A confession of hate.

I have a confession. It is one I am not proud of. It is one I have kept secret (or tried to) for a long time. There is one person I hate in this universe. I have more than enough reasons to hate more than one person. I have been wronged in so many ways by so many people. I have physical and emotional scars that possibly will never heal. Scars that no human being should ever have. Yet, I do not hate the people that have given them to me.

I do not hate the man that forced me to be with him for so long. I do not hate those two men in the "alley". I do not hate the woman that has forever made my life a living hell. I do not hate my ex-husband. No. I do not hate any of them.

Hate is such a strong word I almost never use it. When I do, it is in the literal sense. I dislike people who use it liberally. It is not  a word to be taken lightly.  Having said this I confess...

...I hate myself.

How can I not feel hate towards myself? Its hate by association...kind of. Like when you belong to a group, or have a friend that hates someone/something, you are so close to them that their likes become your likes, their hate becomes your hate. Yes, it is a sign of a weak personality, since you cant have or make your own opinions. Maybe I am weak. Weak enough  that I have grown to hate myself, thanks to all of those who have and continue to hate me.

I hate the way I look. I hate the way I sound. I hate the way I feel.

Yet, I am proof that the old saying you cant love someone else if you don't love yourself is WRONG! I will never allow anyone to tell me I do not know how to love. I think I know how to love more than a lot of people who claim to love someone do.

Why? Because that's how I would want someone to make me feel. I would want someone to want MY happiness over their own. I would want  someone to write infinite love letters. Receive hugs galore, and kisses, lots and lots of kisses. I want someone to make me smile.

Not only do I know how to love others, that are not related to me, but I know what it is to love m daughter. I have have and will continue to do anything and everything for her.

I do know what love is. I do know how to feel love. I have loved and given it my all. If the two men I have ever said "I love you" to have the nerve to say that I don't know how to love, then THEY don't know what love is.

Love is giving your all. Love is about being a compliment, no a completion. Its about being and letting be. Its about guiding, not pushing or forcing. Love is about letting go. Love is about removing yourself to let your loved one be happy, even if they see it otherwise.

Love is not about how many times you have said it, its about how many times you've showed it. It isn't about how many times you've slept with someone, its about how many nights you've stayed up talking to them, endlessly. Love is not about how much money or how many gifts you give or receive,  its about those gifts money cant buy, like time. I rather spend all day with someone than give them a gift. What is more precious than time? NOTHING...you can't buy time and though time itself is endless, the amount given to us isn't. One day, our time will be up.

No, I may not love myself, but I do and have loved.

Maybe..one day I will learn how to love myself...by association.

...chelitta