Empty

As I sit here in front of my laptop, Nina Simone playing, my daughter sleeping, my head pounding, my heart hurting and tears running down my face, I cant help to think in the what if's.

I few weeks ago I wrote to someone who I don't even know exists, apologizing for not waiting for him. Apologizing because I had nothing more than a broken heart to offer.  I wrote that thinking that maybe there was someone out there, and if he was out there, that if he ever found me at least he would know.

Well, now ...I see that hope die. Why? Because the man I am meant to love, deserves better than what I am.  Yes, as clear as that. He deserves a woman and all that being a woman entails. I can not be that anymore. I tried being that, I gave myself 5 years to be that. I gave him 5 years to show up...but one month has barely past and I am giving up.

I can no longer be strong, can no longer hang on to the possibility of someone walking up to my door knocking and saying, I am here, I am who you have been waiting for. Lets do this together, let me help you, let me hold you when you need to be held. Don't give up ...if you did it once you can do it again.

He will not come, because he does not exist and if he does he deserves better, he deserves to have a woman who can be the mother of his children. I cant be that. I cant wait for someone who wont come, the pain will be worse then than what it would be now. If I wait 5 years and he doesn't show...all my sacrifice, would have been in vain. The hell I would have gone through month to month..It has only been 1 month and I cant stand it...and I know the worse is to come..in the next 2-3 days...it will be awful....and for what...at the end...it all be the same as it is now...with the difference that I will be much older and I will live what I am living now all over again.

I am empty inside...I no longer have a heart that is able to love and soon I will no longer have a womb that is able to carry a child. I am not worthy of being with the man I am meant to love...

...because the man I am meant to love...

....chelitta