Day 5 ..

Might as well be day 1 for all I care... hurts the same. Feels the same... I know relatively day 1 and day 5 are really not too much different... but I should at least start feeling better. I don't. I hurt, maybe even more because I have had more time to process, more time to recall things that were said. Things that now do not make sense, at all.

I haven't slept well. My mind keeps me up, and when I do manage to sleep, my sleep is constantly interrupted by my dreams, dreams that no longer make sense. Dreams that make me want to cry, but now I can't even do that. I have this knot, in my chest, and as much as I try to cry, I can not. I know this is not good, I am bottling all these feelings in, not purposely, subconsciously. I wish I could cry, I wish I could be angry instead of sad. I wish my heart wouldn't feel.  I wish it could be as cold as those that have hurt me...but my heart has been cursed to love. It does not know hate, it does not know resentment, it only knows forgiveness and resignation.

It has been broken so many times, it is beyond repair. It is beyond any type of healing. The most it can do is patch itself, but it will always bleed. It will always have open areas that never close completely. I have to accept that. I have to accept that life has put me through too much and that I will never be the same as I was. I will never be that carefree woman that lived her life to the fullest, that was always happy and that had a positive attitude. She died. She was killed. She is gone.

Day 5. It hurts. He hurts. His memory hurt. I miss his touch. I miss his voice. I miss him. Everything about him. I miss how he said my name. I miss his eyes. I just miss. However, it needs to stop. I can not go back, I do not go back. Even if it kills me inside, even if I want to run back, even if I feel that could have been it, even if the thoughts of him finding happiness away from me, consume my heart, I can not, I will not. It is not pride, it is self preservation, self love if you will.

Day 5, I am nothing and my absence has no effect on his life, the same will soon be true for me....