Curious?

Ok so...mucho me preguntan...Karla ...WTH is up with you...your so vague ..sos tan mystica...Bueno aqui van a tener un poquito..just a little more insight...hopefully I can keep this up.

As an FYI, I am lazy as hell for spell check and all that good stuff so you will prolly see a whole lot of mispells and grammer mistakes...if thats something you dont want to see well then just dont read me ...and thats solves ure issue...ALSO my post may be very negative and dark ..so again if its something you dont like ...dont read...

I will also be posting my Erotic Fantasy "stories" here they will be marked with an *. ENJOY!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Because it happens

Te escribo esto, sabiendo que jamas lo leeras.

Te escribo esto por que te mereces una ultima entrada.

Te escribo esto, por q dentro de unas horas morira la mujer q te ama, q por razones del destino y de la vida nunca llegaste a conocer, y resucitara la mujer q nunca debio morir....

Te escribo esto por q un dia me hiciste una pregunta q no pude contestar....pero ahora si te la contestare.

Que vi en ti?

Vi tu alma...si tu alma...no me crees...alla tu ...vi parte de tu escencia...y me gusto.

Tu orgullo, tu perfeccionismo, tus ganas de hacer bien las cosas, tu inteligencia, ese hombre q aparenta ser fuerte pero q ...a veces, sin saber por q se entristece, vi al niño q vive en ti..si hay un niño ahi adentro..aunq lo quieras negar ...esta ahi.

No, no eres perfecto...tienes tus defectos y pueden ser miles, y tambien me enamore de ellos..

Ahora si me preguntas por q me enamore de ti..eso no puedo explicarlo...no tiene explicacion, estoy consiente que tu jamas me diste motivos para hacerlo pero paso....

Intente borrarte de aqui adentro, de mil maneras lo intente, intente hacerlo sin dejar morir a esta mujer q nacio por q queria un cuento de adas, por q se canso de jugar con la vida, por q queria ver si algun dia, terminaba de pagar sus pecados y al fin ser feliz...

Vivio por diez años esta mujer...sufrio dia a dia lo q la vida le ponia de castigo por su pasado, esperanzada q un dia iba a llegar a ser feliz...pero no ...no fue asi ...en vez de ser feliz, la vida logro q sufriera aun mas...poniendole a alguien q no fue hecho para ella...como diciendo...mira ...aqui esta lo q tu buscas..pero sabes q ...no es para ti...

Pero por mas q quize...no salias de mi corazon...y aun sigues clavado en el ...y cada dia la herida se hace mas profunda y ya no...prefiero matar a esta mujer por mi cuenta y no que muera por amor...

Ya pocas horas le quedan a esta mujer...y como condenada a muerte ve con ansias el momento de su muerte, pero sabe q es mejor morir luchando, y no morir derrotada..y queria decirte aunq sea por ultima vez...

I love you...

...because it happens...


Sunday, April 11, 2010

You are LOVE

You were not made with or from love...

You were made by two people in search for something that neither of them could give eachother; You were made by two people that did not share that sentiment that moves mountains and makes everything possible.

You were not made with or from love...

You were a planned occurrence, a scheduled task, a date on a calender and a recipe of drugs and not love.

No, I will never hug you and tell you, "your father and I loved eachother very much when we had you" I can never give you that. I can never give you the comfort of knowing that you are a product of two people loving each other to a point, where they wanted proof of that love in the world.

What I can give you, is the power of knowing that you are love. You are loved with the same intensity, if not more than those that were made with and from love.

You will always know that, if you were not made from love, love is not lacking in your life.

You were not made from love but are the result of the best of two people...two people who now sacrifice themselves so that you know and feel that you are loved, to make up for their mistake.

No Mi'ja you were not born from love...but you are LOVE...and that is more than a lot of others born from love can say.

 I love because of you...I know love because of you...I am love with you....

....chelitta




Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Forever?

Before you start reading, I want you to know, my dear readers all 3 of them plus the other ones that randomly read me...that this has been one of my hardest post to write. See I usually sit down and type however it is that my thoughts flow, and it isnt until after I post that I sometimes edit, after I read it a few times..well this one..has been rewritten 4 times...the first time I wrote it ..it was full of anger and hurt, so I didnt post it but kept it as a draft, the second time I edited it turned out to be more like a love letter than anything and that is something that I also didnt want...the third time..it was more like a questionaire type thing..and I know the questions will never be answered so there was no point...and thus ..we have this fourth attempt...which I think turned out good because it is a combination of all three...so here goes...


"Everything that has a beginning has an end".
 
Yes it surely does, and you put an end to whatever connection was left between us. I will not lie and say it didn't hurt because it did. It hurt more than it did 5 weeks ago, because I know what this means. I know that now, there really isnt anything left to hold on to, not even what you so graciously offered me, one to many times...your friendship.
 
You are right about a whole lot of things, but you are also wrong on others, but so was I.
 Looking back, I think my mistake was to try and make you happy. If I would have stuck with my gut instinct, if I would have not given in, this whole situation would have been avoided. My heart would not be wounded and you would have never been agravated the way you were. If, and only if, I would have never let you back in, if I would have held my stand and said, No, my love,  I can't be your friend, my heart doesn't understand reason and will not give you a friendship. I would not be sitting here typing about the hurt I caused myself.
 
Yes, I can no longer put 100% of the blame on you, my love. It was both of us. Me for allowing the situation, and you for not understanding and wanting to make something out of nothing. Yes, you are right, you told me, day in and day out that you could not and would not offer anything other than friendship, but looking back, I did too...I told you, day in and day out that I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU and that I could never see you as a friend. How many times? Tell me how many times? As many times as you told me that you could not offer anything more than friendship..if not more. Yet you kept insisting, on something I could not offer you. It was not just about me wanting something you couldnt offer, my love. It was about BOTH of us wanting something NEITHER of us could give. You wanting a friend out of me, and me wanting a lover out of you.
 
How many times did I ask you for time? If that time would have been given, if you would have stepped back then, instead of now my heart would have not have been wounded as it has. Dont misunderstand me, I had let you go as a possible lover long ago, the day you told me, your heart is in someone elses hands...I let my grasp as a woman in love go...
 
Yet, despite everything...I would not let go of you as a possibility of a friend. I kept you there and that was my mistake...you stepped back halfway...I should have made you step back fully..then..that same day...I should have let it all go...so my heart could have hurt once and only once...but I didn't. Do you know why? Because despite the hurt I did not want to upset you..I knew that if I did what you did to me, it would upset you, I mean it had a few weeks back...remember? Remember when I did it? that first time..how hurt you were? Well multiply that by a whole lot, and that is how I felt...THREE times. But again..it was my fault, for trying to make you happy, for trying to be something to you that I couldnt be.
 
You asked me, Would you let someone in when you dont want to? When you cant? Look back my love, and you will have your answer. Did I not try? Did I not attempt to be your friend, even though in my heart I knew I could not be to you, the friend I know I can be? How many times my love did I tell you..I love you, how many times did I ask you, if you wanted me to stop loving you? No, my love, the issue wasnt only that I didnt care to listen..the issue was that NEITHER of us WANTED to listen.
 
You wanted me to be your friend, I want you to be my lover...you said friendship is forever, I said true love is forever....
 
Well I guess both our "theories" FAILED! Mine failed because of you, and yours failed because of me...isnt that something. You set out to prove your theory and I disproved it...I set out to prove mine and you disproved it...the difference is that you will make new friends, while I have no desire to ever love again. I now know that love exists, but you were right all along, love destroys, whatever is done in the name of love destroys the soul, the human, the mind. I don't ever want to feel the hurt that all this has caused.  
 
I do miss you, the friend that is...I really do, as I have said, I had given up on the possibility "love" but not on the possibility of friendship...but I guess you did...
 
I respect and accept your goodbye....
 
Forever?
 
"Forever is a long time, nothing is forever"


....chelitta

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Por lo menos un Adios...

Una semana antes de mi graduacion de bachillerato, la cual marcaria el regreso indefinido a Estados Unidos, mi papa y unos amigos estaban tomando en la casa.

Yo venia de jugar un partido amistoso de soccer. Entre y al verlos me acuerdo que me entro bastante colera, y solo me fui de pasada sin saludar, ni regresar ningun saludo. Me bane, me arregle y sali rumbo a una fiesta de despedida que me habia organizado el equipo. Cuando sali tampoco me despedi, de nadie, aunq varios me dijeron adios, no les conteste.

Para cuando regrese ya mi padre estaba "fondiado" y sus amigos ya se habian marchado.

Al dia siguiente, ya cuando ya resaca le habia medio pasado, me hablo que lo acompanara a su "despacho".
Fue ahi donde el me dio una de las (pocas) lecciones que me han quedado grabadas y sembradas en la cabeza.

Karlita, que soy yo para vos? me pregunto en tono asi de decepcion. Confieso que cuando me pregunto eso pense que se habia dado cuenta del gran desorden publico que hicimos en la fiesta, y ya tenia mi excusa perfecta en la punta de la lengua si ese era el caso. Mi papa, le conteste. Y eso tiene importancia alguna en tu vida, me pregunto el. Ya medio nerviosa le conteste, Si papi como crees que no. Entonces? me pregunto..entonces que papi q paso? Entonces por que no me saludaste ni te despediste ayer? Por que estabas chupando con tus amigos, conteste ya enojada.

Ok, me dijo el..y mis amigos y yo no somos seres humanos que merecen respeto? El hecho que en TU mente no lleguemos a mas que unos mal vividos borrachos, no quiere decir que no seamos merecedores de un saludo, ni de una despedida. ...JAMAS Karla entres a un lugar, o mires a alguien sin saludar, y JAMAS te vayas de un lugar ni pases al lado de alguien sin despedirte. JAMAS.

Mario, cual es la diferencia, whats the big deal?

El big deal Karlita, es que todo ser humano, por mas inmundo que sea (para VOS) merece ser tratado como ser humano, por que para vos puede ser lo mas bajo, pero para otros es lo maximo, o me vas a decir que si el dia de manana me ves tirado en la cuneta y alguien pasa y me tira una patada, a vos no te va a doler? Soy tu papa, y me decis que me queres, aunq sea bolo y todo pero q soy para vos? Mi papa, conteste..aja me dijo para VOS soy tu papa, pero para el que me dio la patada no, al darme la patada a mi ...te la esta dando a vos, y de peor forma, por que yo, estoy bolo, tal vez ni la sienta..pero vos...al verla...te la estarian dando al alma...y el alma tiene mas sensaciones que cualquiere cuerpo podra tener.

Entonces Karlita, nunca entres a un lugar sin saludar, por que es falta de respeto, no a tu papa el bolo, pero a Mario, el ser humano.

Lo mismo al despedirte...nunca salgas de un lugar sin despedirte, por que nunca sabes si vas a volver a ver a esa persona o personas, y nunca sabes si ellos tienen algo que te quieran decir..y no van a tener otra oportunidad de decirlo. Lo mismo, si ves que alguien se va sin despedirse alcanzalo y despedite, no sabes si se va por que se siente mal, o que, y asi por lo menos le demostrastes q significa lo suficiente como para despedirse.

Acordate, se trata de ver al SER HUMANO, no al titlulo, el sexo, calidad etc...lo que para VOS es insignificante para otros no lo es.

Anoche..el chepe se queria despedir de vos...hoy se regreso a Mexico, y para cuando regrese ya no vas a estar, hija...que sabes si nunca lo vas a ver...y tan bien q se porto con vos. Como me dejaste a mi hija? Como quede yo? Acordate q vos tenes que ser la mejor representacion en el mundo de mi. Sos lo mejor de mi y por ende tenes que comportarte como tal.

Ese dia mi papa me hizo llorar..por que sus palabras me dolieron mucho mas que si mi mama hubiera agarrado el cincho y me hubiese pegado. Tenia mucha razon, los golpes al alma duelen mucho mas que los golpes al cuerpo...

Now 13 years later...se lo que sintieron esos hombres...ahora entiendo las palabras de mi padre...

Para Ud. fui solo un malestar...eso ya lo sabia...Ud decia que no ..pero yo sabia que si, yo se que yo no fui para Ud. lo que Ud para mi...pero soy al fin de cuentas un ser humano...bueno, malo, loco, enojado, impulsivo...lo que sea...soy un ser humano ..y si para Ud no fui mas que un zero a la izquierda...para mucha gente no lo soy....y eso merece....por lo menos un adios.

...chelitta