Wishes...

I wish I were pretty. Before I go into it further... let me define what pretty is for me. Pretty is someone that when you look at them you think, oh she is pretty. No necessarily drop dead gorgeous but not "oh damn she ugly" either. Someone that when a man sees her he doesn't immediately dismiss her, but isn't thinking "i could do her". Pretty is someone a man sees and wants to get to know more. Someone who doesn't have to make an effort to look good, that can wear anything and it looks right. Someone whose hair isn't always perfect but isn't always looking like you just got out of bed either. Pretty is someone that when she meets a man she doesn't immediately think she is not his type because of how she looks. Someone that feel confident to smile and look at a mans eyes. You guys get the picture. I hope.

I used to be or at least feel pretty. Years ago. I was much thinner and I didn't look like what I do now. Old and worn. I used to have guys attention and wasn't shy around them. No, I wasn't beautiful, but I was pretty. I wish I were that again. I wish I could at least feel half of how I used to feel when I was younger. I cant. I look at myself if the mirror and all I see is fat. I see a stomach that looks like I am about to give birth that dangles like an apron. I see wobbly arms that are even bigger than my daughters legs. I see a double chin that can be actually 3 chins. I see a smile with crooked teeth and a huge gap in between. I see thinning hair, I see skin discolorations, thanks to hormonal imbalances caused by PCOS, that look like I haven't showered. I see a nose that is covered by cheeks and eyes that look Asian because of them. I see legs that are full of cellulite and don't go with my body. I see a chest that is flat. In short: I see ugly.

People are quick to say, "you have to love yourself", look at all the good that you have. Well, based on the above, do any of you think I see any "good". No I don't. The worst, my personality doesn't even help. I have become this bitter person that avoids people. I smile because I have to not because I want to. I frequently push people away because I do not trust them. If a man does ever approach me I ask myself his true intentions.

I wish I were pretty. I wish that when I see someone I like I wouldn't think that he is unreachable. I wish I could think that maybe I do have a chance. I wish I wouldn't fear rejection. I wish I didn't have to like someone in secret and just be able to show it or say it or even flirt. I remember when I could do that. I remember when men weren't so interested on how a woman looks. I wish I would find a man that says that he doesn't care and actually mean it. Often men say that. When they meet you they don't want to appear shallow and they say something like "looks don't matter". Yet, as time goes  by you notice that they do. They are attracted to beautiful women, and they make weird comments about other women not so nice looking.

I just wish... I could find someone that can look beyond all that. That can make me feel pretty. That takes me by the hand and isn't afraid of what people are going to say. Sometimes, when I am with someone in public, man or woman, I feel like they are embarrassed or ashamed to be seen with me, more if they are male. Deep inside my fear is that one day my own daughter will be ashamed to be seen with me, not because of normal teen things, but because I am fat and ugly.

Maybe, someday... my wishes come true. Until then, I just have to keep on going, guarding my heart, avoid feeling, and smile... because I have to.

...chelitta