Following the footsteps

 I have always been the one to say that I am dying. "ya me voy a morir" has been on the tip of my tongue for as long as I can remember.  I have taunted death many times. Laughed in its face, summoned it, wanted it to come for me, pleaded life and a God that never seems to listen for it.

My soul, has died. Killed by life itself. What is left is a body that functions because a heart, although shattered, still beats. Pumping blood to all those organs, taking oxygen where it needs to, keeping a soulless body alive...until now.

My body..is following the footsteps of my soul..it has started to give up, it is shutting down and it will eventually die. For someone who has waited for this moment for more than 20 years...I must confess, I am a bit afraid. Not afraid of what comes after, as I know that if there is a God and if there is a Hell..my place is waiting for me..I am not afraid of that, if my soul, which is dead suffered what it did in this life, nothing can be worse after it.

I am afraid of the process. Seeing people that I love, and that love me, which seem to be fewer and fewer every time, watch me die. I don't want to go like that. I have always envisioned myself going to bed and not waking up, or in a car crash, or shot by someone. It never crossed my mind that I would die of a disease. I don't know why, if I myself am I medical mystery.

That is not the way I want to go. I have lived 30 years of my life and have never wanted pity nor compassion, nor been weak. I have lived a life that if told in its entirety would leave many wondering how I am sitting here today. I don't want pity, that is why for as long as I can remember I have kept many things, lived through them in silence and alone.

That is exactly my motivation, just the thought of someone looking at me in pity makes me want to fight against it. I can not bare the thought of causing my daughter the hurt that I will if she sees me suffering, dying, wasting away, connected to a machine to keep me alive or worse yet, losing my limbs one by one as the "disease" takes its toll. I can't and won't go through that. I will not and can not allow that to happen.

Sad thing is...as usual..I am thinking of others, before I do myself, and I'm willing to extend this lifeless life I have just to avoid pain and suffering in others...

My body is following the footsteps of my soul....but I will stop it...because for many years I have decided how to live my life...and I will decide how it will end...

...chelitta