to be able to do that, and I still thought I could. Guess I was wrong... guess I learned my lesson. Not to play with fire, cuz it burns. Lesson learned universe ... lesson learned...

So, back to square one. Back to square one.. or maybe not.. I don't know. For now I will just exist, live this out, hurt the hurt, fix the broken, get up, dust myself off, and walk with my head held high, smile and eventually laugh at this. Look back and laugh...

...chelitta

Purpose?

Hello,

Its been a long while... hella long I know. Been busy with school, dating etc...
Yes.. I said dating!! .. I didn't think I would ever use that word to describe what I have been up to.. but well I have...

I am not going to get much into it, lets just say ... I got my groove back... for an instant. LOL

Anyway... lately... more than usual, I have been having this inner conflict. I for the first time in over 9 years do not have any type of inner peace. I have never, for as long as I can remember haven't had complete peace. I have had long periods of mild tranquility but never peace, but I haven;'t had my soul in such turmoil since I realized my marriage was over...

Anyway, back then I relied on alcohol, and other unhealthy behaviors. I don't want to do that again. I don't want to suffer, I don't want the hangovers, I don't want the stress. I just want to resolve this and find my eternity. Find what gives me peace inside. Something that does not depend on anyone. Something that I can turn to that will always be there.

The thing is. I don't have that and I don't believe in the conventional methods of finding that peace... like prayer, worship or whatever. I don't believe in God. I did at one point in my life, then I started questioning his existence and then just decided that maybe there is one, but I just dot have enough evidence to prove me otherwise. So for now I do not believe.

Someone told me I had to find my purpose. While at the moment that did sound weird. It is what has stirred me up internally. I do not have a purpose. At least I feel I don't. I have often wondered what it is. Is it to make my mother feel better about herself? ,, Is it purely to lead people, men especially, into a life of debauchery? ... I don't feel like I am here to help anyone. Rather I feel that my presence often causes this disruption in someones life. At least that's how I have been made to feel.

I have been borderline having a breakdown, I don't have peace. I don't have purpose. Where to find it? How to find it? where is it? Inner peace... will that bring me true love? Who knows... I am just .. here I guess...

Purpose?...

Conquering Fears....

For the longest time, I have been fearful about doing things by myself. Which in all honesty is contradictory to my personality, since I really don't like people. I have  missed out on a lot, like not watching movies at a theater. That was the one thing that would sometimes get to me. I wanted to go see a movie, but rarely found someone to go with. So I would never see the movie until months or years later. 

Anyway, I got  to thinking yesterday, that it was sort of illogical, being  the "anti-social" person that I am, that I had to "depend" on someone to go with me to watch a damn movie. Yes I have social anxiety, but that is something that can be conquered. I mean whats the worst that could happen, I thought  to myself. Nothing. It was all in my head, my head that has stopped me for way too long. 

So throughout the day today I kept thinking about it. At around noon, I decided, I was going to go to the movies by myself, and I was going to have my popcorn and my Cherry coke. So, I logged into Fandango.. and found a movie that I had wanted to see, Southpaw. As soon as I had decided to do it, I started doubting myself. I started telling myself that maybe tomorrow and that maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all. What if something happened and I was there alone, etc. I was sabotaging myself. However, I told I reminded myself that the old me had stayed behind, that as soon as I got onto that plane, I was someone else, someone different, someone improved and in order to be that someone I HAD to conquer my fears. That I had no tomorrow guaranteed.  I had to be strong. 

So, I decided I was going to go. The rest of the day, I could feel the nervousness building up, almost to the point of anxiety. I would go to the bathroom and breathe. I didn't have anyone to share what I was doing with, so I calmed myself down. After work I headed to the gym. As I was on the treadmill I kept thinking about it and did an hour on the thing. When I got home I started thinking that maybe tomorrow would be better, that I was just too tired, but again, I talked myself through it. I told myself that tomorrow did not exist for me, that I HAD to go today because if I didn't, I could miss a chance of seeing it.

When I got to the theater,  I couldn't get out of the car. I had gotten an awesome parking spot and there I was, wanting to back out and come back home. So I told myself, that if I did this I could do anything. I got out of the car, and as I was walking towards the entrance, I suddenly felt calm, I kept telling myself that I was there alone because I wanted to, that I could've gone with someone I didn't tolerate and not enjoy myself or go alone and enjoy it. I bought the ticket and went upstairs and bought my damn popcorn and cherry coke and went to get my seat. 

I fuckin enjoyed every minute of the damn movie, not only because it was a good film, but because I was there, in the theater by my damn self. HA!!! I had done it, I had conquered one of many fears, on my own. Nobody to encourage me, nobody to "hold my hand" I did it on my own. It felt damn good. Empowering and liberating. That's all I can say. 

One thing less to be worried about... it was amazing.... I am satisfied and happy :) .... 

..... chelitta

The struggle ....

(Pix taken on 8/3/2015)

Its been almost a year since I started my weight loss journey and I have had bad good excellent and terrible days. There have been times I really got into it and others when I just didn't give it my all. During this time, I followed various "fitness" accounts on twitter and IG, then I followed some real life people and their struggles. I made a mistake though. I was looking at their stories and seeing how quickly they were obtaining results and I wasn't. Their stories far from encouraging me, like they were intended, had the opposite effect. I would walk around thinking what I was doing was wrong, not enough etc. I would sabotage my own self and in the end feel worse.

The thing is, we are all different. It wasn't that I wasn't giving it my all, or that they were better than me. They would even post when they had had a bad day.  Every struggle is different, what works for one wont work for another. I, like a friend put it, was looking at how much more I had to go rather than how much I had progressed. So, while on my vacation/retreat, I did just that. I took a whole lot of selfies, something that I usually don't like, and looked at myself in each one, and then I would look for a pic of me from around the same time last year, and I would compare it, and though the differences aren't big, there is a difference and that's what matters. There are results.

So now, I look at those people and feel inspired, it doesn't matter if they lost 75 lbs in 6 months and I lost 10 lbs, The point is there was a loss. The point is, if THEY can do it, there is no reason I cant. It might take me longer, but it will happen, and I should be proud of whatever progress I have made, I should be proud and happy of my body. It may not be what society portrays or has brainwashed most of humanity into believing is "nice", but it is.

There are no ugly people in this world. There really aren't. If we stop and think why we actually think someone is not "cute" its because we have been made to think that the combination of features they possess is not nice to look at. So, as I have said before, to someone out there, I am pretty. To someone out there, I am the right weight (whatever that may be at any given time), I am the right height I am the right kind of pretty. I learned that I should love myself, just how I am, that if I decide to change it for my own well being and nobody else.

I am not a fan of taking selfies or whatever, but if I can inspire someone like all those people have inspired me, then I will do it, not frequently but often enough. It wont be about posting the flattering, it will be about the ugly, flabs of skin that hang, that are not ugly. They show a struggle against myself that I have had for as long as I can remember. I am not ashamed of it anymore. It is who I am...It is my struggle....

...chelitta

I found her...

Just came back from my 3 weeks vacation in El Salvador... It was amazing. I also wanted to use that time to find myself, to reset myself, to close, rebuild, accept and so on and so on. I did just that. I found out so many things. I came to terms with myself... this is what I discovered.

Who and what I am....

• I am an emotional being, and that's OK. I perceive others feelings and they transfer to me, I have learned that while this is an awesome and useful "gift" it can also bring me down. I have learned that I can control that, MY emotions do not depend on anyone else but my own. I bleed love, and that's OK. It is also OK that others are not this way. They may feel intimidated by my emotions, but that is something THEY have to work on and not me. I can not and will not change who/what I am to adapt to them, nor should they do it to adapt to me. 
• I am worthy of being loved and desired just as I am. I don't need to change anything about myself (inside or out) to please anyone. People that want to be a part of my life should accept me as I am, they shouldn't want me to be different. To someone, I am the right size, height, shape, and have the personality they are compatible with. If I decide to change, it should be to make MYSELF happy. 
• I am responsible for my own happiness. I control my life and what I let get to me. Nobody can make me feel/do anything unless they have my permission and I haven't given it to anyone.
• I am "binary" and that is more than OK. I don't see the 50 + shades of grey that someone else sees, but that doesn't make me wrong, nor does it make them right. Everyone is entitled to their point of view. If they don't like it, then it is their problem, not mine. They have to either fix it, or leave it, but not expect me to accept it, just as I don't have to accept their ways.  This doesn't mean we can't get along, it just means that in some things, we will never agree on, and that's OK. 
• I am the best mother I can be. I am learning as I go, and have learned and continue to learn from my mistakes. Nobody is a perfect mother. Nobody has a right to say I am doing a bad job as a mother because they don't know my life. 
• I am important and should be treated as such. There is a difference between "being busy" and not making time. People that realize your worth will make time in their busiest moments, people that take you for granted, make excuses. How do I know? Because I am the kind of person that makes time for those she cares about and know it can be done,.There are of course exceptions but they are rare. I will no longer "settle" or compete for peoples time. If I feel I am being taken for granted, I can choose to remove myself from that and I owe no explanation. It is not my problem if people do not acknowledge my worth, nor is it my job to make them realize it. I am as important as they are and deserve the same attention they receive from me. 
• I am strong. I have been through a lot and I am still here. 
• I know what I want. It doesnt matter if to someone else it seems I don't. It is their problem if they think that. I can not control their thought process, nor is it my responsibility to convince them.

Who and what I am NOT...

• I am not an attention seeker. If I use social media as my outlet to vent, that is my way to get my feelings out and does not in no way make me an attention seeker. I do not expect to be read, listened to nor felt sorry for. However, I can not control what others think of me. If they choose to think that of me, it is not my problem and I don't have to do or say anything to prove otherwise.
• I am not a cold hearted bitch, nor do I want to be. I cant and wont make someone feel inferior, unworthy or unimportant when they are. I won't hide my feelings to avoid making someone uncomfortable. It is OK to feel. It is OK to show your emotions because nobody can hurt you unless you let them, and being emotional is not the same as being weak. Even the coldest of hearts has a melting point.
• I am not a people person and that's OK. I don't have to like or be liked by anyone. I do not care what others or how others think of me. I can not control their thoughts. If I am not liked that's fine, if I am liked that's fine too, but that does not under any circumstances obligate me to feel the same towards them. 
• I am not conceited. I am far from that. I am aware of my flaws and I am OK with them, finally. If I post a pic of me in a "sexy" pose or the like, I am not doing it for compliments, I am doing it because I feel like it, because *I* think I look pretty or *I* feel pretty. There is a difference between a "tell me im pretty" attitude and a "look, I am feeling pretty and happy today" attitude, I am the latter.
• I do not think I am better than anyone, nor do I think anyone is better than me. We are all the same. We all have the same potential to be whatever it is we want. Yes, some have it easier than others but that does not make them better, nor does having an education, money etc make me better than anyone. I am the waiters, homeless, beggar, stripper, prostitutes equal. Thinking otherwise would make me part of the problem and I choose to be part of the solution. 
• I am not prettier, sexier, smarter than any other woman in the universe. We are all liked by different people. What one person thinks is sexy, another won't. I am not competing for anyone. There are plenty of men that think I am all that and a bag of chips. 

Who and what I want to be... 

• Confident. I am a work in progress. I want to one day be able to look at myself and 100% of the time know I am pretty. 
• Happy. I am 75% there, I need to find my balance and accept things better, and stop myself from going under. 
• Trusting, not of people but of myself. I am capable of anything and everything I want. I have to learn to trust myself. 
• Accepting of compliments. People mean well, and it is not  their fault I may not see what they see.  
• Fearless of someone's touch. What happened to me is not their fault. My insecurities and concerns have nothing to do with them and they should not be held responsible for them. I can not anticipate not liking someones touch, just because. It is OK to be touched and like it.
• I want to be someone that turns their needs into their wants. 

There is plenty more I learned .... but this is the short version. I am content with myself and pround I found this balance and the peace I so desperately needed... everyone deserves to find themselves... I set out to look for me... and I found her... 

....chelitta 

Why?

Why does a broken heart hurt so much?... To clarify, anyone can break your heart, your mother/father/family with a painful truth, a best friend, a lover, a boyfriend, your children... It doesn't matter who does it, they (heartbreaks) all hurt alike...

Why do we do things "out of character" when we have a broken heart? .. from drinking more than usual... drastically changing our hair, saying yes when we would usually say no... etc? ... Maybe its to fill the void? Ease the pain? Get back at the person that broke us? Why?

Why do we put people on pedestals? Why do we trust them with everything? Why do we lose ourselves? Why do they let us trust them, if they know they are capable of hurting us? Why do they hurt us if we are incapable of hurting them? Is it to feed their ego?.. To fill a void and after they have "used" us, they move on? Why don't they realize the damage they will do, before they do it?

Why so we keep hope? Why are we willing to forgive? Why do we forgive? ... Even after everything, we forget the hurt that they have caused and act like nothing.. hoping everything will be OK. Why do we do we fail to realize that nothing will be the same again. Ever. Damage is done, the wound has been made, it's slow to heal and leaves an ugly scar, that time can not erase.

Why aren't we able to stop loving/caring as soon as our heart is broken? Why can't there be a natural reaction to protect us from that hurt?  Why does our body react, as if it is being attacked by some deadly virus? .. Why do we feel like we are about to die? Why do we lose that will to live?...

Why can't we be like those that hurt us? Why can't we just move on like they do? Why does our heart keep bleeding love when theirs is made of ice?.. Just Why? ..

... chelitta

Something never done...

It's funny, how you learn through other people... its also funny how you get your answers by helping other people...

A few days ago, someone asked me if they could ask me a question. Usually I am Ok with people asking, but for some reason I was hesitant, so I kinda of said "yes" but with a "if you have to" tone... The question, caught me off guard, not because of the question itself, but because of what it was doing, it was forcing me to realize something I didn't want to...

She asked.. Have you ever been hurt, by someone you never expected to hurt you, and if so, did you ever trust that person again in the same way, if not, what could they do to gain your trust again? .. Well.. it just so happens that I am going through that right now, only that I didn't really want to realize it... but that's a story I unfortunately can't share... so lets continue...

I looked at her, took a deep breath and said, I don't know, I think so... as the convo evolved I realized that in fact I have been... and its something that I have actually never been through before, only because, I actually never expected the person to actually hurt me, with other people I had actually had my guard up at all times, yes I would let it down but only to a point,  I would wait for the day they failed, and yes they failed, but with this particular person, I let it all down.. ALL OF IT!!! ... and that was my mistake and only mine, I believed, I allowed myself to, I trusted when I shouldn't have, I thought them different, and they are, they just hurt in a different manner too, but they still hurt...

We both came to the conclusion that we had allowed ourselves to trust that person for the same reason. We thought they were different... they treated us different, they did things that made us believe they were, it took them time but they gained our trust, all of it... and just as they did that.. they did what we never thought they would do... they hurt us. Of course there is one big difference in our cases... hers was a romantic relationship, mine purely platonic... the pain, I concluded was the same. Trust is trust and hurt is hurt.

So to the next part of the question, if they wanted to regain what they stupidly lost, What can they do, and would we be able to trust them as we once did? .. To answer her question, I needed to know more, and as she told me more, I noticed various similarities between our offenders... between glances, deep sighs, and the comings and goings of a work day, when we finally had another chance to talk... I said "have him do something he has never done before, for you or anyone,  something that you know took him a lot of effort and got him out of his comfort zone"... I shrugged and said that's the only thing I can think of, If he really wants to have what he had before, he has to earn it back and be twice as hard...

Then I realized something, she was asking me because the person had asked her, he wanted to mend things, not so in my case... which hurt me... but honestly I couldn't let that interfere with anything, she was asking me for her, the fact that I came to conclusions based on her experience meant nothing...anyway...eventually she agreed, it was the only way... not asking him of course to throw himself off a bridge, but just something that he never saw himself doing for someone, but was willing to do it for her... cuz she was worth it.

I still don't know how any of that turned out, I am not a nosy person and don't want to ask her, but the light in her eyes is back.. so I can only imagine that something positive came out of it... Well two actually. I learned, that I have changed. I am no longer that person that gets fucked over and forgives and acts like nothing happened. I learned that once wounded I can build up my walls faster than I used to...that I can forget all of the things that once made me smile and remind myself that I was wounded... and that it is most likely going to happen again if I let it....

I learned that I despite anything... any other feeling, love, appreciation, respect, admiration etc. fear is much stronger...The fear to once again be hurt, the fear of crying because I cant understand how someone can hurt someone else like nothing.. the fear of realizing that I mean nothing to someone when they mean so much to me...all of that ..plus so much more ... is stronger, and unconsciously changes me... because... whereas before I expected nothing... I now expect to be hurt...and that ...can put an end to many things...

My trust is worth so much ... and it was broken... I don't know if the person realizes this or not, I don't know if they are aware of what they have lost... though I am going to guess that they don't care... because if they had, they would have never risked losing it...  I don't believe in second chances... but if they were to ask for one... they would have to be willing to do .. something never done...

.... chelitta

Understanding the Incomprehensible...

You know, when you read about suicide victims, and how people usually say "They didnt seem suicidal", "they looked so happy and cheerful". Well .. I have news for you guys, we are not happy. We appear to be, because at some point, people that we thought we could trust and count on, made us feel or actually told us that our words hurt them or annoyed them. So we silenced our cry for help.

Kind of sad when you think about it. Maybe, that was their way of feeling better, maybe saying "i feel like dying" was there way of saying, Its not a good day today, please let me know u care, even if I act like u will be fine w/o me, let me know that is not the case. Yes, we need to be TOLD that, we need to FEEL that this is the truth and that people are not only saying that. Instead, we are told that we make others feel bad by saying that, well how selfish is that. Excuse us for not wanting to live, for thinking that there is no other way out. Excuse us for our chemical imbalance, and for coming into your lives.

Maybe social media has played a role into the whole thing. It is easier to appear cheerful, its easier to put a ":)" when u are actually ":'(" ..just so not bother people. Its easier to say you are fine when someone isnt looking in your eyes to know that you are lying. We prefer to pretend we are alright, as to not annoy you or push you away, because sometimes you are the only thing we have... and you made us feel like we bothered you...

So ... next time... someone u know decides what people refer as to the "easy way out", and you think to yourself, but they were so happy, or I never would've thought they would do that,  think about the times that maybe they did try to reach out... but they were annoying to you..

... chelitta

Update and other nothings...

*sigh*...

Yes, thats how I started this post, with a big sigh... why? Well because there isn't really much to update on, but I feel like writing but I don't feel like writing erotica. Which has been the case for several days.. so I have had to just give up on it ... for now. It's hard to

The kiddo is doing well. Her school participates in an Art4school program and so, she has discovered how much she likes it. One of her art pieces was/is on display at City Hall in Mtn. View.

She is also finally talking. Though it takes her a little bit, but she starts talking far more rapidly than before... it surprised me that she spoke to a new girl in her class and instantly became her friend.  Although a few days later she was in trouble for hitting that same girl, they are now best friends.  We had a long talk with her. Hopefully its a one time experience.

We took a short trip to Tahoe, and that was just depressing. The lake is drying up, and there was no snow, at all. Very sad, Just 5yrs ago the lake was at its normal levels, now it just looks like a pond. Other than that, kiddo has been fine, growing like a weed. .. Its unbelievable how fast time has gone by.

Regarding my weight... well it continues to be an on going battle. I was exercising regularly up until I became sick with a terrible case of Pneumonia, strep throat and flu all combined into one. Since then I havent been myself and haven't been going to gym, its been 3 weeks, sadly. I am still eating low carb. but as anyone with PCOS knows if you are not actively losing, you are gaining. So I may end up having Bypass surgery after all.

Romantically.. same shit, different year. I have dropped many people out of my life because for some reason 2014 was the year of realization. Many people that claimed wanted to be in my life and accept me, proved otherwise, so as hard as it was I ended all communication... I think thats why my sadness has increased the past month or so. Before I had those every once in a while little ego boosters of someones presence in my life, those "I want to see you", "I like you but you dont like me", "Come with me to my house in..", there is no more of that, no more random emails saying they wanted to be with me... though I must admit that they were annoying to me at the time, I didnt realize how good they were for my already shattered ego. However, I much rather feel sad than have people in my life that are not going to be there when I will really need them to be.

I need companionship. I need support, not financially but emotional and moral support. There is only so much friends can provide, and even then my friend count is down to 2, yes 2, unfortunately they both live far from me and seeing them is a treat, at least for me, maybe for them it is a blessing, sometimes I feel like I overwhelm them with my problems and start pulling away from them. So who knows .. by the end of this year I may not have any friends left, hopefully not though, but I realize if that occurs it is most likely my fault.

I have also moved in with my parents once again. To save up and hopefully find a place of my own again. Though home ownership is a long way to go that is my goal, I dont like the idea of kiddo growing up having to move every time rent goes up.

Well thats basically it, .. i end this post like I started it, with a great big *sigh*... we will see when I post again.. until then.. stay happy....

... chelitta