Go Back?

Lately ...I have read and heard of many people saying that they wish they could go back in time...and while I have never wished to go back and change something...It got me thinking...

Its not that I don't wish that some things wouldn't have happened or that others had...its just that whatever happened to me, whether good, bad, hurtful, etc is what has made me into the person I am ...today...and even though I may not be the most normal person in the world...I sure as hell am very proud of myself...

But still...if I were to choose ONE thing ...I don't know what it would be..and then I think ...what in all my life have I lived that I haven't learned something from ..as painful as it may have been..i learned and I grew from it ...except...

That lately ...I wish ...that ...

*sigh* ...

Never mind...I'm sorry ...I am leaving this post unfinished...because what I want to say shouldn't be said...people come in our lives for a reason...its just that sometimes we don't know that reason...

...chelitta

"Closure"

For those of you that have been following me on twitter ...you guys have noticed that for the past 2 weeks or so ...I have been talking about getting "closure" ...some of you well maybe 2 of you know what the hell I'm talking about, others...are left confused and some don't even care.

Well, for those who have followed this blog since the beginnings well ...may also know...

Theres this "thing" that happened like a year ago...a little over...I guess...well no it didn't happen...anyway the thing is ..you know when you kind of start a new chapter without completely finishing the previous one...cuz you think its not necessary and then in the middle of the next chapter you're like...fuck I should have finished that chapter ...but you're already too far along the next chapter that you think its not worth it...but you still have that bothering you and its like you keep wanting to move forward but you feel that chip on your shoulders...

Well ...

That kinda explains what I feel ...see ...when it happened I closed up and didn't want to talk about it..in time the person and I talked again and this person would sometimes bring the subject up subtle ..but I would quickly ask to change the subject ..it was uncomfortable for me to talk to him about it..I dunno...I just didn't want to fight or open a chapter that I thought had been closed...eventually I had to go to therapy, for more reasons than one and even my therapist, as you guys recall...told me to get my closure, that as much as I tried to move on if I didn't close the chapter completely then I would always feel like I had something to say and didn't...well...she was right...

Over a year later here I am ...wanting my closure. Sometimes I wonder if when he tried to talk about it, it was his attempt of getting his closure, or if he in some way knew I needed mine even though I thought I didn't...either way I wasn't ready ...and now it may be too late...

I have typed up and email...and its in my drafts and has been sitting there for the past 3 weeks...ready to be sent ...but when it comes to it...I can't...I don't want to change anything it says because its what I felt...and what I feel...but it may be misinterpreted...as me being angry still or even hurt, and even though I openly admit that yeah sometimes it does still hurt...it way better than it was before...so that's why I wonder if its even worth it...

There is nothing to lose...I mean at least I don't think there is ...I just need to feel that there wasn't anything left to be said...and as long as I feel I held back a few things I will never get that sense of closure...and it may have not meant anything to the other person...ultimately its not about him...its about me...

but for some reason...I can't

*sigh*

...chelitta

Opinion

So ...I have something  to say...and for some it may be "anti-American" what ever the hell that means now a days...

Its regarding ...the death of well..we all know who...by now and if u don't well maybe u live under a rock...Osama Bin Laden.

I am not happy, nor do I feel relieved that he is dead, nor do I feel a great satisfaction, and honestly if any one had any type of sense...they shouldn't, I do not agree with what the man did, he hurt many many people...and yes they all deserved justice and they all deserved peace, but in all honesty this will not bring a person back nor will it make the world a better place, in fact ...everyone is on maximum alert and waiting for retaliation...which is expected.

I don't believe in God, so I am not going to say that there is only one person who has the right to provide justice by killing, but that certainly brings me to my next question...I wonder how many anti-abortion people celebrated his death...which would be very hypocritical, I mean killing is killing, period. Whether its an unborn baby, or an old man ...if you are going to call a woman a killer for "killing" an unborn child, then the person or people who killed the man are killers as well...I wonder how many Christians "celebrated" his death, people who day in and day out preach peace and that do believe in the justice of God...any way...that doesn't matter...that's not even my point at this time...

My point is ...well...how can people "celebrate" the death of ONE man...when here in the United States of America....kids are being bullied in schools to the point of killing themselves under the pressure, women are being emotionally and physically abused every day by their abusive spouses or significant others,  immigrants are being attacked because of the bigot thinking of some,  children are going to bed hungry because there wasn't enough to eat...did the death of this man, who yes, I agree caused terror, solve any of the problems that the people in the U.S live every single day of their lives? Women who have to look over their shoulder afraid that their abusive lover is coming after her...will that put some more food on that child's plate? Will that stop "Joey" from tantalizing "Harry" in school...etc...I honestly don't think so.

That's why when I heard of the mans death, my words were..."oh well". Yes I was curious, yes I watched CNN and watched the President announce his death, awesome speech btw, but well everyone knew that one day it was going happen, the man was going to be caught either dead or alive that was a given.

The man is dead and hopefully  the victims of that tragic day got some peace. although I know that memories as tragic as those can not be erased by time ..hopefully they feel that at least some justice is served, because every one else, seems to think that they should or they do for them...and If they don't...then who are we to say that they are ungrateful... 

well that is my opinion...I wonder if any one ever comes across this blog and reads this thinks I should die along with the man...or what not...

...chelitta