Day 7

Day 7 (yesterday) was a big fat fail. Lets just say, I am back to day 1.. and I don't know how to handle it.

I was in emotional and physical distress. I had an exam I had to do, I also made the huge mistake of going to work, so I had that stress as well. I caved in. I made contact. I needed it. I don't know what good it did. I don't know if it did more harm. I am confused as to what I am feeling or believing now.

I missed his voice, and once I heard it, it was as if my heart melted, I felt this warmth, but I knew it was  temporary. That is just how I am.  I feel like I shouldn't have bothered.

Day seven and I hurt more than I did on day 1 and I don't understand why. It wasn't that I saw him, I didn't. I just heard him and that was it, to bring me back to where I was. What is this? Why can't I let go of this?... Can someone explain why I have this hurt inside over something so temporary. I knew it wasn't going to last, I told myself over and over again it wasn't, I thought I was ready for it. I was wrong.

Day seven brought night 8 and it was even worse. Dream after dream brought more and more turmoil. Dreams of abandonment, my typical dream of one of my closest friends trying  to kill me in such weird ways, dreams of confessions etc. Woke up with a headache and my heart was hurting, literally. I think It was the dream where my friend ripped it out of my chest that did that. Will never get used to it.

Day seven, didn't bring day 8 but another day 1 .... so here we go... again...