Conquering Fears....

For the longest time, I have been fearful about doing things by myself. Which in all honesty is contradictory to my personality, since I really don't like people. I have  missed out on a lot, like not watching movies at a theater. That was the one thing that would sometimes get to me. I wanted to go see a movie, but rarely found someone to go with. So I would never see the movie until months or years later. 

Anyway, I got  to thinking yesterday, that it was sort of illogical, being  the "anti-social" person that I am, that I had to "depend" on someone to go with me to watch a damn movie. Yes I have social anxiety, but that is something that can be conquered. I mean whats the worst that could happen, I thought  to myself. Nothing. It was all in my head, my head that has stopped me for way too long. 

So throughout the day today I kept thinking about it. At around noon, I decided, I was going to go to the movies by myself, and I was going to have my popcorn and my Cherry coke. So, I logged into Fandango.. and found a movie that I had wanted to see, Southpaw. As soon as I had decided to do it, I started doubting myself. I started telling myself that maybe tomorrow and that maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all. What if something happened and I was there alone, etc. I was sabotaging myself. However, I told I reminded myself that the old me had stayed behind, that as soon as I got onto that plane, I was someone else, someone different, someone improved and in order to be that someone I HAD to conquer my fears. That I had no tomorrow guaranteed.  I had to be strong. 

So, I decided I was going to go. The rest of the day, I could feel the nervousness building up, almost to the point of anxiety. I would go to the bathroom and breathe. I didn't have anyone to share what I was doing with, so I calmed myself down. After work I headed to the gym. As I was on the treadmill I kept thinking about it and did an hour on the thing. When I got home I started thinking that maybe tomorrow would be better, that I was just too tired, but again, I talked myself through it. I told myself that tomorrow did not exist for me, that I HAD to go today because if I didn't, I could miss a chance of seeing it.

When I got to the theater,  I couldn't get out of the car. I had gotten an awesome parking spot and there I was, wanting to back out and come back home. So I told myself, that if I did this I could do anything. I got out of the car, and as I was walking towards the entrance, I suddenly felt calm, I kept telling myself that I was there alone because I wanted to, that I could've gone with someone I didn't tolerate and not enjoy myself or go alone and enjoy it. I bought the ticket and went upstairs and bought my damn popcorn and cherry coke and went to get my seat. 

I fuckin enjoyed every minute of the damn movie, not only because it was a good film, but because I was there, in the theater by my damn self. HA!!! I had done it, I had conquered one of many fears, on my own. Nobody to encourage me, nobody to "hold my hand" I did it on my own. It felt damn good. Empowering and liberating. That's all I can say. 

One thing less to be worried about... it was amazing.... I am satisfied and happy :) .... 

..... chelitta