Regrets?...

Well I havent been a woman of many regrets..actually I have none...I can say that honestly ...or do I?...let me explain...

Saturday was one of my friends party at a club ...ironically called WET. Now ever since she invited me, I knew this was something I did not want to go to. For a few reasons. One I have not been to a "club" in like 5 years, the last time was to celebrate my own 25th Bday, I have been to bars but a club not really, then because of my emotional distress I doubted to have any fun at all.

So I lingered about going or not, I made plans like I was, I requested the day off, I RSVP'D to it..just in case I changed my mind or something. Yet I wasnt excited about it. I mean I was excited for her but not for the party itself.

I waited till last minute to get an oufit..in fact I didnt have one until the day of... the thing..even then I was very hesitant, the thought of calling and saying sorry I cant go ...BUT I didn't. So I showered. did my hair and make up dressed up. slipped on my shoes and drove.

So I got there..felt totally out of place, too much maybe. Then out of the blue I was handed what I believe was a double shot of tequila. Cheers! and down it went...nice and smooth like only Patron knows how. Ok still felt out of place and the drinks just kept coming, suddenly my other coworkers showed up and I felt a little better. Ok...drinks kept coming...I lost count and I lost track of my liqours, meaning I was downing Grey Goose, Patron and ready for this Coronas, yes...BEER..everybody who freakin knows me knows I HATE beer...but by that time I think it all tasted the same....

Before the whole mixing of alcohols, I remember my coworker Jen, asked me if I was ready to dance, to which I responded I dont dance...uuuh ...hmmm...30 min later I was dancing...with a whole bunch of people...LOL...now...here comes the POSSIBLE regret factor part of night...

At some point, shit knows when...I started kissing a guy. I will not disclose names, as that has always been my protocol, lets just call him "the brother"...of who he was brother will also not be disclosed...I dont know how it started, why it started but it happend. Through out the whole nite as it was witnessed by many ..I was making out with the guy. Randomly...as in we would make out, each go dance with other people and then make out some more...etc etc..now when I say dance..I actually mean dry humping, men and women alike ...and by that I mean in a group...there was a lot woman on woman "dancing" going around, seductive, a lot of touching, slapping etc etc...some moments I remember, others not so much and a few not at all..and I prefer it this way..for the sake of my remaining sanity.

Now, this is the thing, a few weeks ago...I rejected another mans kisses...completely sober...having said this...the first time the brother and I kissed..I was still only half wasted and fully aware of my actions...whether or not he was..thats a whole different issue...yet let it be known if I believed in God I would be praying...that he wasnt and that he has no recollection of the events. Seriously....NOT because of him, but because of me...anyway moving on...Ok what was the difference between then and this time around...I have come to the conclusion that no, It was not the alcohol..it was something else...

Resentment? Hurt? Anger?

All of the above 

I have always thought that the above feelings are powerful motives, they drive people to say and do things that otherwise wouldnt do...So yes. I let go...completely...if it was for all the bad reasons I dont care. The fact is I did it, I now know I can do it....I just have to fill my heart with those ingredients...and look for someone like the brother, meaning one time type of situations, no strings attached, nothing to be expected..just in it for the fun.

Now...if  I liked the feeling, If I got over the hump, if I know what I need to do..

Do I regret doing it? or is the question Do I regret not enjoying the moment because despite of the anger, the hurt, and the resentment, there is still something more powerful than all three still in my heart? OR ..is just possible...that I can still say....

I have no regrets ....

.....chelitta

P.S: One thing must be clear..I DO NOT regret going, and am very very VERY appreciative of my friend inviting me and allowing me to celebrate with her and her friends, they were all very nice and made me feel welcome and part of the group. THANK YOU!