Day 4

Oh yes..day four ...decided to take a trip back in the past.

You see...I know for a fact that whatever it is that is happening in my life has to have a reason. My suffering that is, my love, my everything ...

Long time ago, 11 years to be exact, I unintentionally played with someones heart. I say unintentionally because at that time, I honestly didnt think he really loved me,

I had to make a choice, staye there and become a worse person or come here and do something...I chose to come here...of course...I wasnt going to stay alone....

So I packed my bags and I said goodbye...promised to be back...told him to wait...

He waited....I never returned...I called him...for a couple months after..then just stopped...met someone else...didnt even bother to break it up...

See...back then I hated men ...with all the sense of the word..I hated them..to me they were only good for one thing and one thing only...sex...after that...they were useless...to me a good lay was more important...so for one good lay another...I never thought he loved me...to me, in my mind I was a game to him as well...so I played it ...just as I thought he was playing it...and I broke his heart.

I really never thought about it like that...he kept asking about me, he kept telling my friends to tell me to call...I didnt..I wouldnt...so years passed and my life turned into what it is now...

So..one day ...a few weeks ago...he poked back into my mind....as if to say...look...you need to close this chapter so you can move on...so you can start a life with nothing weighing you down.

So finally..on my day 4..without you...to guide me into the future...I decided to go back to the past...and take it from there...

I was nervous...I think I had never been that nervous. I knew that he would be mad, that he had so much to say....he did ...and each time a hurtful word came out of his mouth..I would think of you...why?...because I hurt this man...and you hurt me...and I understood it then...I got it...this hurt was what I was paying ...this hurt...I had caused someone was the reason I was hurting ....I was paying my debt to life.

After 3 hours..it came down to ...I love you...I cant stop loving you because true love never dies. I can live life now though, because you have given me the opportunity to let you know how much you hurt...I am at peace because even though you and me can never be...you know now that I love you.

I thanked him...and apologized...and told him...well guess what..you and me are in the same boat...because I too love someone that can never be...and I too will live the rest of my life with someone in my heart who doesnt love me..who cant and will not love me...are you sure, that you love him, he asked..yes I am ...how? because I have accepted his departure from my life the same way you did..and you have. I can not hate him...and I know he is and will be better off without me in his life...because I never saw him eye to eye yet I love him and dream of him as if I did...because whenever I want to run back I have to read his letter...just to remind me of how happy he said he is...to remind me that he will never offer what I want..and knowing that..knowing he is happy ...is all I need to stop myself..because all I want is for him to be happy..whether I am there or not...even if it means..that for the rest of my life...I will ponder...on what could have been...

He said I surprised him...he said that he never thought he would hear me express myself like that..he said that Karla Nochez I know..would have never given up...wouldnt have taken no for an answer....I answered...the Karla Nochez you knew..didnt care for the other person...she got what she wanted..it was a game...the Karla you knew...hurt you...I am better than that now...

with that ended a conversation...ended a chapter..we have both gone our seperate ways now....he says he will forever love me...I know I will forever love you....

Day 4....I will not ..and can not go back to you....because you are happy, because there is no room for me or my love in your life....because you let me go...because you cant offer what I want...ever....

....chelitta