Sleep Forever

Please dont take it as a suicide note. I am not going to kill myself. I cant, I have either failed before or death just wont take me, and right now, I am even to tired to fight against that. I just want to vent thats it.

I AM TIRED!

Mentally, physically, emotionally. I am tired. I want to it just all to end. I just want to lay down one day and never wake up, ever. Yes, I know I am being selfish. I am not thinking about anyone else but myself...for the First time...ever...I dont care the hurt it will cause, I dont care...I wont be around to see it, so it doesnt matter. I dont care, anything, even hell with all of its levels has to be better than this, if there is a hell of course.

No, its not because of the recent events in my "love life". Its a combination of EVERYTHING. I have felt like this for quite some time now, maybe even before I got married, maybe as young as 10 ....I dont know, but I remember, being little and wanting to die, asking myself why I was alive, asking what I had done to deserve such a horrible life and family (I am working on a post that will better explain this). Now that I have more knowledge about life and all, I have come to a conclusion, that I must have been an evil person if not in one but in many previous lives. Thats the only reasoning I can come to, my soul is tired. It is tired of suffering and its paying some sort of debt.

But even if the above were true..how much more do I have to go through? How many more lives will I have to live? It doesnt matter...I want THIS ONE...to be over. So I can move on to the next and and the next and the next and however many more I have to live before my soul can finally be at peace.

*sigh*

I am tired. I have no more strength to go on in THIS life. My soul needs a vacation.

It just wants to sleep.....forever.

.....chelitta