To Whom It May Concern

I am sorry...

For giving up, on ever finding you. 

For not believing that you are out  there, in the world, probably looking for me as much as I have been looking for you.

I am sorry...

For thinking that I had found you 8 years ago...

It wasn't you.

I am sorry...

For living a life less than worthy of you. I have made many mistakes. I do not regret them, as they are what have made me today. I know, however, that some are not excusable and I live the consequences of them everyday of my life.

I am sorry...

I cant go on waiting for you. I feel that if I have not found you now, I wont anymore. The best years of my life have gone by. My heart has been broken beyond repair. My soul is damaged and I have no more desire to keep looking. I have nothing to offer you now.

I am sorry...

I have given up on the idea of growing old with you. Of loving you like no one else has ever loved you before. Of being your compliment, of being your partner, of being your friend, of being your lover, the mother of your children if you so wanted. There is nothing left of me anymore.

I am sorry ...
For choosing the wrong man to give my heart to. I also thought it was you, but it wasn't. It was what I thought you would be like, but I was wrong.

To Whom It May Concern...
I have given up on finding you...
Yet I hope you haven't given up on finding me...
because all I have left...is this love...that nobody seems to want...
it belongs to you ...

....chelitta

Random

It has been a while...and I apologize to my faithful followers...3 of you...one which whom i still don't know who it is ....but i guess you find me interesting enough to keep following me..

Its just that I guess..I don't know..I have become more or less a robot..and I am beginning to think that I may not ever be happy and sadly ...I am ok with that...and don't get me wrong. Its not that my happiness depends on someone else, its just that, I have everything but someone. I have a wonderful daughter, I have a job that pays my bills, I have friends that love me and I appreciate them, but I want my happily ever after. I want to grow old with someone, I want to go places with someone, someone that I can cuddle with, turn around and know that they will be there. I don't want to die and not have experienced love, like its really meant.

I look around me and see people that are much more awful than what I am or have been, living the life I want. I just wonder, day in and day out what is it that I am paying, why has life been so bad in this sense to me...it has given me everything I can ask for..except what I really want.

Maybe I am meant to be alone. Maybe there is no one out there for me. Maybe I am just a random soul that has no purpose but to take up space. Maybe my tears are fuel to some type of mythical being that lives off of peoples sorrows and that is my only purpose..to feed it...

*sigh*

I am 31 years old (almost) and I can safely say, without knowing the future, that this has been the saddest year of my entire life...I do not think I can ever be any more sad than what I am right now...

....chelitta

Love & Sex

Is there a difference?

Many would argue that yes there is a difference, between "making love" and having sex. Sometimes I wish they would enlighten me, because I have come to the conclusion that in all my 14 years of being sexually active, I have never "made love". I might have been made love to, and that is still iffy, but to make love there has to be love from both ends right?

Is the feeling different? I mean seriously is it different, and what makes it different? I have so many questions that I never thought I would have, as I, according to my friends am well, and expert in the art of sex, which I don't even know how I feel about that.

Theoretically speaking, yeah I have been with many men, and ok, maybe have taught many of them new tricks but that alone doesn't make me an expert does it? And if it does, I rather be an expert in love making than sex. I have asked my friends, who claim have made love the difference. They cant seem to explain it. I asked is it slower, is it more fulfilling?  They seem not to have an answer.

Yes I have had the slow passionate sex before, the one where you spend countless minutes and even hours in the foreplay stage, and yes I have had the man want to look into my eyes when he climaxed, and that long passionate kiss afterward, but I have not been in love with these men. Then comes the question, if I have never been in love with these men, then why do I bed them?  I mean just typing out the question makes me feel weird.  Seriously why do I bed men I have no feeling what so ever for, and how can I do it so easily. I can use the I'm just that horny excuse for my younger years, but now?  How is it that I can contemplate having sex with someone just like that.  Is it to satisfy my need to be wanted, as opposed to physical need? Have I confused being wanted with being loved? Is it that I feel I have to give myself up like that just to be held?

I cant imagine how the act itself changes, or does it? does it become more intense, more exciting? what is the damn difference and what makes it so special, that it wraps people up and makes their face glow.

I feel I have so many questions and nobody to answer them, and it just leaves me with the feeling of wanting to experience it, making love, I want to make love, but at the same time, I know that it is impossible, because to make love you have to love the person you're with and he/she has to be in love with you, and I don't think I have it in me to love again. In fact I don't want to love again, nor do I want anyone to fall in love with me. Ok, maybe I do, but I honestly think this will never happen because I would be too afraid to, and i don't want anyone falling in love with me because that would just set them up for heartbreak, because I could never, or I would stop myself from loving them back...

*sigh*

truth is ...I am a "making love" virgin...and it looks like I will die a virgin....

Ironic...isn't it....

....chelitta