Day 6

*sigh*

My day 6 (yesterday) was very emotional...too emotional....I am going to be 100% honest because that is all that it is about here...honesty....

I had a date..a lunch date...with my friend' friend, the one with whom I can barely have a conversation with because he speaks little english and even less spanish...and I speak NO portuguese what so ever...mmm..ok maybe a little bit ...tiny tiny bit...I speak more french than I do portuguese at that...our first date..alone...my friend had always been with us...but this time it was me and him...at his place....

We met I want to say mid January...I think I dont remember...we met at my friends engagement party...very nice man, mid 30's business man...divorced with a son I think hes 4. We hit it off really well, even if I only understand half of whatever it is he is saying...it nice that he really makes the effort to communicate with me though...anyway we talk on and off online...sometimes I am in the mood and have the patience to, sometimes I brush him off....he has been very persistent..I have been very clear...and he knows and realizes that I am not ready to have anything..with anybody while he is still in my heart....

Regardless...he invited me to lunch...at his place. I hesistated, at first I said no putting the I have to work excuse...I am tired excuse ...and the Im on a diet excuse. He said I will cook light, just have lunch and leave so you can rest. I just dont like to eat alone. OK I said just lunch nothing more...and this is what happend...

I left the house, for some reason I wasnt nervous I was very much at ease. I left the house thinking...ok ..."un clavo saca otro clavo" q no te importe lo que el te haya dicho...solo fueron palabras...aparte no le importa...hacele caso..find your way among lovers Karla...you can do this ...he is happy...you need to be happy...you need to move on...just like he took you out of his life without looking back...you do the same...

So I rang the doorbell, he opened the door...with a wine glass in his hand...is it too early for wine...in my head I was like this is soap opera type of shit...but I blew it off and said its never too early for wine...took the glass and had a sip. His house very neat, tidy, sophisticated...with that all to familiar brazilian smell...I dont know what it is ..but I like it....the smell that is...my friends house smells the same.

I made steak salad...of course you did...I said...you guys and meat ...you have something with meats ...lol...

Lunch was delicious, conversation iffy ...we kept laughing and laughing...because at some points we had no idea what the hell either of us was talking about....

At one point he looked at me...I looked away...your eyes are so sad..you smile yet your eyes say something different. I say..my eyes dont lie...I am sad...he told me to be strong he said...Karla, do you not see...any man who is around you, who gets to know you should fall for you, you are sweet, you are the smartest knowledgeable woman I have met...you are beautiful...you are light Karla, do you not see that?

No, I dont. I am not that ...I just play it off like I do...and he said we just had a 30 min conversation on world economics, all of it while both speaking different langauges. You rationalized what I said in less time that anyone I know, you have never studied economics yet you got what I was saying, you understood it,...thats makes me a nerd, someone who reads alot, who spends endless hours online reading, studying....it doesnt make me special..it just makes me a nerd. thats it.

He laughed, I laughed...I have to go I said...its getting late and I am tired...thank you for everything ...

I stood up...he stood up...oh shit..I said here we go...hes going to make a move....I saw it in his eyes..I felt it from him...he was going to try...let him in Karla, if not to love him, to help you forget...I told myself....

Thank you for coming ...enjoyed the company...I think he said ..I honestly dont know..at that point I wanted to get out of there...as soon as I could...I said thank you...grabbed my purse and ..when I turned around there he was...looking into my eyes...so close I could feel his breath...this is sooo soap opera I said to myself...my life has turned into a soap opera...great...only to me do these things happen...

Just as fast as I thought of that, you popped into my head...YOU...the happy one, the one that cant and wont, the one who is living his life the same as before I came into it...YOU were there...and then he said I am asking myself a question over and over, before I do what I want to do right now ...and I said..what?...he said in very clear spanish...Pedir permiso...o pedir perdon...my heart stopped...literally it stopped...I stopped breathing...my eyes filled with tears and I said in a broken voice...ninguno...and I broke away from his gaze and headed for the door...he stopped me...he held me ...I cried ...my face burried in his chest....I cried...hard...like a little girl who just got scolded...like someone who has lost everything and doesnt know what else to do...He said words that sounded so familiar to me...I understood them I knew what they meant....cry little one, let that hurt out...dont leave it in your heart, cry all you want I am here to soothe you....I can only explain the fact that I knew them..was probably because those were the words my babysitter used to say to me when I was a child...whenever my mother would scold me or hit me....I dont know...but I knew them...and they gave me comfort..

15 min later, with no energy, no tears, no breath left..he walked me to my car...gave me a hug...and I left....nothing happened...because my heart...cant and wont let go of you.....

.....chelitta