Forever?

Before you start reading, I want you to know, my dear readers all 3 of them plus the other ones that randomly read me...that this has been one of my hardest post to write. See I usually sit down and type however it is that my thoughts flow, and it isnt until after I post that I sometimes edit, after I read it a few times..well this one..has been rewritten 4 times...the first time I wrote it ..it was full of anger and hurt, so I didnt post it but kept it as a draft, the second time I edited it turned out to be more like a love letter than anything and that is something that I also didnt want...the third time..it was more like a questionaire type thing..and I know the questions will never be answered so there was no point...and thus ..we have this fourth attempt...which I think turned out good because it is a combination of all three...so here goes...

"Everything that has a beginning has an end".

 

Yes it surely does, and you put an end to whatever connection was left between us. I will not lie and say it didn't hurt because it did. It hurt more than it did 5 weeks ago, because I know what this means. I know that now, there really isnt anything left to hold on to, not even what you so graciously offered me, one to many times...your friendship.

 

You are right about a whole lot of things, but you are also wrong on others, but so was I.

 Looking back, I think my mistake was to try and make you happy. If I would have stuck with my gut instinct, if I would have not given in, this whole situation would have been avoided. My heart would not be wounded and you would have never been agravated the way you were. If, and only if, I would have never let you back in, if I would have held my stand and said, No, my love,  I can't be your friend, my heart doesn't understand reason and will not give you a friendship. I would not be sitting here typing about the hurt I caused myself.

 

Yes, I can no longer put 100% of the blame on you, my love. It was both of us. Me for allowing the situation, and you for not understanding and wanting to make something out of nothing. Yes, you are right, you told me, day in and day out that you could not and would not offer anything other than friendship, but looking back, I did too...I told you, day in and day out that I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU and that I could never see you as a friend. How many times? Tell me how many times? As many times as you told me that you could not offer anything more than friendship..if not more. Yet you kept insisting, on something I could not offer you. It was not just about me wanting something you couldnt offer, my love. It was about BOTH of us wanting something NEITHER of us could give. You wanting a friend out of me, and me wanting a lover out of you.

 

How many times did I ask you for time? If that time would have been given, if you would have stepped back then, instead of now my heart would have not have been wounded as it has. Dont misunderstand me, I had let you go as a possible lover long ago, the day you told me, your heart is in someone elses hands...I let my grasp as a woman in love go...

 

Yet, despite everything...I would not let go of you as a possibility of a friend. I kept you there and that was my mistake...you stepped back halfway...I should have made you step back fully..then..that same day...I should have let it all go...so my heart could have hurt once and only once...but I didn't. Do you know why? Because despite the hurt I did not want to upset you..I knew that if I did what you did to me, it would upset you, I mean it had a few weeks back...remember? Remember when I did it? that first time..how hurt you were? Well multiply that by a whole lot, and that is how I felt...THREE times. But again..it was my fault, for trying to make you happy, for trying to be something to you that I couldnt be.

 

You asked me, Would you let someone in when you dont want to? When you cant? Look back my love, and you will have your answer. Did I not try? Did I not attempt to be your friend, even though in my heart I knew I could not be to you, the friend I know I can be? How many times my love did I tell you..I love you, how many times did I ask you, if you wanted me to stop loving you? No, my love, the issue wasnt only that I didnt care to listen..the issue was that NEITHER of us WANTED to listen.

 

You wanted me to be your friend, I want you to be my lover...you said friendship is forever, I said true love is forever....

 

Well I guess both our "theories" FAILED! Mine failed because of you, and yours failed because of me...isnt that something. You set out to prove your theory and I disproved it...I set out to prove mine and you disproved it...the difference is that you will make new friends, while I have no desire to ever love again. I now know that love exists, but you were right all along, love destroys, whatever is done in the name of love destroys the soul, the human, the mind. I don't ever want to feel the hurt that all this has caused.  

 

I do miss you, the friend that is...I really do, as I have said, I had given up on the possibility "love" but not on the possibility of friendship...but I guess you did...

 

I respect and accept your goodbye....

 

Forever?

 

"Forever is a long time, nothing is forever"


....chelitta