A life for a life?

I have a daughter. She is four years old and she is the love of my life. I start this post with that because what I am about to write may come off  to some as me being a selfish human being that has no regards to the great blessing that life and the universe has given me.

I am an only child. The closest thing I have to a brother or a sister is a cousin which I see and love as though we were sisters, even then it is not the same. She can not understand what it feels to not have anyone, she will always have someone to lean back on, when her parents part from this world, she will have someone there, to share the memories, of when mom and dad were around. I will never have that. I am and will always be alone.

I look back, and remember the lonely nights I would either play alone, or simply read because I had no one to play with or do anything with. The times I wanted to go play outside but couldn't, there was no one to play with.

I always promised myself to have more than one child. Unfortunately, even that was taken from me. My child, as most people know is a product, of hormone pills, timed sex, predetermined positioning and as stupid as it may sound...she is a product of a wish that was made to a shooting star. Even then, I made it a purpose to have another one, even if that meant going through everything I went through again.

Yet again, life has other plans...plans that I can not accept. My daughter deserves the best, she deserves happiness, love and she deserves to have someone that will always be there, that she can trust in. She doesn't deserve to grow up and have no one to share her special moments with, someone she can call and say hey remember when mom and us used to ...

So here I am...stuck..trying to choose for her...trying to think what she would really want versus what she needs right now...either way...in the end...the one that will end up losing will be me...I will either lose my life...or lose my dreams...which ironically go hand in hand...there are no dreams w/o life...and people can not live w/o hopes and dreams....

...chelitta