Going Crazy?

*SIGH*

I didn't even know what to name this post...first I wanted to name it Alone...but I finally decided to give it the name I did...

Reason being, that I think I am going crazy and my loneliness may be the reason, or not.

As you all may know..for the past year I have been dealing with a "major" health issue and I think its finally taking its toll on my whole body.

Either that or being alone is playing games with my head...

I have had a couple of days where I see, hear and even feel things...and I don't like it...its kind of like if I were in a dream ...but I'm awake...and I have had such experiences before but usually I am in that middle point of sleeping and being awake...not walking around and feeling like there is a portal open and I'm in both places at the same time...

I don't even know if I make sense...I don't even know if they are hallucinations being caused by my severe anemia or if they are delusions because I am crazy..or I dont even know if my medications are causing it, that is one of the side effects...

The thing is ...its not only my brain..its my uterus, my stomach my back everything is hurting, everything I feel is working against me, and I just feel tired all the time.

The worse of all is that I have no one to turn to, no one to say ...just hold me, just be with me...tell me you love me despite everything...and then comes my question...am I just lonely? and all this is just a product of my brain being sad?...The mind is a powerful thing as we all know so..it is a great possibility.

I don't know...all I know is that nothing good can come of this..I'm doing thing I would not normally do, saying things I would not normally say ...and feeling things I know I shouldn't feel...and its scary.

and I don't like to be scared...

....chelitta

My Stalker

I have a stalker...well sort of ...

For a little over a year..I have a kind of recurrent dream ...I say kind of because its  not the same dream each time,  but it does involve the same person and the same "situation".

I am walking, either in a mall, on the street, at a park or whatever ...and I'm being followed, by a man, which despite the numerous times I have had the "dream" I have never seen his face...until last night...well kind of...

In my dream when I feel him following me I turn around, and suddenly he disappears...funny cuz I have another recurrent dream where he appears but he is not following me...we are both in a conference room..I am at the head of the table and he is at the other end...regardless I still cant see his face...but I know it's him...

Last night...it was different and I don't know why..I was walking...it was like in a building, like office buildings...I felt him following...I turned around and there he was, I started walking towards him ...but instead of disappearing, he turned around and started walking...I was now the one following him..for some reason I felt a great sadness seeing him walk away from me...I shouted ...WAIT!! ...please stop...and surprisingly he stopped...I couldn't believe it ...I was thinking I was finally going to see his face...to know who it was that has been following me for the past year and a half....and then ...I caught up to him...and I don't know what the universe is trying to tell me ...but he turned around and instead of seeing his face ...his eyes locked with mine ...and I was like sucked in to this "trance" type thing...and all I could manage to say ...was "don't leave me"...and then ...he took my hands...and as I started to look down ...he kissed me ...

I don't know if that was supposed to happen ...if we broke the rules...but as soon as he kissed me ...I woke up ...

I never saw his face, I only saw his eyes...and felt his hands and his kiss...and I remember tears rolling down my face...I don't know what will happen if I ever "see" him again...I don't know why he waited this long to make "contact"...I don't know if he was even supposed to...

Honestly...I don't even know if the dream is a dream ....

I have a stalker ...I don't fear him ...I feel he is not there to harm me ...I still don't know his purpose..if in fact he has one...or maybe ...just maybe ...it is ...just a dream ...

...chelitta