Come back in

I closed the door...but didnt lock it...if you want to come in...just open the door....

Come back in....

chelitta

I dont want this

Its been five days, five long days....I still have 2 other posts that I can not finish...will not finish ...this is too hard for me...the hardest thing, knowing that it has not been hard for you at all. So much for your friendship talk, guess the wind blew those away.

Are you hurt? I would be too...but I thought it was the only way, I was wrong, it has been harder, but I guess for the better because I have realized, finally, that to you I was never important.

I dont want this anymore, you hurt so much, I dont want to feel what I do, for someone that never appreciated it. I dont want to love you, because you dont deserve my love, but how do I tell that to a brain that doesnt stop thinking of you, doesnt stop hurting.

I still dont understand why this has been so hard. I DONT KNOW YOU, I never touched you, never heard your voice, NEVER....but does "love have an explanation? I dont know...all I can say is that love shouldnt hurt this much ...I hope you find love one day, and that someone makes you believe in it again....because I didnt think it existed....until I met you ....

Now...after looking for it ...I dont want it....because it hurts....

....chelitta

My love....

I let you go ...knowing you will never be back ....but just know that you will always be with me on my journey...even though I was never part of yours....

Maybe

El sentimiento profundo q te tuve (el cual nunca llegastes a ver ni entender), poco a poco se desaparece entre las nubes, hasta llegar al infinito, donde ese supuesto "amor" solo era un maldito error...

con todo el dolor que eso implique...pero asi tiene que ser....

The preceding was a post that one of my friends shared..from her own experience...it hit home...too much..

Why? because I dont think you have a complete understanding of what I feel ..because neither do I. It has been a very tough couple days...made a very hard decision, and trying to tell my brain to stop thinking of you.

But like my friends statement says..little by little you are becoming part of my past, and it is hurting...only because "it" was never given a chance.  As it started blossoming its branches were trimmed, cut, the flowers of hope and illusion never even became buds.

Was it for the best? Maybe, but the truth is that  living with what ifs is the hardest part of this. What if, it would have been given a chance? What if we would have let "it" blossom? This is something we will never know...I understand that for you it does not matter...that "this" means nothing to you...I know that in your mind "it" wasnt meant to be lived the way it would have to be...if it would have become a reality...

So maybe, it would have been an error, maybe at the end the fruits of it would have been been left to rot, and nothing good would have come out of it ....maybe, you and I were never supposed to be togther, maybe you are just an illusion...maybe you were just put into my life to keep a space warm for someone that does want and isnt afraid to show me thats "it" does exist...that wants to let the tree of love blossom, that rather than trim its branches completely, he shapes them, nourishes them, so that from the beginning they grow strong...making it everlasting and beautiful....

Maybe...or maybe not.....we will never know...or will we?

...chelitta

Goodbye

I have decided...and there is nothing that will make me turn back. I have given it much thought more than it really had to.

The decision saddens me, because it only shows my weakness in character, it shows where I stand as a person, as a human, as a woman.

To think I am giving up 'happiness' for something I do not possess, for something I do not believe in, for something that does not exist.

I am giving it up because, it is not in my nature to sell my smiles, my time, my soul, my heart.

Thus I say goodbye, to a life of luxury, to endless trips wherever my heart desires. I am saying good bye to the best education anywhere in the world for my child, I am saying good bye to not having to work again. I am saying good bye to you, as I know that after this I will never know of you, but as always and as I did that night..I wish you the best...because you deserve it...

Thank you kind sir, for considering me for the position of companion, thank you for 10 years ago, thank you for the past 2 months, thank you for taking a chance...I apologize for my refusal...

I am turning you and all the wonderful things you offer me and my child down....and trading it in for a broken heart...

.....chelitta

Decisions

 Life is never simple, it cant ever be black and white, it is filled with one too many colors as far as I'm concerend. That saying, you cant have the cake and eat it too....so true, well at least for me.

I cant have you, thats a fact that in the past couple of days I have embraced. There are too many obstacles to overcome and I am much to drained to take them on, if anything were to happen.

As life should have it, there is always something in the road that makes everthing even more complicated. In this case a someone, from a time in my life that is such a blurr, yet his presence made a huge difference in it.

He has come back, and wants to take me away. He wants to take me to a place that is still behind in times as far as my advanced intellectual state is concerned, but has everything to offer. He wants to take me where he can make me his "queen" and where my daughter will have a life of a "princess". Now a days, this life that is "waiting" for me, is what any woman would want and envy.

Yet I dont...because what I want, lies much closer than half a world away...but what I want doesnt want me back...and I am tired of sitting around and waiting, wanting and wishing...and so here I am 4 days away from the day I must give an answer...and though I know that the best is for me to say YES...my brain is pulling me to say NO...

So I am ...stuck between being unhappy and with nothing thinking of the what ifs that could have been, or being unhappy with everything that money can buy, still thinking of the what if that could have been. Money can put a smile on your physcial face, but not on the face of your soul.

 What I really want, is something that will fill my soul with infinite smiles, something his money can't buy....because what I want and NEED ...is YOU.

...chelitta

Never again

Never again, will tiny hands caress my stomach from the inside, Never again will tiny feet move my insides and kick me reminding me of their growth. Never again will I cry when I hear the first heartbeats of a human being.

Never will I buy endless amounts of tests to be completely sure that there was something growing inside me, never will I see my waist expand to its maximum, yet feel so good about it.

Never will I feel pain with such honor and joy, never will I enjoy being poked,  measured, checked like I did that day...never will I wait anxiously for a cry and laugh nervously upon hearing it....never again.

Never will I hold someone so tiny between my arms and know they are mine forever...never will someone need me like they do during that time.

Never will I cry upon seeing that first smile, never will I cry when hearing a tiny voice call me mami...

No, never again will I bare a child....never again ..

I will never be someones mother again, I will never have that first birthday party again, I will never help anyone walk for the first timem eat for the first time and cradle their sleep....

and for this ...my child....I will never again...take you for granted.....

....chelitta

13 años...y contando

To my english readers: sometimes, depending on the situation it is easier for me to write in spanish...this is one of the few times my thoughts are flowing in spanish...I apologize. Also, this is something I dont like to talk about, something only a few people know about in its entirety, so please no questions.

La mayoria de veces, cuando pasan cosas en la vida o se olvidan o se recuerdan para siempre. Sean buenos o sean malos se recuerdan. Yo acostumbro recordar casi todo....pero hay uno en particular que hay dias que....cierro los ojos y siento, veo y creo que fue ayer....

Yo siempre he tenido mis duditas acerca de la existencia de "Dios"...pero hace 13 años siento que esta entidad me fallo, y tal vez no le resintiera tanto si es que no hubiera sido por ir a un evento para el ...

Admito, iba tarde me dormi...no me sentia bien, recuerdo haber almorzado una ensalada nada mas...y a fuerza mi mama me hizo tomar un poco de sopa...senti revuelto el estomago...me acoste y no se que paso pero me quede dormida, hasta que mi mama a eso de las 530 de la tarde me desperto, y que no vas a ir al encuentro? Veo la hora....era tardisimo ...empezaba a las 6. Si ya voy...me sentia mal...me dormi...sin saberlo esa iba a ser la cuartada perfecta dentro de 2 horas

Me bañe, me arregle, claro una chica de 17 no solo va a estos encuentros para instruirse acerca de Dios...seamos realistas...si habia un chico que me gustaba...lista ...faltaban 5 a las 6...sali caminando...se me hizo algo raro que ya algo estaba oscurito..pero se veia q iba a llover...lo raro ...que no llovio...

Me tope con unos amigos, pare hablamos, quedamos en ir a cenar al sig dia...uuuy ya voy super tarde, te espero manana...ok bye...camine un poco mas rapido ...llegue al callejoncito,  I better take this short cut...pense en Ingles...its not that dark..

No era largo era un callejon creo que de cuadra y media....iba por la mitad...cuando te senti...me agarraste por atras...Hola Karlita, el olor a alcohol y mota me volvierona enfermar, queria vomitar ...soltame, no seas bayunco, soltame...

Date la vuelta despacito, no grites, y no me pelies...si no...escuche el click, y senti algo en la espalda. Quize salir corriendo...pero no me dejaste...te dije que no peliaras...que no entendes gringuita....soltame vos...andas cruzado...no sabes lo que haces..soltame por favor, ya voy tarde...si no llego van a salir a buscarme...saben que voy a llegar...CALLATE...me diste la vuelta y me besaste...te mordi, silbastes, tu amigo esperaba...ya sabia lo que venia...lo vi en tus ojos, en sonrisa...Karlita...no lo hagas dificil...mira ...no tiene que ser asi...dejate querer..dejame ensenarte cuanto te quiero....mi respuesta, Mejor matame...te pelie, te golpie, te mordi, grite, pero tu amigo te ayudo...me tapo la boca, y me dijo no va a ser a ti a quien voy a matar pendeja...va a ser a tu papito..fue todo...

Me hiciste como quisiste, tu amigo tambien....creo que fueron como 20 min...senti una eternidad...con que sos putiya , haber si la proxima vez que estes con el te acordas de mi....cerre los ojos, senti todo...cada vez que queria moverme tu amigo me apretaba aun mas...terminaste...va pues agarrala bien que tiene fuerza...te dijo tu amigo...el fue mas bestia que tu ....no aguante mas...llore...pero eso acaba de ser...todavia esta apretadita ella no jodas...ya apurate vos...me besaste...termino....

Gracias Karlita....decis algo y ya sabes....no creo que sea tan pendeja vos...dijo tu amigo...a ver cuando se repite....jajajaja...

No tuve tiempo de nada...ya era tarde...me subi el pantalon, me abroche el cincho, del zipper no quedo nada..me arregle la camisa...nunca llegue al encuentro....ni a la cena al sig dia

Que paso, por que venis tan rapido..pregunto mi mama....no me siento bien...vomite en el camino ...me voy a bañar...no quiero nada...me quiero dormir....

Creo tarde mucho en bañarme por que mi mama llego...estas bien...las lagrimas no me dejaban contestar...Karlita estas bien...KARLA ME LLAMO Y SI ESTOY BIEN...le grite...ah tan joven y amargada....me contesto ella....

sali del baño, apague la luz....no dormi esa noche...ni las que le seguian, paso un mes...y esperaba con ansias a la visitante mensual que manda la naturaleza....creo que jamas habia estado tan feliz de verla....

6 meses despues...sali del bachillerato....me subi a un avion....y regrese de donde nunca debi haber salido ....el pais que me adopto, que me vio crecer....

...pero lograstes lo que querias..13 años despues(1.9.10)...aun pienso en ti.....

...chelitta

Adios

Escribo este post Español por que creo se te hara mas facil entenderlo. Me disculpas mis faltas gramaticales y ortograficas.

Quiero empezar pidiendote disculpas, anoche, el sueño y el estres pudieron mas que mi razonamiento, no eres un insulto de hombre, o por lo menos no soy quien para decirte eso. Apenas y te conozco. Asi que, lo siento.

Quiero desahogarme contigo, aunque nunca sepas que este post es dirigido a ti. Mas que dolida, creo estar enojada conmigo misma. Nunca me demostraste nada para que yo me ilucionara contigo. Pero el solo hecho de ser como tu eres, basto. Lo mas triste es que ni creo que sea amor, ya que en eso deje de creer hace mucho, pero quizas de tanto que me dicen que la esperanza es lo ultimo que se pierde, bueno lo crei, mal por mi ...nunca aprendo la leccion.

Muchas personas. mujeres y hombres por igual, me dicen que el amor virtual no es nada mas que una ilucion, pero por cada persona que me dice eso, hay otra que me dice lo contario, pero ayer por cosas del destino quiza...me dijeron algo, que al igual que muchas palabras sabias se me quedo grabado...El sexo, El Amor y las facturas fueron hechos para ser fisicos, no virtuales...cuanta razon hay en eso. Pero, como si el mismo destino estuviese decidido a jugar conmigo vinieron otras palabras sabias...El amor virtual es mejor, por que va mas alla de lo superficial ...

Y ahi mismo se encuentra el gran detalle...no quiero que cuando la persona que esta a mi lado piense en mi, lo haga en forma sexual solamente, quiero que piense en mi en los momentos mas inusuales, tal como lo hago yo...contigo. Si, quisiera abrazarte, besarte y tal vez algun dia llegar a decirte un te amo a la cara...pero he aprendido, de manera muy dificil que mucha miel enferma...hasta el punto en ya no queres mas.

Estar lejos de ti seria dificil, no lo niego...pero por ilogico que suene seria lo que nos mantuviera interesados...

Pero bien..pedi señales y la vida me las mando...te estimo mucho como persona pero creo necesito borrar lo que cree sentir mi cerebro por ti y reemplazarlo con otro tipo de sentimientos...me alejo de este mundo virtual q me llevo a conocerte para no interferir con el processo, por q confieso que creo que te quiero....tal vez la vida nos permita algun dia conocernos y entre platicas te confiese que este post era para ti....

Pero hasta entonces o hasta nuevo aviso ...Adios.

Our First Meeting*

I am getting ready for you. I am in the shower, shaving my legs and whatever else is required. My heart is beating rapidly, my mind is going places where it shouldnt be. It is after all the first time we see eachother. As I step out of the shower, you call me. You are on time and are almost on your way. I start to panic, it is real. I am finally going to see you, hear you, touch you.

I get dressed, Im getting dressed with the thought of getting undressed. I am wet, despite having already dried myself, I can feel you, I shudder and continue dressing.

You are here, I hear the knock on the door. My heart skips a beat. I am frozen in time, yet I can feel the warmth between my legs, it is pulsating, I want you.

I snap out of my daydream. I am at the door, I see you...my heart beats even faster, I open the door...Hello.

You give me no time to speak, your mouth quickly covers mine with a warm kiss, I feel your hands press me towards you. You want me to feel you, your hands start to travel towards my face. You gently hold it in your hands, you end the kiss abruptly..."hello"...and again you give me no time to respond and we engage in a passionate kiss.

Without stopping, we step back, you manage to get through the door,  you close it. my hands around your waist pulling you towards me. I suddenly feel your bare hands traveling my body, my shirt is on the floor, and a snap after a bra keeps it company. My nipples react to the cold air...but are suddenly comforted by the warmth of your mouth. I gasp, you are real, you are here, I am feeling you.

I realize that your shirt has rested itself on the couch ...my hands begin to explore you. your chest, your back, and they are suddenly stopped by a belt, as if you have done it before,  you take it off, in less than a second and you guide my hands where you want them. I find myself stroking you, guided by you. "This is not about me" you say....and softly let go.

I feel your hands assist my last piece of clothing to the floor, while your mouth begins to suck gently on my breast, again comforting them from the cold, by now your fingers are wet, they have found the spot that never dried. I feel them inside me...I need you now...I am ready NOW...

I cant wait, I have waited too long...I push you towards the sofa, not before removing your final piece of clothing, you are surprised, I find my place on top of you and hold your face in my hands..."Its about US" ..I say...and kiss you, like I have been wanting to kiss you for a long time.

I guide you in me, I feel you grip my thighs and guide them into a rythm ...instinct takes over, we are now two mammals satisfying our carnal instinct...I feel you squeezing my thighs, as the rythm intensifies. You let go of them only to start exploring my back, they find my hair....and it is pulled, I like it. I like to feel your strength ...

You, look into my eyes, you are almost there, your eyes say so....the rythm increases....the moans are inevitable...we are there.....

We sit there holding eachother, gasping for breath ...we look at eacother..."Te Amo"....I cant respond...your warm kiss doesnt let me.....

.....chelitta

For you

The gravitational pull I feel towards you is something I think I havent felt before. I have no idea if you even feel the same way. If you do...please let me know...NOW. I know, we are thousands of miles apart, and that if there were the possibility of anything it would only be killed by the distance, but if any of what people that are in love or have been or believe in it is true then whatever is born between us will survive anything.

I know nothing about you, and I like that, I like that you are a mystery, I like that I can't have you when I want, it just makes "the game" more intense. Oh yes, the game that I seem to be playing alone. I like that you show yourself at the right time. I think if we ever talked without time as an enemy we would be able to talk for hours a time.

I think of you at the most odd times, and doing the oddest things, I wonder if your ever think of me, and if you do, do I make you smile by doing so, I hope so ...because you do ...but at the same time it makes me sad, because even if I "had" you ...we would have much to overcome.

I hope you read this, and I hope that if and when you do you know that I am talking to you and only you. I wish, that you would give me just a small, but obvious, sign. I sign that would give me hope, that would give me the go ahead to open up to you. More than want you...I Need you...chelitta

The "ONE"

It is very hard to explain my "situation". I don't even understand it. Well here goes. As stated before, I am married, unhappily. It wasn't always this way..I did however get married fairly early in life...I had just turned 23. I barely knew the guy We had just been dating for a few months and it was a long distance thing ...but at the time we were "in love".

It was pretty much this way for a year...then my ambitions in life and his conformity clashed...and it just went downhill from there. I really don't think its fair for me to sit here and bash him y decir todo lo malo de el ...its not me..and there are some things that will remain "behind closed doors". Lets just leave it at ...between him and I there is NOTHING...not even a friendship to hold on to.

So by mutual agreement, the relationship remains open, we are both allowed to do whatever we want, as long as OUR daughter is taken care of and it does not interfere with anything pertaining to "the home".

I have always wanted to feel loved, my relationship with my mother isn't and never has been good, I always sought her approval and to me I have never nor will ever meet her expectations. So I lived my life trying to fill that "void" in life with anything and anyone. I married early because I thought that if I didn't I would be alone for the rest of my life...and yet here I am lonelier than ever...

And so ..the search for "the one" has begun...and believe me I have been looking desperately for him ...I need him, I want him ...yet I know that if I ever find him ...I have nothing to offer him but my love...I cannot marry him, I cannot make plans with him for any type of future...which just makes me feel worse...

I started looking for men in "similar" situations...but at the end of the day it was mostly about the lack of intimacy for them, I on the other hand am seeking something else, I want a companion, someone I can talk to, cry with, laugh with where the sex isn't the main course but a pleasant desert. I know ..its complicated..but my standards have been set..and unlike previously ..this time...I will NOT settle for anything less....thus..i am still looking for...THE ONE....chelitta

So ...It begins...

Bueno, I have seen a lot of peeps having their own little blogs and shit....and I have always been one to write my thoughts y ocurrencias..So Here I is...I think I should start out with a little questions that are often asked..so here goes:

• I was born in El Salvador, in Zacatecoluca. I came to live here in the U.S. when I was about 1 1/2 I think.
• The first time I ever went to E.S was when I was 10 when the parental unit decided that it was the best option at that time.
• My spanish at that time was horrible, it still is at times but at least i dont sound "gringa"
• I have no brothers or sisters BUT I have 2 cousins whom I love and see as if they are.
• I also have another set of parents, see when my parents decided to move ....andaba para ahi y para aca...asi que me crie bastante con ellos...and I LOVE them ...
• YES I am married...BUT it is an open relationship, its more like a "contract" than anything else.
• I have a daughter, she is 3 ...she is MY reason to live, and for her I will and have done ANYTHING.
• I am Agnostic...osea...no creo pero puede ser que algun dia crea...I have not been convinced yet.
• I say it like it is ...no ando con rodeos ni perdidas de tiempo ...so PLEASE dont wast MY time and YOURS.
• I am OPEN to ANY type of discussions.

Well thats a little bit bout me ...so we will see...how often I post...Thanx for reading....chelitta