Fucked up Shit!

Yes, that is what is happening in my life right now... some fucked up shit. How I get myself in these fucked up situations, I have no idea. The thing is ... I cant deal with it. I am beyond confused at this point. For example, I might as well be the poster child for Pavlov's classical conditioning. I hear the piano being played and I can not help but cry. Tears just fill my eyes, doesn't matter if its a happy song or just someone fooling around with the keys. It hurts. It makes me miss someone. It makes me think of all the hurt.

This last week has been difficult. Very much. Not only have I lost my best friend, I lost another good friend...I am confused. I am hurt and I don't know what the hell to do. Six months ago I left for El Salvador to heal and to grow and to find peace and to prepare myself to start dating. I found inspiration and new belief in the Universe. When I came back I opened myself up to new possibilities.  What a mistake. I should've just stayed put.I should've never looked for anything.

My once best friend always told me, "be careful what you wish for"... and oh was he damn right. Fuck. I went from having nobody to having multiple somebodies. The thing is they all wanted one thing. Sex. Which is fuckin fine. Like I don't care. Some were more honest than others. There is where the problem lies. I waited for so long for something that honestly, wasn't realistic. So I went for the next best thing and I got burnt. Hella.

Then something happened. Something that I never anticipated, never imagined, never thought possible. I found  myself between 2 brothers. Thing is, I am not going to lie, I like both of them. One for his intellect, the other for his looks. Which is kind of shady. I know. See that's the thing, I know. The thing is.. and this is the big thing... the one with the intellect, didn't want me, I mean he did, but he didn't. Its not like he didn't have a chance, he did, and I accepted everything about him. I never asked him to change. Then there's the brother, and while physically he is just mmm... I feel like I am in some type of time warp or some shit when I talk to him. I feel like I am talking to a high school kid at times, but then there are others where he is just so coherent and eloquent that I'm like ... are you just faking who you are?

The problem is. I hurt one of them. Unwillingly. Though I can sit here and argue that technically its his fault for not saying at any point that he had feeling, I am not. I should have never laid eyes on his brother. I should have never let my attraction for him be stronger than any morality I have left. I am not a bad woman. I am not a whore. Yes I like sex, after 7 years and then having it, yes I like it again. No, I don't believe in waiting for marriage. No, I don't believe in God. This doesn't make me bad or unworthy, does it? So, why do I feel as such? Why do I feel like I should be punished? Why do I feel like I am doing something wrong?

I had feelings for the first one, I did. Deep feelings. Feelings that he put to rest, he made me get rid of them with his coldness, with his refusal to accept he had feeling. For some time, I thought that the universe was bringing us together, it suddenly separated us, drastically. Beyond repair maybe. I don't know. I hope not.

Meanwhile, I am just riding thing damn wave. I don't know where it will take me. I don't know if at the end I will be worse off than I was 7 years ago when I wanted to just end it all. I don't know if I will make it through another heart break. I'm just letting it be. For once I will not think of anyone else but myself, because nobody ever seems to take me into consideration...

For once I will try to be happy...