Its about you...*

Before I begin, this is something that randomly popped in my head. I have nobody in mind. Just a man. A man that will love me and make me feel comfortable about myself. He is not in my life, but if he ever is, this would be great. Enjoy! ...(this has been sitting on my drafts since 2013..completed on 5/20/15.. Still no man)

We are sitting on the floor, against the sofa, watching TV,  I am I between your legs and leaning against you. Your hands are wrapped around me and mine are caressing your arms. Its blissful. Up until now nothing has happened between us...and both of us are OK with that...

Suddenly I feel your hands wandering towards  my breasts I quickly try to push them away. Gently your hands take mine and you tell me everything will be alright. Hesitant I let go, its been so long since I've let a man get that far. I am scared. I can feel my body start to tense up. Your hands have reached my breasts, and my body reacts to your touch ...

Without realizing it .. Your mouth has made its way to my neck and I quickly try to free myself from you... I want you... I want to feel you...but I am too scared. Gently, you push me against you, tell me not to be scared... I turn towards u...and after looking into each others eyes and with both of us going crazy nervous we embrace in a shy kiss... Which quickly becomes passionate... Your hands begin to move under my clothes ... I still try to control them... But I can feel myself giving in...

I feel something I haven't felt in a long time ...I feel myself warm with moisture ...I feel myself pulsating and longing to be touched ... As if your hand knew this ...it reached the spot and I couldn't help but let out a soft moan ...its been too long...

I turn around... We are face to face and our shirts come off..our hands exploring our bodies and they give in to our touch... I am straddling you...I can feel u under me... I want to feel every inch of u deep inside me... I look at u ... Embarrassed by the thoughts I'm having... I try to look away ...but ur mouth finds mine again...

I undo ur pant button.. U undo mine...they come off..along with any other clothing that remained...I kiss you as I raise myself.. Enough for u to slide in. Again ... I can't help but moan ... Finally ... After all this time I am feeling alive ... I start riding you...your hands on my thighs ... Pacing me ...ur mouth finding my breasts in between the rhythm of our bodies ... You feel so right ... I feel the tickle of pleasure inside me ...

... I am losing control... I stop... You ask what's wrong ...I tell you ...that I am not far from reaching the end... U tell me ..with a smile on your face ... That you'll let me have this one ... "It's all about you" ...u say ... And add that we'll worry about you later ... You kiss me ... I let go ...surrendering to you... All of you...

A confession of hate.

I have a confession. It is one I am not proud of. It is one I have kept secret (or tried to) for a long time. There is one person I hate in this universe. I have more than enough reasons to hate more than one person. I have been wronged in so many ways by so many people. I have physical and emotional scars that possibly will never heal. Scars that no human being should ever have. Yet, I do not hate the people that have given them to me.

I do not hate the man that forced me to be with him for so long. I do not hate those two men in the "alley". I do not hate the woman that has forever made my life a living hell. I do not hate my ex-husband. No. I do not hate any of them.

Hate is such a strong word I almost never use it. When I do, it is in the literal sense. I dislike people who use it liberally. It is not  a word to be taken lightly.  Having said this I confess...

...I hate myself.

How can I not feel hate towards myself? Its hate by association...kind of. Like when you belong to a group, or have a friend that hates someone/something, you are so close to them that their likes become your likes, their hate becomes your hate. Yes, it is a sign of a weak personality, since you cant have or make your own opinions. Maybe I am weak. Weak enough  that I have grown to hate myself, thanks to all of those who have and continue to hate me.

I hate the way I look. I hate the way I sound. I hate the way I feel.

Yet, I am proof that the old saying you cant love someone else if you don't love yourself is WRONG! I will never allow anyone to tell me I do not know how to love. I think I know how to love more than a lot of people who claim to love someone do.

Why? Because that's how I would want someone to make me feel. I would want someone to want MY happiness over their own. I would want  someone to write infinite love letters. Receive hugs galore, and kisses, lots and lots of kisses. I want someone to make me smile.

Not only do I know how to love others, that are not related to me, but I know what it is to love m daughter. I have have and will continue to do anything and everything for her.

I do know what love is. I do know how to feel love. I have loved and given it my all. If the two men I have ever said "I love you" to have the nerve to say that I don't know how to love, then THEY don't know what love is.

Love is giving your all. Love is about being a compliment, no a completion. Its about being and letting be. Its about guiding, not pushing or forcing. Love is about letting go. Love is about removing yourself to let your loved one be happy, even if they see it otherwise.

Love is not about how many times you have said it, its about how many times you've showed it. It isn't about how many times you've slept with someone, its about how many nights you've stayed up talking to them, endlessly. Love is not about how much money or how many gifts you give or receive,  its about those gifts money cant buy, like time. I rather spend all day with someone than give them a gift. What is more precious than time? NOTHING...you can't buy time and though time itself is endless, the amount given to us isn't. One day, our time will be up.

No, I may not love myself, but I do and have loved.

Maybe..one day I will learn how to love myself...by association.

...chelitta

Pretends...

She wakes up in the morning...takes a shower...barely looks at herself in the mirror...
She hates what she sees when she does, she hates to see the failure in her eyes.
She looks down and sees the scars life has left her.
Her heart is no longer able to take in anymore of what life is throwing at her.

She gets up, and tells herself to make it through the day. Just that day, not to worry  about tomorrow, it doesnt exist.

She takes a deep breath and pretends. Pretends she's happy. Pretends there is no pain in her heart. That everything is OK. She pretends she has everything straight, that her stomach doesn't hurt, that her head isnt going to explode. She puts a smile on her face. If anyone bothered looking into her eyes, into her soul, they would see it is just a lie. 

She pretends his words dont hurt. 

She pretends her words dont hurt. 

She pretends her heart doesnt feel.

She pretends their words havent taken away what little was left.

She has decided to walk away from everything. There is no point in staying where she isnt wanted, appreciated. Where she is taken for granted. This world isnt for her. She will create her own. Just herself and possibly her daughter. 

She will continue her life as if nothing is going on. She will no longer tell anyone of her problems, her sorrow, her self hate.

To the world she will be fine...while she just pretends....

Make Love to Me

I haven't been with a man in a very long time. I am waiting for the right person. Ideally I would like to be in love the next time that happens. Hopefully it'll be sooner rather than later. A lot of men, often think that everything would be much easier if a woman would tell him what she wants. Well here is what I want. If it'll happen like that, I doubt it, but its always good to hope.

 

 

Make love to me. I will be nervous, maybe shaking. Comfort me. Kiss me, passionately, press me hard against your body, feel my heart beat. Realize how hard it is for me to be there, with you, vulnerable.

I will be afraid. Afraid of giving you my all and getting nothing in return. Afraid that once my clothes are off you will be turned off. Afraid of loving you more. Afraid of feeling you. Just Afraid. Talk to me, reassure me that you want to be there as much as I do. Be patient, don't rush. I don't like to be rushed. Its just you, me our bodies and our souls.

Undress me slowly. Close the curtains and turn off the lights, for this one time. I am uncomfortable with my body, you may want to see it, you will in time. For now, just let me be comfortable. Touch me, every inch of me. Let me feel your hands on my body. Let me touch you, let me get to know your body, to your reactions.

Once you are inside. Be slow, be gentle. Take your time. Pace yourself. I want to feel you. From time to time, look into my eyes, it'll assure me that you are there, all of you, your mind, your body and your soul. Talk to me. Tell me what you want from me, I am not there only to receive but to give. I want you to want me, as much as I want you. There are things I haven't done, I want to learn, in time, learn them with you.

When its all said and done, I will want to get up and leave. If you are there for the long run, don't let me leave. Hold me tight, just hold me. Tell me you enjoyed me. Kiss me...just be there with me. Tell me you love me or are willing to love me.

...chelitta



I have my closure

It has been more than four years. More than four years since my heart was broken and the pieces left on the floor to be picked up.

 

I have thought of the man, that broke my heart more often than not. I loved him for a long time. Yes its hard to believe one can fall in love with a man that one has never met. It happened to me though. I don't know what was of him. If he lives or has died. If he got married to the woman he loved. If that woman ever existed. I don't know, and now I can say I don't care.

 

I don't love him anymore. The experience has taught me a lot. Things shouldn't be forced. He was right. Some people were never meant to be lovers. Him and I weren't. I am happy we weren't.  Him and I would have never worked out. We come from different places. Different times. Different ideology.

 

He was wrong on one thing though. It didn't taken someone else to get him out of my heart. Time took care of that. Yes I still think of him, but there is nothing left in my heart for him. My heart is mine again. Its not yet fixed but it is almost there. 

 

I don't know if I will ever love like that again, if I will ever risk telling a man my feelings. I don't know if I will ever find another man, that I can give my heart to again. I don't know. The only thing I know, is that I am free again. Free to love, to feel, to want.

 

I finally have my closure. I can finally finish the chapter and move on. I don't know if I will close this blog. Reading my past doesn't help but I guess closing it wont erase it either...

 

 

...chelitta