So, I thought a million and one times how to write this entry. Only because inevitably I will have to touch such a sensitive topic and I might just say something offensive. BUT...I cant erase the months Of January to June...which were the worst of all, it wouldn't be a complete recap and well, it's over and done with so ...might as well right?
So here goes...
The year started off ...well with me falling in love with a man that I had never met. Why? Beats the shit out of me. Seriously sometimes, when my mind has enough time to think about it, I ask myself how and why..and I cant seem to come to a logical explanation to it. Its not like I met him we talked and talked forever and it just happened ...it was more like...I met him something happened and I fell in love. Now if anybody can explain what the fuck that something was I would really truly appreciate it.
The thing is, "it" wasn't meant to be. If you refer back to my earlier entries you'll get the whole story, but for the sake of time and to avoid opening a can of worms ..lets just leave it at ...my heart was broken into a million pieces by a stranger that didn't have the guts to be upfront from day one.
You would think that I have hate for this man, to whom I willingly offered my heart to and all he did was break it. I don't. I can not hate him although I have tried endlessly to do so. Do not ask me why I cant hate him, ok maybe not hate him but at least have some type of resentment towards him. I don't. I know I should but it just doesn't happen.
Anyway that alone takes up to 6 months to be over and done with. But January ends with us moving out of my parents and into our own apartment. February comes along and with it Valentines day, which I vaguely remember cuz I got drunk off my ass, if I remember correctly. I don't know if it was because I was broken hearted, or I just needed to cry. By this time I have met my "friend". Nice guy, but for some odd reason I cant see myself being with him, we tried many times to make things happen, but they just wouldn't.
March rolls along and nothing special happens during this month, OH WAIT!!! March...how can I forget...this is the month when the guy FINALLY decides to be honest. I was pretty much angry during this time. Pissed and sad what a month right? My friend and I keep seeing each other, I keep trying, he keeps waiting. My friends birthday was during this month and well I once again got drink off my ass and freaking did something with her best friends brother. I don't regret it...it was a lesson learned.
April...daddy's birthday!! which to me is always special. Besides that nothing special...happens during this month. I'm still angry, I'm still working at night, Denisse Is growing like a weed and life is just boring as hell.
May, people are starting to countdown the days until the World Cup..I had by this time made up my mind and said Spain would win...people laughed at me, I never cared. It was going to be Spain ...I just knew it. Don't ask me how. Besides that everything remains the same, May was a pretty ok month. By this time I am coming to terms with somethings and the pain is much less that it had been. I think this is the month my friend and I stopped seeing each other, what happened is something I prefer not to say. I can say, I take the blame for everything. We still talk as 2 people who know each other, but there are things that a mans pride just can not forgive, and I understand this.
JUNE!!! The world cup!!! That's all the world talks about. I went to the beach for a day and got burnt like a cherry tomato. We went to mini vacation to Lake Tahoe with the family. It was an ok month. My Auri was getting ready for her wedding and I kept asking her about the dress and she kept putting it off. By this time, my heart bled in silence. I had decided not to talk about it, think about it nothing!!! My marriage took a horrible turn for the worse. At this point I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing more to salvage but I am still hesitant to file for divorce.
July!!! HOT month...SPAIN IS WORLD CUP CHAMPION!! I always told everyone. SO take that!! Still working nights, my facebook account has been officially closed. Why? Ok here is the honest truth. I cant delete some of my emails, and they just need to be deleted, for the sake of my mental and emotional sanity. There I said it. I had tried many many times to delete them and I couldn't, and sometimes I would fine myself reading them, and that would just break my heart over and over. July ends with me being all nervous about the wedding, and me being very sick in the last few days...I am told by my doctor that I can either have my uterus taken out, or be on hormone therapy for a max of 5 years to control the bleeding. I want another child, the uncertainty of not knowing whether or not I will have one tears my heart apart.
August...the wedding. I hadn't seen my friend in forever, and we had to see each other on that day. He was civil about it, we went to lunch and talked and came to the agreement to put aside everything for our friend. SO the day came, mind you at this time I had put an ad on craiglist and seen a few guys, but nothing ever came out of it. I still wasn't ready I guess. The wedding was beautiful, I had to make my maid of honor speech, which I didn't write, I must confess...teehee...it was written by...the guy, yes that guy. I don't remember exactly when, or why ..but we eventually started "talking" again, it was like ok lets forget about what happened and start from scratch again. We never really said anything like that but that's kinda how it happened. Eventually we made an agreement not to talk about what happened, well it was more like I decided it. So we don't talk about it, and when the very rare occasion arises that it does I tend to change the subject. I am not ready to be "civil" about it yet. Getting back to the wedding, the wedding came and when I saw that man in his suit ..all I can say was DAMN! He looked FINE AS HELL...but for some stupid reason ...I still couldn't. We danced and something kept me from melting in his arms. I decided to leave early. Auri got a little upset...but I just couldn't stay. I felt that something that I might regret later would have happened, the beach, the alcohol, the loneliness, they were all ingredients for something regrettable. Denisse started preschool this month. :') ...my baby is no longer a baby. She loves it!
SEPTEMBER!! The month I hate forever. Nothing happened during this month only that I turned 31. OH WAIT!!! My schedule changed. I am now working days. It was hard and stressful at first but it was for the best. I was told by Denisse teachers that she may be eligible for the gifted program...I am hesitant because I don't want to push my child too much, but eventually I decide to have her evaluated. I also started seeing a therapist. There were somethings I wasn't getting over and I started to think that I was going crazy or that I was crazy. Turned out I wasn't.
October...Denisse gets evaluated. She is gifted. Great right? Well I was proud but at the same time I know what this means, eventually my child will be too smart for her own good. She will be 2 steps ahead or at least she will try. We will see how it goes. She was Tinkerbell for Halloween. Very cute. At work everything was going nice and dandy until they decided to use iPads. Whatever I am over it now. I also Filed for divorce this month. I also left twitter this month as well...only for 30 days, but I had to have some brainwashing.
November!!! Denisse Birthday!!! We went to Disney and she very much enjoyed it. My friend which had left back in August to Brazil, emailed me after a long time. He had promised to write everyday and he did...until I asked him to please not do so anymore. I just got so frustrated with myself it wasn't good, so when I got his email I knew it was important. It was to tell me that he had met someone. I was honestly happy for him and my reaction actually pissed him off. We have not talked since then. We have to go to couples therapy its a requirement. Es por gusto. This isn't fixable.
Finally December..I got my apartment, makes me nervous, its the beginning of a new life. Eventually it will just be Denisse and I. I have started thinking that maybe, there is no point of changing anything, but then something happens and it reminds me of how unhappy I am. This year has been the saddest of my life. My heart finally stopped bleeding, but it has been frozen in time. Sometimes I feel the warm blood trying to thaw it, but then I refreeze it, I just have to.
What will the new year hold? Probably nothing...one thing is for sure. I will not hurt like I did this year. I don't want to fall in love the way I did. EVER. I am now scared to love. Scared to find someone and not be able to love him like he deserves, scared because I don't want to hurt as much as I have. ...
Denisse is my priority. She will be until she decides to make her own life. There is no time to think of me anymore. I am no longer my own priority...I am no ones priority...
Best Wishes for the New Year!!!
....chelitta
