What I need vs. What I want...*

I was told a few days ago that I needed to be touched. That it was a basic human need and that I was depriving myself from it. Well... I was thinking... of the things I need and my mind started imagining things... If I were to have someone ... and I had to explain what I needed. It would probably go something like this...

I need you to kiss me. Kiss me like you mean it, like you have one chance and one chance only. Don't be afraid, just kiss me, because I long to be kissed. I need to be kissed. I need you to undress me slowly. I don't like to be rushed. Undress me one item at a time. I want to feel your skin against mine. Let me undress you. I need to touch you, I need to learn what you feel like. I need to feel your mouth on my breasts. I need to feel your fingers inside me. I need to feel your manhood with my hands. I need to feel your soft tongue on my clit. I need you to make me feel alive. I need you to look me in the eyes when you think I have drifted, because I need to find my way back to you. I need you to make me feel comfortable. I need you to make me want you inside me, every single inch of you. Inside me. I need you to make me feel things I haven't before. I need to hear you say my name, at least once, so I know it's me you're thinking of, if only this once.

I need you to pull my hair, gently but with force. I need to feel you, all of you against me as you thrust. I need you to let me taste myself on you. I need you not to stop, even if I ask you to, because I really don't want you to, its my fear that does, its my insecurity, its my brain thinking about tomorrow, its my memories that want you to, I need you to help me conquer them, I need your touch to erase them. I need you to make me live the moment. I need you to make me orgasm.. and then after a while. I need you to do it again.

So after a while, of thinking of all these things I need. I started thinking of everything I wanted. Honestly, all I want is to have all of the above, with the right man, not just with any man, because I think, I couldn't have all I need with any man. Yes, any man can do all of that, maybe even more. It's that one man though, that will make me want all those things. Yes, I need them, I will not sit here and deny that I have deprived myself of it, it hasn't been on purpose. None of it. I want to want them. Right now, I don't. Yes, things excite me every now and then, but then my worst enemy (myself) quickly steps in and makes those desires go away. So while I need to feel, I also need to want...

Hopefully ... it happens...hopefully I can want what I need.

... chelitta

Uncertainty

As I sit here.. in the dark.. with only the light of a candle behind me, heavily medicated because of all the physical pain I have been having, the effects of the medication starting to show.. my emotional pain seems not to be relieved by such meds. 

It has been a hectic, emotionally charged past few days. My daughter leaving with her father on vacation, some "news" about some things in my life, a "business trip" accompanied by people I really don't like, and the emptiness I feel inside, the fact that in just a little over a month I will turn 35 and am nowhere near where I thought I would be neither physically, emotionally or financially. Too much for an already vulnerable heart. 

I sit here, in darkness, because that how I feel inside. Unlike right now, where I have the glare of the screen and the candle behind me, inside I have no such light. Nothing to show me the way, nothing to say, no matter what, there's always light. Nothing. The amount of sadness in me isn't normal, isn't right. During my trip, I sat in the lobby every night for a couple of hours. I like to people watch. One thing I noticed was the amount of couples around me. Either licitly or not, they were there, enjoying themselves, enjoying each others company, loving or lusting each other. I tried to remember the last time that I had that with someone. The last time I was 100% into that person, that I could be me, that I wanted to be with someone sexually. I could not remember. Maybe, it was with my ex-husband. Maybe. I actually doubt that. Maybe it was with Mateo. Maybe. Honestly, I can't say that I have ever been that with anyone. 

On another night I observed a family. Their interaction made me feel like I had missed something. The mother, very loving, the father even more. The way they engaged was amazing. So, I tried to remember if my mom or dad had ever been that with me, together, as one, not individually, but had I ever had a similar interaction with them. I don't know if I was too young to remember of if it never happened, but I couldn't recall ever having that. It was always my father showing me the love and my mother the cold one. If ever she showed some emotion it was quickly followed by something negative. I remember being blamed and made feel bad for the stupidest things. On one occasion, my mother had just painted her nails, but it was time for her to take me to some gymnastics class, I really didn't even want to go, but I went. Anyway, as she was dressing her polish got ruined because they weren't dry yet. I clearly remember her becoming very upset and blaming me for her ruined nails. I think back now and realize, it wasn't my fault. She knew she had to take me and yet she chose to do her nails knowing she probably wouldn't have time to let them dry. Yet, I felt bad and even cried, feeling guilty that I had upset her. 

On our last evening, I saw an older lady. She sat right in front of me and I saw my future. There was deep sadness in her eyes. She was alone. She wasn't even reading, texting or looking at her phone. She was just there. People would walk right by her and not even notice her. At first, I thought she was waiting for someone, then as the minutes went by realized she wasn't. So, I went up to her and said hello. She gave me this look of astonishment. Like she wasn't expecting for anyone to talk to her. I asked if she would mind if I sat next to her and she said no. We engaged in a nice conversation and thought, wow, this will be me. She had gone down to the lobby because she felt too alone in her room. The presence of other people, even when they did not acknowledge her made her feel less so. Again me. She had no family, her kids had grown and moved out, she was alone. At the end of our convo, as she excused herself she thanked me. 

The one difference, between her and I, she believed in people. She had not been hurt by life like I had. She welcomed people in her life. Something I do not do, I can not do. Even when I try, even when I try to not to let people get to me, they do. If the encounter would have been reversed, if she would have come to me, I probably would have excused myself. What was the difference? Either way she would have been pleasant to talk to. Why wouldn't I have let her "in"? 

So, as I sit her in the dark, I wish I could be someone else. The person that I am now just doesn't belong. Maybe she has never belonged. Isn't missed. Isn't loved. Isn't appreciated. The person I am now, breaths because she has to, not because she wants to. I am not happy. I am sad. I am alone. I am hurt beyond repair.