Unfair

Today, we took my daughter to dinner, to Chucky E Cheeses. What is usually a wonderful time, turned into a bitter sweet moment for me. 

We took her because I had promised to take her if she "pood" in the toilet, and she did, for the past 2 weeks she has been using the restroom as it should. 

So while waiting for the pizza and enjoying my salad, I looked up and saw her ...she is so beautiful to me. I realized in 4 months my child will be 4 years old. Meaning four years ago around this time she was inside my now apparently useless womb.  I remember her kicks, her hicupps, the backaches, the all day morning sickness etc. If I knew then, that it would be the last time I ever had a human being inside me, I would have enjoyed it even more.

Then, I looked away and my eyes landed on a 20 something female, with a toddler running a round, a barely 1 yr old in a stroller and apparently one more on the way, she looked tired and appeared to be fed up with her 1 yr old that was crying at the top of her  poor little lungs demanding attention from the woman who had given her life, which instead of tending to her, was too busy carrying a conversation on her cell...and the rage took over. The same one I remember feeling when I was TTC.

How can life be so unfair. Here I am, A woman faced with never ever having a child again, even though in her heart and in her soul is one of the things she wants, capable of giving a child all it needs and then some yet ..it will never happen again. I will never have that. This woman does not know the precious gift she has, the possibility of having children, of giving a child to a man.

I wont have that anymore. That will be my reality. It kills me inside because I am giving up on everything. I dont know, what will be of me. I am scared and there is nothing I can do to help that....I just hope my soul and my heart can survive this. Something tells me though...they will not ...because the pain is just to much ....

This is unfair...Life is unfair...there is no going on from here..this is it....

....chelitta